The Were-Wimp

“Hi. My name’s Hank and I’m a were-wimp.”

[Group: Snicker.]

“I mean a werewolf.”

[Group: “Hi, Hank.”]

“Man, old habits can be hard to break. You see, Larry always made me- ah, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s see, where to start?

“Okay, I’ve been a werewolf for as long as I can remember. Mom says I got Acquired Lycanthropic Polymorphism Syndrome from a blood transfusion. You know, back before they screened all the blood for ALPS? Mom says they had to do some kind of surgery when I was one and that’s when I got the bad blood. Mom says that’s the only possible explanation because we don’t have any dirty, mongrelized people in our family.”

[Group: “Hey!”]

“Um, yeah, sorry about that. Mothers. You know?

“Anyway, none of us knew about it until I was in middle school. Seventh grade. Man, it was the worst! There was this bully named Larry and he and his stupid followers made a hobby of tormenting me and beating me up. Then one day, Larry had me cornered in the restroom and was about to dunk my head in the toilet when I suddenly felt… different somehow. I can’t really explain it. Unless you experience it yourself-

“Oh, wait. I guess all of you have experienced it, haven’t you? So you know what I mean! It felt good. Hell, it felt great! I didn’t transform, just got stronger. There Larry was, trying to push me into the toilet and I just stood up. Larry tried even harder to push my face into the toilet – and it didn’t do any good! Then he tried to punch me and I just dodged. Like lightning! He swung at me and I just wasn’t there! He hit the wall instead of me and, man, did he howl.

“In pain, I mean. Not, you know, like a wolf. Because he wasn’t. A wolf, I mean.

“And then I punched Larry. And he just about flew out of stall and bounced off the wall! It was so cool! Then I came out and grabbed Larry and dragged him back into the stall. I was dunking him in the toilet and flushing it every time when a bunch of other kids came into the restroom. They were all astounded at what I was doing. Can’t blame them, because I was pretty amazed, myself. I was suddenly the seventh grade hero for beating the crap out of Larry.

“When I got home, I couldn’t wait to tell Mom and Dad what I’d done. They’d been telling me I ought to fight back when Larry started beating me up and I’d finally done it. But I should have just told them the basics and left out the whole “feeling different” bit. Mom heard that and I thought she'd have a conniption fit! ‘What do you mean, you felt different?’

“I tried to explain, but, well, you all know you can’t explain it to someone who doesn’t already know. Like I said earlier. So Mom got all religious on me and claimed I must have been possessed by demons. She dragged me down to the church and had me just about bathing in holy water while she talked to the priest. The priest wasn’t buying into Mom’s demonic possession bit and suggested she just take me to a doctor for a physical.

“That’s when we found out I had ALPS. Blood tests for the physical. Yeah, they’d started screening for it, finally. I think Mom would have preferred it if I was possessed. First, she tried blaming it on Dad’s side of the family. She never liked Uncle Ross, so she figured it was his fault somehow. I never could follow Mom’s logic anyway. Not that there was much logic in it. Anyway, the doctor told her it wasn’t genetic. It took a while, but she finally decided it had to be the blood transfusion.

“All the way home, she lectured me about how we had to be careful about my dirty secret. That’s what she called it, my dirty secret. What would the neighbors think? And what about the ladies at church? Great parental support, huh? Except I didn’t care. As far as I was concerned, being a werewolf was the coolest, best thing that had ever happened to me. I mean, I dunked Larry’s head in the toilet! I was the hero of the seventh grade! How cool was that for a kid who was usually a geek? Pretty damned cool, let me tell you!

“And it might have stayed cool if I hadn’t screwed the pooch. Uh, no offense, Jim.”

[Jim: “I'm used to it.”]

“Thanks. Anyway, the next day, when I got to school, Larry and all of his stupid followers were waiting for me. They dragged me off into the bushes to get some revenge for what I did to Larry. But I wasn’t worried because I was sure I’d get the different feeling and just beat them all up. Only it didn’t work that way. Oh, I started feeling different, all right, but I guess being out numbered eight to one kicked that feeling into high gear.

“I fully transformed. One second Larry and his little evil minions were dragging a wimpy seventh grader into the bushes and the next a werewolf was tearing them up. I didn’t even care what I was doing to them as I clawed and bit them all. I had just enough control that I didn’t kill them, but they got pretty badly mauled.

“Maybe I should have killed them. Yeah, I know, not what we’re supposed to say. But sometimes, I still wish I had. While I was mauling them, I didn’t know what happened to people who got bitten by a werewolf. I didn’t know that’s how ALPS was spread. I didn’t know I was turning the school’s biggest bully and all his stupid followers into werewolves.

“And they were all bigger, meaner werewolves than I was. You know, most people don’t think about it, but werewolves are a lot like wolves. We run in packs if we can. And what does every pack have? An alpha werewolf. Just take a wild guess who the alpha was in our little seventh grade pack?

“If you guessed Larry, go to the head of the class. I thought my life was Hell before I turned Larry into a werewolf. It was a paradise compared to what came afterwards. Larry ruined my life growing up. I only got away from him because he was too stupid to get into college. And then I landed a job here and heard about this group. I figured this would be the perfect place to get the help I need!

“What I need is my own pack. A bigger pack than the one Larry’s got. And I’m not biased. I’ll take were-coyotes, were-badgers, anything. I just need enough people with ALPS to help me kick Larry’s ass and get some revenge. Who’s with me?”

[Group organizer: “Well, look at the time! That’s all for tonight.”]

“Hey, where’s everyone going? Come on, we ALPS types have to stick together, right? Right?

“Damn.”