The Were-Celebrity

“Hi, my name’s Hank and I’m a werewolf.”

[Group: “Hi, Hank.”]

[Person in the crowd: “Don’t you mean were-wimp?”]

“I’m going to ignore that. It’s been a while since I’ve been to a meeting and I’m guessing you’re all wondering where I’ve been.”

[People in the group: “No.” “Not really” “You were gone?”]

“Oh, great. I go off to help all of us and no one even notices? Well, at least tell me you’re wondering why I’m all bandaged up like this? No, wait. Don’t bother. I’m sure the answer would only depress me.

“The first time I was here, someone said something during the social after the meeting that got me thinking. One big problem we ALPS sufferers have is our image. People are scared of us. They don’t see us the same way they see those with cancer or AIDS or any of those other fad diseases. And you know why they don’t have any sympathy for us?”

[Person in the group: “Because we bite off their heads, tear open their rib cages and feast on their still beating hearts?”]

“That’s an issue, sure, but I don’t think it’s the only reason we aren’t getting better press. Just think about all those other ‘cute’ diseases. What do they have they ALPS doesn’t? I’ll tell you what they have. They have celebrities out there raising awareness about the disease. Some of the celebrities have even had the disease themselves.

“So where are the celebrities speaking out for ALPS, huh? Why don’t we see Ed Asner telling America about the tragedy of ALPS? Why isn’t Cameron Diaz appearing in commercials with little children who have ALPS? I’ll tell you why. None of those oh so caring celebrities suffer from ALPS or even know anyone who suffers from ALPS!

“So, a couple of weeks ago, I flew out to LA to infect at least one major celebrity. I figured once we had a major star in our pack, we’d be able to generate some of the sympathy we deserve! I picked Michelle Pfeiffer as my target.”

[Guy in the group: “Oh yeah. She’s hot!”]

“Exactly! And she can act, too, so I thought she’d be perfect to help generate some sympathy for us. Only it didn’t work out like I’d hoped. I mean, I thought I’d have to deal with a bodyguard or two, but I was way off.

“Finding out where Michelle Pfeiffer lived wasn’t a problem. You can buy maps to all the stars’ homes out there. Her house had a big wall around it, but it wouldn’t be a problem for one of us. I came back in the middle of the night, transformed and leaped over the wall. Smooth and easy. I figured I’d just bash a few heads then bite Michelle in her sleep…

“Did any of you know there are such things were-Dobermans? I sure as Hell didn’t! Michelle’s house is guarded by a whole pack of them! I barely had a chance to look around after jumping the wall when the pack came baying after me. And they herded me right into a net trap – with a silver net! Man, I don’t know how much she paid for the net, but it sure burned bad! I couldn’t do anything but dangle in the net and whimper.

“Then this big guy walked up, tossed steaks to the were-Dobermans then looked at me. ‘Good work, boys. Looks like we caught us an Alpo!’ “

[Group: Muttering and murmuring.]

“Yeah, I was offended, too. I gritted my teeth and told him he had no right to call me names like that. You know what he did? He came up real close to me and said, ‘I’ll call you whatever I damn well please, boy. You’re just lucky I’m calling you Alpo instead of using you as Alpo. My boys here’ – and he waved toward the were-Dobermans – ‘are always mighty hungry after a chase.’

“So, I got turned over to the police and spent the rest of the night in jail. But they only had me for trespassing, so I paid bail and was out the next morning. I still had my map of the stars’ houses. I just figured I’d have to do some more thorough research on the bodyguard situation before making my move.

“Man, celebrities have got to be the most paranoid people on earth! Every single star I picked had some major firepower acting as bodyguards. Most of them had some kind of ALPS help, too. It was really depressing. I’d just about given up when I finally found someone who didn’t have a bodyguard at all – Summer Glau!”

[Group: “Who?]

“Summer Glau. Come on, doesn’t anyone here watch science fiction TV? She was River on Firefly and in the movie Serenity? She’s the terminator in Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles? She’s like this really cute, 98 pound girl who always plays someone who can kick the crap out of guys three times her size. In a way, she was perfect. Not only did she already have the reputation as an ass kicker, but she could get the science fiction, fantasy and comic book crowd behind us. “

[Person in the group: “So?”]

“So? You know, 10 years ago, everyone thought vampires were all scary, evil blood suckers. Then Laurell Hamilton’s Anita Blake books broke out of the genre and went big time. Now every other romance novelist is writing about super sexy vampires. And you know the vampire community is eating it up. I don’t know about, but I’m tired of seeing even the most pathetic looking vampire snag hot babes just by flashing a little fang!

“So I figured if Summer Glau could help us get popular with the science fiction and fantasy types, it wouldn’t be long before we had the same kind of break out. Then we’d get research dollars and be able to get hot babes by showing the fur!

“But it didn’t work out that way. I was able to sneak onto Summer’s property, no problem. Without guards, there was no one to stop me. I transformed and was about to kick in her door when the door flew open and I got attacked by a were-tiger! I fought as hard as I could, but this were-tiger really knew how to fight. Finally, all cut up and bruised, I transformed back and gave up.

“The were-tiger snarled, ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ That’s when I realized I had been fighting a were-tigress. Anyway, I explained everything, figuring another were would be sympathetic to my cause. And she was, actually. After I finished, she transformed back and the were-tigress turned out to be Summer Glau! No wonder she takes all the ass kicking roles. She really is a major kicker of asses!

“She helped me up and actually took me inside to bandage up my cuts. Then Summer told me my heart was in the right place but that I probably needed to have my head examined. ‘Leave Hollywood to the weres who understand it,’ she told me. Then she said if I really wanted help her spread the word, I should find a top notch script about a were-tiger. Or a good werewolf script that could be adapted for a were-tiger.

“Then she sent me on my way with a kiss on my cheek. This cheek. Right here. Anyway, that’s how I got the bandages and found out that infecting a big star isn’t the way to go. Nope, Summer has pointed me in the right direction!

“Does anyone have a suggestion for a good script writer? I hear they don’t usually have any bodyguards at all so infecting one of them ought to be a piece of cake!”