The Were-Celebrity

“Hi, my name’s Hank and I’m a werewolf.”

[Group: “Hi, Hank.”]

[Person in the crowd: “Don’t you mean were-wimp?”]

“I’m going to ignore that. It’s been a while since I’ve been to a meeting and I’m guessing you’re all wondering where I’ve been.”

[People in the group: “No.” “Not really” “You were gone?”]

“Oh, great. I go off to help all of us and no one even notices? Well, at least tell me you’re wondering why I’m all bandaged up like this? No, wait. Don’t bother. I’m sure the answer would only depress me.

“The first time I was here, someone said something during the social after the meeting that got me thinking. One big problem we ALPS sufferers have is our image. People are scared of us. They don’t see us the same way they see those with cancer or AIDS or any of those other fad diseases. And you know why they don’t have any sympathy for us?”

[Person in the group: “Because we bite off their heads, tear open their rib cages and feast on their still beating hearts?”]

“That’s an issue, sure, but I don’t think it’s the only reason we aren’t getting better press. Just think about all those other ‘cute’ diseases. What do they have they ALPS doesn’t? I’ll tell you what they have. They have celebrities out there raising awareness about the disease. Some of the celebrities have even had the disease themselves.

“So where are the celebrities speaking out for ALPS, huh? Why don’t we see Ed Asner telling America about the tragedy of ALPS? Why isn’t Cameron Diaz appearing in commercials with little children who have ALPS? I’ll tell you why. None of those oh so caring celebrities suffer from ALPS or even know anyone who suffers from ALPS!

“So, a couple of weeks ago, I flew out to LA to infect at least one major celebrity. I figured once we had a major star in our pack, we’d be able to generate some of the sympathy we deserve! I picked Michelle Pfeiffer as my target.”

[Guy in the group: “Oh yeah. She’s hot!”]

“Exactly! And she can act, too, so I thought she’d be perfect to help generate some sympathy for us. Only it didn’t work out like I’d hoped. I mean, I thought I’d have to deal with a bodyguard or two, but I was way off.

“Finding out where Michelle Pfeiffer lived wasn’t a problem. You can buy maps to all the stars’ homes out there. Her house had a big wall around it, but it wouldn’t be a problem for one of us. I came back in the middle of the night, transformed and leaped over the wall. Smooth and easy. I figured I’d just bash a few heads then bite Michelle in her sleep…

“Did any of you know there are such things were-Dobermans? I sure as Hell didn’t! Michelle’s house is guarded by a whole pack of them! I barely had a chance to look around after jumping the wall when the pack came baying after me. And they herded me right into a net trap – with a silver net! Man, I don’t know how much she paid for the net, but it sure burned bad! I couldn’t do anything but dangle in the net and whimper.

“Then this big guy walked up, tossed steaks to the were-Dobermans then looked at me. ‘Good work, boys. Looks like we caught us an Alpo!’ “

[Group: Muttering and murmuring.]

“Yeah, I was offended, too. I gritted my teeth and told him he had no right to call me names like that. You know what he did? He came up real close to me and said, ‘I’ll call you whatever I damn well please, boy. You’re just lucky I’m calling you Alpo instead of using you as Alpo. My boys here’ – and he waved toward the were-Dobermans – ‘are always mighty hungry after a chase.’

“So, I got turned over to the police and spent the rest of the night in jail. But they only had me for trespassing, so I paid bail and was out the next morning. I still had my map of the stars’ houses. I just figured I’d have to do some more thorough research on the bodyguard situation before making my move.

“Man, celebrities have got to be the most paranoid people on earth! Every single star I picked had some major firepower acting as bodyguards. Most of them had some kind of ALPS help, too. It was really depressing. I’d just about given up when I finally found someone who didn’t have a bodyguard at all – Summer Glau!”

[Group: “Who?]

“Summer Glau. Come on, doesn’t anyone here watch science fiction TV? She was River on Firefly and in the movie Serenity? She’s the terminator in Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles? She’s like this really cute, 98 pound girl who always plays someone who can kick the crap out of guys three times her size. In a way, she was perfect. Not only did she already have the reputation as an ass kicker, but she could get the science fiction, fantasy and comic book crowd behind us. “

[Person in the group: “So?”]

