The Were-Celebrity

“Hi, my name’s Hank and I’m a werewolf.”

[Group: “Hi, Hank.”]

[Person in the crowd: “Don’t you mean were-wimp?”]

“I’m going to ignore that. It’s been a while since I’ve been to a meeting and I’m guessing you’re all wondering where I’ve been.”

[People in the group: “No.” “Not really” “You were gone?”]

“Oh, great. I go off to help all of us and no one even notices? Well, at least tell me you’re wondering why I’m all bandaged up like this? No, wait. Don’t bother. I’m sure the answer would only depress me.

“The first time I was here, someone said something during the social after the meeting that got me thinking. One big problem we ALPS sufferers have is our image. People are scared of us. They don’t see us the same way they see those with cancer or AIDS or any of those other fad diseases. And you know why they don’t have any sympathy for us?”

[Person in the group: “Because we bite off their heads, tear open their rib cages and feast on their still beating hearts?”]

“That’s an issue, sure, but I don’t think it’s the only reason we aren’t getting better press. Just think about all those other ‘cute’ diseases. What do they have they ALPS doesn’t? I’ll tell you what they have. They have celebrities out there raising awareness about the disease. Some of the celebrities have even had the disease themselves.

“So where are the celebrities speaking out for ALPS, huh? Why don’t we see Ed Asner telling America about the tragedy of ALPS? Why isn’t Cameron Diaz appearing in commercials with little children who have ALPS? I’ll tell you why. None of those oh so caring celebrities suffer from ALPS or even know anyone who suffers from ALPS!

“So, a couple of weeks ago, I flew out to LA to infect at least one major celebrity. I figured once we had a major star in our pack, we’d be able to generate some of the sympathy we deserve! I picked Michelle Pfeiffer as my target.”

[Guy in the group: “Oh yeah. She’s hot!”]

“Exactly! And she can act, too, so I thought she’d be perfect to help generate some sympathy for us. Only it didn’t work out like I’d hoped. I mean, I thought I’d have to deal with a bodyguard or two, but I was way off.

“Finding out where Michelle Pfeiffer lived wasn’t a problem. You can buy maps to all the stars’ homes out there. Her house had a big wall around it, but it wouldn’t be a problem for one of us. I came back in the middle of the night, transformed and leaped over the wall. Smooth and easy. I figured I’d just bash a few heads then bite Michelle in her sleep…

“Did any of you know there are such things were-Dobermans? I sure as Hell didn’t! Michelle’s house is guarded by a whole pack of them! I barely had a chance to look around after jumping the wall when the pack came baying after me. And they herded me right into a net trap – with a silver net! Man, I don’t know how much she paid for the net, but it sure burned bad! I couldn’t do anything but dangle in the net and whimper.

“Then this big guy walked up, tossed steaks to the were-Dobermans then looked at me. ‘Good work, boys. Looks like we caught us an Alpo!’ “

[Group: Muttering and murmuring.]

“Yeah, I was offended, too. I gritted my teeth and told him he had no right to call me names like that. You know what he did? He came up real close to me and said, ‘I’ll call you whatever I damn well please, boy. You’re just lucky I’m calling you Alpo instead of using you as Alpo. My boys here’ – and he waved toward the were-Dobermans – ‘are always mighty hungry after a chase.’

“So, I got turned over to the police and spent the rest of the night in jail. But they only had me for trespassing, so I paid bail and was out the next morning. I still had my map of the stars’ houses. I just figured I’d have to do some more thorough research on the bodyguard situation before making my move.

“Man, celebrities have got to be the most paranoid people on earth! Every single star I picked had some major firepower acting as bodyguards. Most of them had some kind of ALPS help, too. It was really depressing. I’d just about given up when I finally found someone who didn’t have a bodyguard at all – Summer Glau!”

[Group: “Who?]

“Summer Glau. Come on, doesn’t anyone here watch science fiction TV? She was River on Firefly and in the movie Serenity? She’s the terminator in Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles? She’s like this really cute, 98 pound girl who always plays someone who can kick the crap out of guys three times her size. In a way, she was perfect. Not only did she already have the reputation as an ass kicker, but she could get the science fiction, fantasy and comic book crowd behind us. “

[Person in the group: “So?”]

“So? You know, 10 years ago, everyone thought vampires were all scary, evil blood suckers. Then Laurell Hamilton’s Anita Blake books broke out of the genre and went big time. Now every other romance novelist is writing about super sexy vampires. And you know the vampire community is eating it up. I don’t know about, but I’m tired of seeing even the most pathetic looking vampire snag hot babes just by flashing a little fang!

