Full Moon On a Cloudy Night

"Hi, I'm Hank. The werewolf. I've been up here a couple of times already and didn't think my turn would come around so fast. But the group director said I should plan on speaking, anyway. He said people always felt better about themselves after listening to me. That made me feel really good 'cause I wasn't sure my stuff was helping at all.

"I had to kind of scramble to figure out something to talk about tonight since I hadn't been thinking about it. Then I remembered something that happened back in college that kind of works with what's been going on in the country lately. So...

"You know I went a long way away for college so I could get away from Larry. He's the bully I accidentally turned into a werewolf in seventh grade. I went all the across the country to Berkeley and the University of California. I really didn't know that much about it before I got there, other than it was supposed to be a really good school and they sometimes had a good football team. Some people think it's silly, but I didn't know it was, like, the most liberal place on the face of the earth!

"I come from South Carolina, which isn't exactly what you'd call a big liberal stronghold. I was kind of libertarian in high school. The right to be left alone, particularly by bullies, really appealed to me. So I was used to being considered the 'liberal' guy. Man, was I in for a shock at Berkley!

"The city was so liberal they set up a reserved parking space right in front of the military recruiting office so protesters wouldn't have to walk so far to bitch and moan about the marines or the army. We just don't do things like that in the South. We've got respect for the people willing to join and serve! So, like I said, I went from being the liberal wacko at home to being some kind of right wing nut case at college. That's why I ended up making friends with a bunch of the Republicans on campus. I mean, what choice did I have?

"It was an overcast, chilly day in February, my freshman year, that it happened. I'd gone out with some of the buddies from the College Republicans to help put up signs for an appearance by Ann Coulter. I didn't really know much about her back then except she looked really hot and my friends said she was a real political smart ass. The posters all had a picture of Ann on them, plus the guys were going out for beer afterward. That's why I agreed to help.

"So, we spent a couple of hours putting signs up all over campus and were heading back for the beer when we saw them. It was some of the really big pain-in-the-ass, really far left wing guys who were always trying to break up the Republican meetings. They were coming along behind us and tearing down all the posters we had just put up! Man, that just pissed us off no end!

"They saw us about that time and just pointed and laughed at us. Called us a bunch of Hitler youth, ragged on us for being so intolerant and that sort of stuff.

"One of my buddies said, 'You know we can report you for all of this. You're taking down our signs, using hate speech and being intolerant.'

"This really fat guy who was sort of the groups leader said, 'You mean we're acting like Republicans?'

"I couldn't stand that guy. He was always so smug and superior. So I said, 'They have never taken down your signs! They don't call you communists or any other names. And they never try to shout you down when you're offering your stupid opinions like you do to them!'

"He just laughed, 'Why wouldn't we shout them down? We're the most tolerant people on earth and we can't just stand by and let people like you ruin that!'

"I just stared at him. 'Guys, we can't talk to morons like him. Let's just kick their asses and make them put the signs back up.'

"I know I sound pretty brave and all, but I knew I had an advantage on those guys. I could just unleash a bit of the ALPS and beat the crap out of them without any problem. But my friends didn't know that and there were more of them than us. So they hemmed and hawed a bit. And that's when it all went wrong.

"The fat guy shouted, 'You're going to kick my ass? My ass is way too big for a wimp like you to kick! See?'

"Then the fat guy turned around, dropped his pants and stuck his big ass out at us. The light from an outdoor lamp hit it just right and all I could see what a big, full moon in front of me. I couldn't help it. I transformed and totally lost control. It was lucky for the other guys that they were with fatty. I got so full devouring him that I didn't even bother to chase them. Of course, all that blood ruined the Ann Coulter posters, too.

"Well you can guess what happened next. I got called up before the administrators for it. Fortunately, my parents paid for a really good lawyer who claimed that mooning a person with ALPS could reasonably be considered hate speech. The college agreed to hush up the whole thing and drop all charges if I transferred to another college immediately. I decided I'd better get back to the South, but not too close to home. So I transferred to the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

"That didn't work out so well, either, but that's another story."