Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen

Hi. My name is Sean and I’m a were-hyena.

It’s been a while since I’ve been around and I apologize. I know how important it is to come out to these meetings. Not only for my support but to support you my brothers and sisters as we try to live and make sense out of something that just don’t make sense.

It’s just that the last month or so has been a bit crazy and I have had to face some pretty hard facts about myself. I mean being a were-hyena should be cool. Hyena’s while not at the top of the food chain, still carry a certain amount of fear. We’re wild an unpredictable. You never know what we’re going to do. Are we gonna feed on carrion or band together and take down a gazelle. And the laugh, the laugh has the ability to strike fear into the hearts of his prey. We’re like The Joker of the animal kingdom. (The Heath Ledger version not the Caesar Romero version).

So it follows that being a were-hyena should rock, right? We don’t carry the pressure of a top of the food chain predator like a Were-wolf or a Were-Tiger faces. We got no expectations on us. And life was good for a long time until last month when I was walking through the alleyways looking for edible garbage, human or other, when I caught my reflection in a pool of water. My male pattern baldness carries over into the transformation. I’m a bald freakin hyena! I was wondering why the reaction to my appearance in recent years has changed. It’s unsettling to have someone laughing while you rip out their viscera. I thought they were laughing with me. Well now I know the truth. I’m a ferocious were-beast with a hair ring.

And there are some nasty things that carry over into the human world as well. Does anyone have any idea how bad your breath stinks in the morning after a night of eating week old road kill? I came home late one night after getting my fill on perfectly rotted meat and fell asleep with the covers over my head. Well when I woke in a small space filled with own special blend of halitosis I thought something had died, then I realized that something had died. And I ate it. Then comes the indigestion. Woo Boy! Try passing a stomach full of tabby and skunk bones out your rear. I always thought the bones were supposed to soften after baking for a week. My Pepto and Crest bill has gone through the roof.

But maybe the worst of all was last week. I showed up to a business meeting with a piece of hobo stuck in my teeth. Talk about embarrassing. Luckily his gall bladder was green enough that I was able to pass it off as part of a spinach omelet I had for breakfast. Can you imagine what would have happened if it would have been that derelicts cornea looking out from my mouth? I might have lost the deal.