Blood and Bowl Games

"Hi everyone. I think you all know me by now -- Hank, the Werewolf."

[Everyone: "Hi Hank!"]

"Last time I was up here I told you about when I met Michelle -- she's a vampire -- and how we started dating. Anyway, on Sunday she took me to a vampire Superbowl party and boy was it wild!"

[Willy: "You went to a vampire party? Alone? Just how stupid are you, son?"]

"I'm up here talking, aren't I? If I was as stupid as you think I probably wouldn't be here."

[Willy: "I guess God really does protect children and fools."]

"Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah.

"Michelle's brother Luke, the script writer? He wanted us to go with him to his usual sports bar to watch the game. He was real disappointed his Eagles hadn't gotten there but he's too big of a fan to miss the game. But Michelle said she couldn't go because her sire was having a party and she had to attend.

"The whole 'sire' thing was new for Luke and I knew less than I thought I did. I just thought a sire was like the alpha in a werewolf pack. You know, the alpha's in charge and you've got to obey him on pack matters. But a sire isn't like that at all. A sire is actually an older vampire who has turned others into vampires, too. Michelle didn't want to go into the details, but apparently a vampire can either drink someone's blood or inject their own blood into the person. If they inject blood, the person usually contracts SCABS and becomes a vampire.

"You know, were-creatures can't help it when we bite someone and give them ALPS. It's not an excuse or anything, but we don't choose to create more of us. Some vampires, though, seem to live for siring more vampires. Michelle's sire, Tony, is one of those.

"Anyway, Michelle told her brother that it was impossible for her to directly disobey her sire. If he ordered her to attend his party, she had no choice by to go. Neither Luke or I liked the sound of that! Luke was all set to skip the sports bar and go with her, but Michelle squashed that idea fast.

"She told him, 'If I bring a normal with me, Tony would either become their sire or, worse, order me to do it. So you're not coming with me and that's final!'

"I couldn't let down my new friends, so said, 'Don't worry, Luke. I'll go with her and will make sure this Tony guy doesn't get out of hand.'

"Michelle wasn't happy about having me going, either, but there was no way I wasn't going with her. I told her, 'Look, you can take me along openly or I'll just follow your scent and crash the party.' It didn't end there -- and Michelle has one Hell of a temper when she's roused -- but Luke and I weren't budging. She finally gave in.

"Michelle had settled down by the time we left for the party. I'd kicked up my senses and could tell she was nervous about the party; and not just because I was going to be there. I think she was a little relieved I was going, actually. We were just going to walk from Luke's apartment because this Tony guy lives in a big loft near the university. Get this, the guy's a student! Michelle says he's already got a dozen different degrees but keeps going back to college because there's plenty of prey there.

"What a sleaze bag, right? Michelle could tell I was getting angry just thinking about this guy. She pulled me off the sidewalk to sit on a park bench, looked in my eyes and said, 'You can't let this get to you, Hank! If you go up to Tony and go alpo on him, he's going to have you killed! He'll order all of his children -- that's what he calls us -- to kill you. And we will do it! None of us will want to, but it is impossible for us to disobey our sire!'

"I hadn't realized the connection was that strong. 'So that's why Tony keeps siring more vampires? So he can have a bunch of slaves who have to do his bidding?' I asked her.

"Michelle shook her head, 'No. Or not entirely, anyway. Tony loves ordering us around, especially if he's ordering us to do something he knows we don't want to do. But the main reason he sires more vampires is so he can live forever.'

"I know I must have looked confused. Michelle took my hands, 'A vampire who feeds from other vampires doesn't age and will never die as long as he has vampires to feed from. Hank, don't let Tony' apparent age fool you. He's 319 years old!'

"What she had said surprised. Not that Tony was 319, but that vampires didn't automatically live forever. 'I thought vampires were, you know, undead and lived forever.'

"Michelle actually laughed a bit. 'That's just a typical misunderstanding. We get old and die, just like everyone else. Unless we do what Tony does, and most of us would rather die than become a sire!' She poked me in the ribs. 'Have I ever felt cold in your arms? I'm just as alive as you are. I just have a different disease than you.'

"'So you don't have to put a stake through a vampire's heart to kill him?' I asked.

"Michelle grimaced, 'That part is true, more or less. You know how you can heal from almost any wound when you're transformed? Vampires are like that all the time. As long as our blood flows, we can heal from most wounds. Something that causes us to bleed out quickly might kill us, but a stake through heart is the only sure way.'

