[A tall, lanky man, elderly and walking with a cane, moves slowly toward a lectern toward the front and on the left side of the room. His thin, graying hair pulled back in a ponytail seems incongruous with his pressed suit and neatly trimmed Van Dyke. Even with the lectern toward the middle of the room is a table with a slide projector, the bright light shining on the screen hanging down the wall at the front of the room and washing out the pale features of another man sitting off to the side of the table. The pale man's hand lightly holds a box with a cord attached leading back to the projector, and a bucket sits on the floor beside him.]

[Reaching the lectern, the tall man tentatively clears his throat and begins to speak.]

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Graham Stewart, and the gentleman operating the slide projector is my colleague Roger Adams. We are from the British Royal Institute for ALPS Research, or BRIAR. Our main offices are located at Lancaster Gate in London, which we call BRIARGATE. Thank you all for granting us time for this little presentation. It's actually rather short, and I'll be happy to answer any of your questions at the end of it.

Roger, first slide, please?

[Slide: ALPS = Acquired Lycanthropic Polymorphism Syndrome]

ALPS, as you all well know, is an acronym for Acquired Lycanthropic Polymorphism Syndrome. But what does that long string of fancy academic words actually mean?

Next slide, please.

[Slide: ACQUIRED: Contracted, not inherited]

'Acquired' means you catch it. It isn't genetically inherited. ALPS babies are only infected during gestation through their mother's blood via the placenta, or during delivery whilst travelling through the birth canal. As of yet, we have encountered no cases where the virus was passed through mother’s milk. And the only strain of ALPS that a baby can have at birth is the same as that of the mother.

At least, that's what we used to think. More on this, later.

The other means of acquiring ALPS, as most of you are aware, is through direct contact with the bodily fluid of someone with ALPS. This is most frequently passed through saliva imparted by the non-fatal bite of a lycanthrope in animal form.

Next slide, please.

[Slide: LYCANTHROPIC (and other forms of shapeshifting)]

'Lycanthropic' is simply a noun modifier, to differentiate this type of shapeshifting from all others. It derives from the Greek lycos, meaning wolf, and anthropos, meaning man; literally, wolf-man. Though originally coined to describe the first known ALPS variant -- the werewolf -- it now commonly refers to all variants involving animal change (which is more properly termed 'therianthropy'), and distinguishes this type of polymorphism from the other types like Dopplegangerene, Vegetosis, Inanimania, and Blobulism.

Next slide, please.

[Slide: POLYMORPISM = SHAPESHIFTING]

'Polymorphism', again from the Greek polys, meaning many, and morphos, meaning form, is the ability to alter one's shape or appearance. In ALPS victims, this change is widely varied in both species and scope. What began with a werewolf mutated into different strains which gradually encompassed a myriad of mammalian forms including the weretiger, the werebear, and even the wereseal. Now, we are even finding an ever expanding array of non-mammalian strains; in fact, Roger, here, is a very rare werejelly. And some unfortunate individuals don’t ever develop the ability to control their changes, or even the ability to recover their human forms at all.

Next slide, Roger.

[Slide: SYNDROME: Fancy word for disease]

And finally, 'Syndrome'. In medical parlance, this word is often used to group sometimes widely varying symptoms that are yet indicative of a single disease. And when you think about it, you probably can't get any more different than the symptoms displayed by a werewolf and those of a wereslug, can you?

Next slide, please.

[Slide: History -- When And Where Did ALPS Originate?]

There is no scientific consensus on when or where the first case of lycanthropy arose. Legends, myths, and tales abound from cultures all over the world, from the weretigers of India to the werejaguars of the Amazon, and werewolves appear in records all over the world. Unfortunately, there is no clear indication of which ones were actually early cases of ALPS, and which ones may have been copycat stories passed along amongst ancient travelers. But using genetic regression, we can narrow the 'when' to approximately 3,000 years ago.

Next slide, please.

[Slide: How did ALPS originate?]

Probably the most significant finding by ALPS researchers to date is that ALPS is caused by a wildly mutating virus, one which carries with it portions of the DNA of other species. When infecting a new host, the virus rapidly propagates itself throughout the new system and subtly alters its genetic composition to incorporate whichever strain of the virus it carries. This infection can typically take up to a month, and the virus is most strenuously active during the full moon phase. The exact cause of this relationship is not know, but speculation is that reflected moonlight carries with it some additional radiation in the non-visible spectrum from reflected moon-rocks, that has either a strengthening or irritating effect on the virus.

While it is pure conjecture at this point, the genetic evidence seems to indicate that the original strain of this virus spliced small amounts of wolf DNA into a woman, possibly as the result of a bite…though the origin of the virus itself is unknown. We are fairly sure it was a woman, however, as that would have been the most likely way it would have become established and propagated to subsequent generations. Researchers have named this hypothetical Were-Eve, 'Leto', after the Greek goddess and mother of Apollo and Artemis, who turned herself into a wolf to evade Hera.

Sometimes, a particular strain is so virulent that it will even overthrow a previous ALPS infection, killing off the weaker form and taking its place. This is how a weretigress bitten by a werewolf can give birth to a lupic child rather than passing along her own variant, as happened in one of our latest case studies.

Ironically, this particular trait of the virus holds out the best hope for a cure to ALPS researchers. If we can replace more active strains with something more passive, or even totally innocuous, we hope to make monthly moonlit rampages a thing of the past. ALPS will become no more frightening – or deadly -- to the public than warts.

Next slide, Roger, please.

[Slide: What about non-wolves?]

But how did the original lycanthropic strain turn into all the other forms of ALPS which have manifested? Well, this is where our latest research efforts have been focused. It appears that the ALPS virus can also be passed along at birth without the accompanying animal DNA. Subsequent introduction of animal DNA at a later point in the person's life can occasionally activate the splicing mechanism. That is how Roger developed his variant; whilst swimming off the coast of his native Australia a few years ago, he was stung by an Irukandji jellyfish. Though his mother was a werehyena, the next full moon brought about a decidedly different change and he was lucky to have been able to fill a tub before it completed. Now he can control it with some effort, but he still carries a bucket with him for the occasional lapse. Unfortunately, the need to control his temper to avoid an involuntary transform has left him a bit of a spineless wimp. The "bite off his head, tear open his ribcage, and feast on his still-beating heart' is a bit of a cliché for ALPSies like him. For them, "fume silently" is a bit more par for the course.

Lights, please, Roger.

[Roger shuffles over to the wall switch, head bowed, and flips it up before shuffling back to his seat.]

Now, are there any questions?

- Written by Waterboy, posted by Henry