“So? You know, 10 years ago, everyone thought vampires were all scary, evil blood suckers. Then Laurell Hamilton’s Anita Blake books broke out of the genre and went big time. Now every other romance novelist is writing about super sexy vampires. And you know the vampire community is eating it up. I don’t know about, but I’m tired of seeing even the most pathetic looking vampire snag hot babes just by flashing a little fang!

“So I figured if Summer Glau could help us get popular with the science fiction and fantasy types, it wouldn’t be long before we had the same kind of break out. Then we’d get research dollars and be able to get hot babes by showing the fur!

“But it didn’t work out that way. I was able to sneak onto Summer’s property, no problem. Without guards, there was no one to stop me. I transformed and was about to kick in her door when the door flew open and I got attacked by a were-tiger! I fought as hard as I could, but this were-tiger really knew how to fight. Finally, all cut up and bruised, I transformed back and gave up.

“The were-tiger snarled, ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ That’s when I realized I had been fighting a were-tigress. Anyway, I explained everything, figuring another were would be sympathetic to my cause. And she was, actually. After I finished, she transformed back and the were-tigress turned out to be Summer Glau! No wonder she takes all the ass kicking roles. She really is a major kicker of asses!

“She helped me up and actually took me inside to bandage up my cuts. Then Summer told me my heart was in the right place but that I probably needed to have my head examined. ‘Leave Hollywood to the weres who understand it,’ she told me. Then she said if I really wanted help her spread the word, I should find a top notch script about a were-tiger. Or a good werewolf script that could be adapted for a were-tiger.

“Then she sent me on my way with a kiss on my cheek. This cheek. Right here. Anyway, that’s how I got the bandages and found out that infecting a big star isn’t the way to go. Nope, Summer has pointed me in the right direction!

“Does anyone have a suggestion for a good script writer? I hear they don’t usually have any bodyguards at all so infecting one of them ought to be a piece of cake!”

Dear Diary

8/4/08

Dear Diary,

Today was tough cuz Makayla was really mean to me in gym and I almost lost it right there in the locker room. When we were getting ready for swim practice I found that shed put hand soap in my bathing suit and I was SO ticked! I had to rinse it out in the sink then put on a wet bathing suit. I really hate that!!! Later she died a bloody death behind the school. I was able to hold of the transformation for longer than usual but when I bumped into her after classes were over she called me “soapbutt” and things just went downhill from there.

Later when I got home mom had made cookies so that cheered things up. I also finished up my history assignment.

8/5/08

Dear Diary,

What a day! Im doing good at getting ready for the dance, I lost five pounds from two weeks ago! V8 for breakfast is yucky but it seems to work. Allan told me I was hot today and I told him to bug off. Then later he snapped my bra and that was it for him! Oh yeah! Bloody death behind the school!

I watched some TV tonight but nothing good was on.

8/6/08

Dear Diary,

Im afraid people might be starting to wonder about me. When we moved to this new town and enrolled here I thought the looks and whispering and stuff would be over for good. Maybe I was wrong and should ask mom to homeschool me again. I guess I figured no one here had ever seen a were-wolverine before and that ALPS was probably out of their heads altogether. Maybe it still is but I think someone might have told on me. One of the teachers was being pretty condescending today in health class, you know, they were talking about sicknesses and stuff and ALPS came up. The teacher was all like qarantine the infected and stuff. I kept thinking about how unfair that was for reglar folks to wander free and for people like me to get locked up. I followed the teacher to there car after school meaning to have a face-to-face talk about their unfair approach to my condition. But then he got defensive and I think he guessed cause he winced when I got close and then started to act nervous which made me mad and then, well you know. Bloody death again!

When I got home I think mom and dad guessed. But dad had been in the same boat that day at work, he apparently gutted some stupid supervisor, so he understood and gave me a big hug. I love my dad. Some guys are jerks, but he really understands how to treat us girls, I hope I get to marry a guy like him.