“So I figured if Summer Glau could help us get popular with the science fiction and fantasy types, it wouldn’t be long before we had the same kind of break out. Then we’d get research dollars and be able to get hot babes by showing the fur!

“But it didn’t work out that way. I was able to sneak onto Summer’s property, no problem. Without guards, there was no one to stop me. I transformed and was about to kick in her door when the door flew open and I got attacked by a were-tiger! I fought as hard as I could, but this were-tiger really knew how to fight. Finally, all cut up and bruised, I transformed back and gave up.

“The were-tiger snarled, ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ That’s when I realized I had been fighting a were-tigress. Anyway, I explained everything, figuring another were would be sympathetic to my cause. And she was, actually. After I finished, she transformed back and the were-tigress turned out to be Summer Glau! No wonder she takes all the ass kicking roles. She really is a major kicker of asses!

“She helped me up and actually took me inside to bandage up my cuts. Then Summer told me my heart was in the right place but that I probably needed to have my head examined. ‘Leave Hollywood to the weres who understand it,’ she told me. Then she said if I really wanted help her spread the word, I should find a top notch script about a were-tiger. Or a good werewolf script that could be adapted for a were-tiger.

“Then she sent me on my way with a kiss on my cheek. This cheek. Right here. Anyway, that’s how I got the bandages and found out that infecting a big star isn’t the way to go. Nope, Summer has pointed me in the right direction!

“Does anyone have a suggestion for a good script writer? I hear they don’t usually have any bodyguards at all so infecting one of them ought to be a piece of cake!”

Bay of Pigs

Bill kicked the posts of his McCain yard sign firmly into the clay of his front yard.

Not the best candidate… but at least he’s sure to keep the war going.

Bill was a big fan of war. Our boys were the best… and he loved to see ‘em prove it. He was a military history junkie. ALPS had kept him from the service, but it hadn’t taken the steel and gunpowder from his blood.

His father had fought in Nam. His grandfather had fought in WWII, and there was a steel German helmet in their closet proving his great-grandfather’s service in WWI.

Before that, the family could trace members that had fought in Mexico, against the Indians, against the British and before that, against the French.

Bill dusted off his hands and looked at the sign in satisfaction.

Then he noticed something profoundly disturbing.

Across the street, there was another sign.

Obama 2008.

He felt a twist inside his stomach.

Obama 2008.

He didn’t trust Obama. He was weak. One of those scum-sucking commie anti-war libs dedicated to the sissification of America.

Obama 2008.

It was staring at him.

Be a good neighbor… be a good neighbor… be a good neighbor. People have a right to their beliefs, no matter how pathetic and weak.

Then he saw something else across the street.

His sissy liberal neighbor was grinning at him. Drinking a tiny sissy cup of sissy espresso. And grinning.

I hate that guy… but… I need to control myself. Remember the bay of pigs!

The “bay of pigs” was his wife’s name for a particularly explosive transformation that had almost put them behind bars back when they were dating. How prison had been avoided was still anyone’s guess. If they’d found the bodies… well, maybe they’d just think it was an animal attack? Yeah right… like animals tied rocks to bodies.
There had to have been a “human” involved.

What about a were-human?

Ha!

-----

He and Sharon had been cruising along on a perfect late afternoon, top down, enjoying the breeze blowing in their hair. It was a perfect day. They’d picked flowers at the park, danced for hours at a free open-air jazz festival and held hands as they’d strolled along the river. Now he was taking her back to her parents’ place for dinner. To their left was a sparkling bay… to the right… the smoky green woods.

She really was a classy girl. Ever since his first whiff of her hair, he’d been captivated. His attraction was wild, powerful, and unstoppable. He had to make her his. Being a gentleman, he could hardly wait for their wedding day when she’d finally belong to him… mind… soul… and especially body.

As he gripped the wheel… he was thinking about when he could finally get up the nerve to pop the question… and how to tell her about his condition.

And he was driving a bit too fast.

WHOOP!

A siren burst on behind them. Blue lights flashed angrily.

“Oh shoot…”

Sharon looked at him with a half-grin. “Think you were going a little fast there, sweetie?”

“Yeah… shoot… I’ll pull over here, darn it.”

He pulled over to the side of the road. The cop car crunched up on the gravel behind him, raising dust in the slanted rays of the setting sun.

