Mr. Nice Guy

“Hi folks. I’m Jim. And I’m a were-wolf.”

[Group: “Hi, Jim.”]

“This is weird for me to be here. I'm really a nice guy. I hate this kind of thing. I hate having problems, see? I guess I should tell you what's up, now, right? Well, uh, here goes.

“I guess I’ve never been a guy to let my feelings show. Just a decent all-around guy. The kind that helps you fix your car.

“Particularly not the sort that would need to join a support group. But… I… just can’t cope anymore.

“Actually, it’s not me – I mean, I can cope… but in all honesty my wife has been on my case. She’s wanted me to do something about my, uh, transformations for a long time.

“When we were dating, and early in our marriage it was alright, I guess. My eyes were totally on her. But over the last five years it’s not cool anymore.

“Part of the issue, I guess, is not that I get violent or anything. It’s just that… well… I get, uh, a little randy as a wolfman… and I can’t control myself. Even though I want to.

“Okay… I see everyone is, uh looking at me. Stop looking at me. This is hard enough without your stares, you know. Seriously, stop it.

“Alright… so… my urges.

“Sometimes I’ll be somewhere, like the steakhouse where the girls wear those little shorts, and suddenly – bam – I’m a werewolf. It’s not really obvious, I guess. I can feel the wolf energy course through me, then I just want to, uh, have relations with the closest female.

“It doesn’t take much to switch, either. Some college girl will bend forward to wipe the table and suddenly – I’m there. Crazy and hopped up.

“You know how the old cartoon is? Where the guy sees a girl and suddenly he’s transformed into a drooling wolf for a minute. Yeah, that’s me.

“And… that’s not the worst of it.

“Stop it. You’re looking at me. I’m serious. I’ll kill you all and feast on your corpses. Aw shoot, I didn't mean to say that. Sorry, people. Just tense, that's all.

“I mean, I want support. Not to be looked at like a freak. At least I’m not a turncoat, like some other folks here. Not naming names, but… just saying.

[A partially transformed were-badger coughs nervously.]

“Good, right. Anyhow… the really embarrassing thing… STOP STARING, YOU FREAKS!”

[The were-badger falls out of his chair and shuffles quickly away.]

“Okay, I’m just a little hot under the collar. Tension gets me, too. Tension and lust, folks. Sorry, ladies... I'm sorry you're having to hear this...

“Dang, this is tough. I was always a nice guy, you know. Really dang nice.

“Alright, okay… what the heck was I saying? Oh right. The embarrassing part.

“The really bad thing about my, uh, issue… is that it’s not always girls that turn me on. It, uh also takes place around, uh… attractive, uh… well…

“Aw shoot… I’ll just say it like this. I can’t watch dog shows anymore. Ever.

“Okay? Are you all happy? I shared it, okay. That’s my thing. When it’s just girls, my wife almost understands… but when the neighbor is walking her dog… and she’s in a little sports bra, and her collie is wearing one of those faux leather harnesses… I mean… hot dang… I can’t figure out which is more hot, you know… the tight spandex over girl-fanny…. or a fluffy tail waggin’ in the wind… this one time… the lady and her dog… man… okay… she was, uh… washing the dog… and they were both getting sudsy in the yard… and OH CRAP!

[Suddenly Jim's face becomes slick with sweat… for a moment his eyes roll back… then his eyebrows and the hair on his arms are darker]

“CRAP CRAP CRAP!!! AROOOOOOO! MAN! I mean, WOLF! I’m ALL freakin’ WOLF right now! Hey you… babe in the front row… you got a poodle at home you wanna show me, eh? HEE HEE! Come on, fox, throw me a bone here! What? Is the moon not full enough for you? C’mon, SHAKE THAT TAIL FOR ME!”

“AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”