8/7/08

Dear Diary,

Okay I think they certainly know now. I’ll bet there trying to figure out what to do with me. In class the teachers were all sort of cold even Ms. Evelyn who had been really nice on the first day when I'd lost my schedule and couldn't find my next class. I really think I liked her, but she was staring at me today and I got really irritated and stuff. Dad said that people without ALPS cant understand us and they also feel resentful about the laws that got passed about non-discrimination and stuff. So its not like they just jump on top of every death that takes place and go after the ALPS people because they know we’re kind of protected, and all the hate laws keep us safe generally.

Its too bad about Ms. Evelyn. I got so mad at her today even though she used to be nice you know? After I bit into her chest, I started to feel really guilty so I mostly just ate unimportant parts. Shes still going to look really pretty at her funeral. I wonder if I’ll look pretty at my funeral? Wouldn’t it stink if you looked lousy and everyone remembers you as ugly?

I wish I could stop these attacks Im starting to feel guilty about it, but I imagine that’s normal. I can’t help it and it’s not my fault, so why should I feel bad, I just need to make do with what I have and be happy with who I am. I think I read that in Oprah’s magazine.

Oh! Jack called today – for me! I think he wanted to ask me out, but instead he talked about his model collection. On the first day of school he lent me some book called Rebel Moon. It looks dum but he was cute anyways. I wonder what it would be like to kiss him… I’ve never kissed anyone before. I’ll bet its kind of slimy.

8/8/08

Dear Diary,

Well it happened. I got suspended. This always happens! I was so ticked! It happened in front of everyone, too becuase I was in first period and an officer stepped into the room and pulled me out.

I almost transformed right there in front of everyone wow I would’ve been so embarrassed. I was wearing this really pretty top I got from Urban Outfitters and every time I transform I end up ripping or krunking up my clothes somehow. I would have hated to mess this top up. Its so neat. Marsha had one back at my old school that was like it, but this one is green.

I got into the car with two officers but ended up eating them and walking home.

Maybe this whole school thing is’t for me. I’d kind of like to be a nurse and I think that takes a lot of school maybe I can take internet classes?

I wonder if Jacks going to call again?

Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen

Hi. My name is Sean and I’m a were-hyena.

It’s been a while since I’ve been around and I apologize. I know how important it is to come out to these meetings. Not only for my support but to support you my brothers and sisters as we try to live and make sense out of something that just don’t make sense.

It’s just that the last month or so has been a bit crazy and I have had to face some pretty hard facts about myself. I mean being a were-hyena should be cool. Hyena’s while not at the top of the food chain, still carry a certain amount of fear. We’re wild an unpredictable. You never know what we’re going to do. Are we gonna feed on carrion or band together and take down a gazelle. And the laugh, the laugh has the ability to strike fear into the hearts of his prey. We’re like The Joker of the animal kingdom. (The Heath Ledger version not the Caesar Romero version).

So it follows that being a were-hyena should rock, right? We don’t carry the pressure of a top of the food chain predator like a Were-wolf or a Were-Tiger faces. We got no expectations on us. And life was good for a long time until last month when I was walking through the alleyways looking for edible garbage, human or other, when I caught my reflection in a pool of water. My male pattern baldness carries over into the transformation. I’m a bald freakin hyena! I was wondering why the reaction to my appearance in recent years has changed. It’s unsettling to have someone laughing while you rip out their viscera. I thought they were laughing with me. Well now I know the truth. I’m a ferocious were-beast with a hair ring.

And there are some nasty things that carry over into the human world as well. Does anyone have any idea how bad your breath stinks in the morning after a night of eating week old road kill? I came home late one night after getting my fill on perfectly rotted meat and fell asleep with the covers over my head. Well when I woke in a small space filled with own special blend of halitosis I thought something had died, then I realized that something had died. And I ate it. Then comes the indigestion. Woo Boy! Try passing a stomach full of tabby and skunk bones out your rear. I always thought the bones were supposed to soften after baking for a week. My Pepto and Crest bill has gone through the roof.

But maybe the worst of all was last week. I showed up to a business meeting with a piece of hobo stuck in my teeth. Talk about embarrassing. Luckily his gall bladder was green enough that I was able to pass it off as part of a spinach omelet I had for breakfast. Can you imagine what would have happened if it would have been that derelicts cornea looking out from my mouth? I might have lost the deal.