Two cops stepped out of their cruiser, hands on their guns.

“Well, Share, guilty ‘til proven innocent, it looks like.”

“Just be cool, Willy… you’ll be fine.”

“Evenin’ son.”

“Good evening officer. How can I help you?”

The cop spit on the ground.

“How you gonna help me? You another officer? Give me your g------ license and registration and shut the hell up.”

Bill shuffled around in his glove compartment. Wrappers, torn maps and brochures fell onto the floor at Sharon’s feet as she tried to help him.

The officer snarled at him. “Come on kid, I ain’t got all night.”

“I’m doing my best, okay?”

The cop leaned in the window. His face was red and dark.

“An attitude like that’s gonna land your ass in jail. Give me your docs.”

Behind the car, the other officer was looking at their license plate. Then he came up to Sharon’s window.

“Hey there, babe. Why are you hanging around with a loser like this?”

She started, shocked. “That’s none of your business, officer.”

Bill heard the interchange as he finally handed over his crumpled registration to Officer #1. He was seething inside. And then he realized what was about to happen.

“Officer?”

“Yeah?”

“I really, REALLY have to pee.”

“What the hell you trying to pull?”

“I just have to go! I was, uh, sort of driving fast so I could get to a bathroom. Seriously.”

The officer looked at him.

“You think I’m a damn fool?”

“No sir, absolutely not.”

The officer stared at him for minute, then relented.

“You can take a whiz by the road in those trees. But if you pull anything, so help me I’ll shoot you.”

He backed away from the window. The other officer was leering at Sharon.

Bill stepped out slowly, feeling his were-self rise within him. He had to get out of Sharon’s sight – quick! Control… control…

He walked briskly to the woods, then entered.

“That’s enough,” the officer barked at him.

Bill needed to get a little further out of view. In front of him was a brush-filled gully. Feigning a struggle with his zipper, he tripped forwards down the slope as if it were accidental.

“Ahhh!” he yelped. The officer was caught off-guard. He ran forwards to the edge of the gully – but didn’t see anything. He fired his gun wildly into the trees.

“Come out, damn you!”

No answer.

“I’m warning you, punk – OUT!”

He took a step forward, gun drawn.

Then another step.

Then he took his final step. From behind a tree, a hairy arm snatched out and took his gun.

And his arm with it.

With a howl of rage, Bill the were-tiger tore into the officer’s chest and tore his heart out.

The body slumped to the ground and Bill crouched with it, feasting on hot flesh, jaws snatching bite after bite of Smithburg’s finest.

With a start, he realized what he’d just done. His animal brain wanted to gorge on blood… but the dim human brain behind it was recoiling in horror.

Sharon!

He left the officer’s corpse behind the trees and snuck furtively back towards the car.

The passenger door was open.

Beside it, the second officer lay in a pool of blood.

And the most gorgeous leopard-woman in the world was licking her lips as she took another bite from his gaping chest.

Bill’s heart leapt inside him! This was HIS girl! His beautiful leopard girl! His wonderful, sweet jazz-dancing Sharon!

He sprang from the woods to her. Her dress hung off her spotted sides… and as he nuzzled up to her, a glimpse of her perfect row of teats drove him wild. To keep himself from ravishing her, he instead took a monstrous bite from Officer #2.

Then, slowly, he started to return to human form… and as he did, he suddenly was struck with the danger of their situation.

So far, the road had been empty – but this body needed to disappear – fast! Together, he and his gorgeous were-girl dragged the corpse quickly across the road and threw it over the cliff into the bay, having tied it to a heavy rock with their jumper cables. They did the same with the first officer… except this time they had to use the officer’s belt.

Both sank into the deep water.

Sharon was looking more human again, as was he. They were both covered in gore.

“I’m sorry, Willy… I couldn’t help myself. He was… being really gross. I just… snapped.”

“It’s okay… I’m just happy you’re fine. I can’t believe you’re one too.”

She grinned toothily. “There’s a lot about me you don’t know yet.”

After embracing, they quickly licked each other’s faces clean and jumped into the car.

And later that night, he asked.

And she said yes.

-----

His neighbor was still grinning. But now Bill was grinning too.

Remembering the “bay of pigs” always put him in a better mood. With a grin, he waved to the sissy liberal and then went into his house whistling.

He had a documentary on D-Day waiting with his name on it.

And soon, Sharon would be back from the kid’s T-ball game.

Life was good!