"Hi. My name is Sean and I am a were-hyena."
[Group: "Hi, Sean!"]
"Unfortunately it’s been about 6 hours since my last transformation. What can I say, it’s been a tough week. My boss has been riding me all week because our numbers are down. It doesn’t matter that I’m knocking mine out of the park. There are rumors of a big layoff if we miss this quarter, and judging by the looks of some of the big mucky mucks walking around I’d guess that was true. My backside is getting saddle sores from my boss ridin’ it so hard.
"The stress of my home life has taken a turn for the worse. We took in a foster cub and she has been keeping us up all night howling for food. I got things falling apart around the house. The kitchen faucet needs fixing, the backyard is a jungle with gigantic weeds sprouting everywhere, cash is low and the bills are high.
"I got up at the crack of dawn yesterday to care of the kids so my wife can get a rest, and was up late with family business so I was at the brink of exhaustion when I got up this morning.
"We were late getting to church like we are every week. I was looking forward to it. Church usually has a way of relaxing me, well it didn’t quite work out that way this week. We were sitting towards the back of the chapel listening to the preacher. Well he’s expounding on how we need to ask for forgiveness of our sins. Typical church speak, but for some reason I started thinking about my personal situation and the issues that I have to deal with. I got to thinking about how I lead a good life. I’m a good person and a good husband and father. I mean I follow 9 out of the 10 commandments. That’s like 90 percent. That’s pretty dang good.
"So what if I eat the occasional homeless person? Some husbands have to take out the garbage. I choose to eat it.
"Well... the thought of human lunchables triggered something and I started to feel “the change” come over me right there in the middle of church. I tried really hard to concentrate and stop it from happening, but all that did was cause me to start cackling like…well like a hyena during a particular poignant part of the sermon. The entire congregation turned around and stared at me. Talk about embarrassment. This particular heavy set lady wearing a blue dress and ridiculously large hat tsk tsk'd me which was my breaking point and all of a sudden all heck broke loose. You would have thought they had never seen an evisceration before. Talk about your over-reactions! I offered to clean up my mess, but nooooo they made me leave and told never to come back.
"Now I have to go find another church. Maybe we just need to start our own church. I hate having to go establish new relationships every time I get a little stressed and rip the guts out of some busy body.
"It’s getting old."
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6 comments:
I Sean,
My name is Lucrezia and I am a werebobcat, not a werecougar, but a fricken werebobcat. Last change occurred unexpectedly, in the city, and with my luck, I ran into a werebear in the city. Nasty ass piece of work. Usually, I can time my changes, but not this time.
Hungry werebears in the city, nasty creatures. Just nasty.
Geez... werebears are NEVER cool. Dunno what's up with them, but unless you tie your lunch to a tree they'll eat it. They'll EAT YOUR LUNCH!
Lucrezia,
It's good to meet you. I actually know your werebear. That's Frank. He's been a pain in butt to deal with ever since he got laid off from Honeywell when he ripped the payroll lady's arms out of the socket for messing up his paycheck.
If you run accross him again, just mention cockroaches. He's terrified of them.
Sean, try the Episcopalians. They'll accept anybody.
"Sean, try the Episcopalians. They'll accept anybody."
Even a Hyena has standards...
Full moon tonight, the were-creatures were getting ugly by the time class ended this evening. Did all I could do from reaching across the table and ripping a fellow were-classmate's beating heart out.
Lucrezia
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