Miguel: so... why did you write me? laptop in the pool again?
Hank: No. And I didn't throw it in the pool. It slipped!
Miguel: whatever
Hank: Anyway, I think I've a virus thing.
Miguel: okay... and you need it fixed... and youre probably not going to pay right away, right?
Hank: I can pay you on Tuesday. Or maybe I can do something for you in exchange?
Miguel: like mow my lawn lol
Miguel: hmm
Miguel: actually... there is something, maybe
Hank: Yeah? I'd love to help you out if I can!
Hank: I mean "love" like in "really like to a lot" not like, sex love.
Miguel: im not sure youre the right guy, but you sell cars, yeah?
Miguel: ha... better not be
Hank: Yeah, I sell cars. You looking, cause I can set you up with something nice!
Miguel: not me
Hank: Oh. Who?
Miguel: angel... you maybe met him once... friend
Hank: Angel? Is that the blond with the big ti- chest?
Miguel: no
Miguel: that was my mother
Miguel: shes available too
Hank: No. I'm sure I'm thinking about someone else.
Miguel: yeah... this is a guy.
Hank: A guy? At least he'll know something about cars, right?
Hank: The chicks never do.
Miguel: of course. he used to fix them up for a while. tired of beaters now.
Miguel: no... girls never know them
Hank: What's he looking for? Late model pre-owned? New? American? Import? Sporty? Family car?
Miguel: anything that doesn't look like an alpo rig
Miguel: no mad max stuff
Hank: What's that supposed to mean?
Miguel: you never saw that movie
Miguel: ?
Hank: Mad Max? Yeah. I meant the other bit. Alpo rig.
Miguel: oh you know... no hairy freak road warriors
Miguel: aroooooo!
Hank: You know what? Maybe I don't need your help after all. There's a guy that works at the Starbucks who says he's good with computers. Maybe I'll call him.
Miguel: whys that?
Hank: I don't think your lame ass "joke" was funny. ALPS isn't a joke, Miguel.
Miguel: lighten up dude
Miguel: i could make fun of your paleness
Miguel: wait a sec...
Hank: That would be a lot better than sniping on people just cause they have a disease!
Miguel: you got that thing???
Hank: What if I do? You sure wouldn't know it unless I went all "hairy freak" on you, ripped off your head and feasted on your still beating heart!
Miguel: ha ha ha, your crazy, man
Miguel: you can control it better than that, right?
Hank: Yeah. Crazy like a wolf.
Miguel: i mean... its not that bad all the time
Hank: Have I ever ripped off your head or eaten your still beating heart?
Miguel: come on, you're kidding me about having it
Hank: Yeah, sure. I'm kidding.
Hank: Or not.
Hank: How would you know?
Miguel: i got a friend maybe?
Hank: Yeah, who wants to buy a car.
Miguel: just tell me if you have it
Hank: Why? So you can yell "Alpo" and "aroooo" at me next time you see me?
Miguel: no man im not like that
Miguel: i just make jokes sometimes
Miguel: easier that way
Hank: Easier than what?
Miguel: i dont know
Hank: Hey, are you saying you've got ALPS too?
Miguel: only if you have it
Miguel: if not then no
Hank: Geez, is this fifth grade again?
Miguel: this conversation is too weird for me
Hank: Okay, yes, I have ALPS. Are you satisfied? Now you know enough to ruin me in this city.
Miguel: YES I HAVE IT
Miguel: okay now we're even
Hank: And you're trying to hide it and are ashamed of it, right?
Miguel: shouldnt I be???
Hank: Hell no!
Miguel: its like having aids that bites people.
Hank: You're one of God's creatures, just as much as the next guy!
Miguel: if the next guy was a freak
Hank: You need some help with your self esteem, man.
Hank: And I know just the place to get it!
Miguel: i dont do drugs
Hank: Not drugs. No drugs. We've got this group that meets once a week to help us all come to terms with our ALPS.
Miguel: sounds a little gay
Miguel: or.. maybe i shouldn't say that
Miguel: are you gay too?
Hank: No. I like girls a lot.
Miguel: good. but a group therapy thing sounds gay
Hank: No, it's not group therapy. It's a chance to tell others what you've gone through, see that they've gone through the same thing and we have a kick ass social afterwards.
Hank: There are plenty of women, too!
Miguel: okay
Miguel: alpo girls?
Hank: Okay, youve' got to stop using "alpo."
Miguel: why?
Hank: It's like the "n" word to us.
Miguel: not to me...
Miguel: im a wetback alpo. lol
Hank: If you want to fit in with the group, you're going to have to stop using the term. If nothing else, it will piss off all the women.
Miguel: okay... id do it for the ladies. ha ha
Hank: Good man.
Miguel: but not for you
Miguel: so...
Miguel: about that car...
Hank: Oh, another good thing about the group is that members are always willing to give an alibi if you do end up devouring someone.
Hank: Oh, yeah, the car.
Miguel: okay.... i dont devour anyone anymore...
Miguel: i mean ever
Miguel: never did that ever
Hank: Right...
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10 comments:
That was pretty good. Had the chat thread delay and everything.
I also liked how the "one of us" double-standard was depicted. Very subtle, but all too common.
Yeah, it's tough to get people to admit to socially unacceptable problems like ALPS. That's why I'm always trying to recruit new people to our support group and to find ways to get the word out to the general public. ALPS is A-okay!
We appreciate your support and understanding. Hey, you aren't one of us, too, are you?
I'm afraid not, though I am an ALPS researcher. My name is Graham Stewart, and I'm the lead scientist for the British Royal Institute for ALPS Research. You are probably aware that the cinematic smash An American Werewolf In London was based on a true story, I'm sure.
I travel around giving speeches to both the general public and ALPS sufferers alike. You would be surprised -- then again, mayhap you wouldn't -- at the amount of ignorance in the world. Even among some of your own....er....kind.
I would gladly attend one of your gatherings and present some of my research findings, if you would like.
I would definitely like to hear your presentation! This is the kind of thing I've been pushing and pushing for -- actual, valid scientific research into ALPS. That's what we need to have the rest of the people in the world begin to understand and sympathize with us.
When can you come?
I shall be visiting the colonies a few days prior to and following Hallow'een, researching the incarnations of the ALPS prototype within the various myths surrounding that most mysterious of holidays.
Therefore, I would be delighted to present it at your gathering on the 26th, if that is amenable. Should I forward you the text and slides in advance?
Reads like Haloscan.
I LIKE it,
If ALPS was not so serious a subject, I would have thought I was watching the dance of the Recruiting MLMers.
It is good that you are being honest about the hurt "Alpo" can inflict as an epithet. Nasty word. Nastier dog food. Don't ask.
Graham,
Sure, please forward the text and slides to me! I'll put them before the group director and make sure there's an opening for you.
Wow, this could be just the thing to start bringing ALPS out of the dark ages!
Certainly. Is there a particular email address to which I should send it?
Though I am afraid it will now arrive too late to make this week's gathering, which apparently has already begun. I shall have to rearrange my schedule to make an appearance next week.
Yes! Send it to me at hankgreenberg1017@yahoo.com. Can't wait to see it!
Email sent. I hope it meets with your approval.
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