"All of that was news to me! On the other hand, I was glad the lively, warm girl I'd been holding was, well, still a live warm girl!

"A few minutes later we got to Tony's loft. It looked mighty expensive for a student, but I guess a guy could make a lot of money in 300 years! The place was crowded when we entered, conversation buzzing. There was also something like a reception line waiting to talk this guy who looked like he was 19 or 20. He was lounging in a fancy chair, looking all the world like he was the king of the world. I figured that had to be Tony.

"The minute I stepped into the room behind Michelle, the conversation just stopped and everyone in the room turned to look at me. It's freaky having 30 pairs of eyes trained on you when you know every pair of eyes belongs to a vampire!

"Tony spoke in a voice with the whip crack of command in it. 'Michelle. Front and center. Now. And bring your...guest.'

"Michelle turned to grab my hand and I could tell she wasn't fully there. Her eyes were glazed and didn't show any emotion. I figured this must be that whole 'must obey' bit she'd told me about. With surprising force, Michelle dragged me to stand before Tony.

"Tony looked me up and down, 'Michelle, why have you brought this...creature...before me?'

"When she answered, her voice was flat and emotionless. 'He's my boyfriend, Sire. He insisted on coming so he could protect me.'

"Not exactly information I wanted spoken aloud in a room full of vampires, let me tell you! Tony turned those laser beam eyes on me, 'Most amusing, puppy boy. Don't the elders of your mangy kind pass along any knowledge to their pups any more? Don't they teach you to keep your wet little noses out of the business of your betters?'

"That was it! I snapped and transformed right there. As I leaped at Tony's throat, I heard Michelle cry out, 'No Hank!' But it was too late for her cry and too late for Tony. At least that's what I thought. Tony moved so fast I could barely see it with my enhanced senses. He was on his feet, holding me by the throat before I got within a foot of him.

"My back paws swung above the ground and my front paws weren't having any effect on the hand that was holding me. 'Bad doggy! You need to be punished,' Tony said to me. Turning to Michelle, he said, 'And you're going to do the punishing, Michelle.'

"Michelle had tears in her eyes, 'No, Tony! Please-'

"'Enough!' Tony said, using the whip crack voice again. 'You will drain this beast dry and then you will plunge a silver knife into its heart.'

"I could see Michelle was fighting against the command with all her will. And I could see she was losing. But forcing his will on Michelle was taking all of Tony's attention. It was the only chance I was going to get, so I took it!

"I reverted back to human form and my much smaller neck slipped right out of Tony's grasp. I transformed back to wolf form just as my back feet hit the floor. Pushing off from the floor, I lunged underneath Tony's outstretched hand. He attention was just turning to me when I ripped out his throat. Tony's hands flew to stop the flow of blood from his throat until he could heal. And that's when I ripped open his ribcage and feasted on his still beating heart! Tony had just enough time to look at the gaping hole in his chest before his eyes clouded over and he died.

"Everything was really quiet for a few seconds and then someone said, 'He killed Tony!' Then others took it up, too. 'He killed Tony!' and 'Tony's dead!' I started looking around for a quick exit!

"Then Michelle grabbed me in a great big hug and started scratching behind my ears. I was still in wolf form and she knows I love that. 'That's my alpo!' she said. 'Way to go, Hank!'

"And just like that, the spell broke and everyone started cheering. I transformed back to human form and got a big kiss on the mouth from Michelle. When she pulled back to take a breath I asked, 'Why aren't they trying to beat me to death for killing their sire?'

"Michelle laughed, 'You're kidding, right? None of us liked Tony! God, we all hated him more than you can imagine! But it's impossible for any vampire to kill their sire. I didn't think you could, either, really, and that's why I didn't want you to come along.' She kissed me again. 'But you did it! You freed us from Tony!'

"The rest of the evening is kind of a blur. When they're not being lorded over by their sire, the vampires turned out to be a pretty wild bunch! Everyone kept bringing me drinks. They even offered to let me devour the rest of Tony. I wasn't really hungry but I knew it would be easier for them if there wasn't a body to be found. I swear, those vampire cheered every bite I took!

"After a few hours, Michelle and I headed back to her place and... Well, a gentleman doesn't tell!"

[Miguel: "Dude! You left that part out when you told me about it.]

"Well, that's all you're going to hear, so don't bug me about it. I do have one question, though.

"With all the excitement, we totally forgot about the game. Who won?"

Full Moon On a Cloudy Night

"Hi, I'm Hank. The werewolf. I've been up here a couple of times already and didn't think my turn would come around so fast. But the group director said I should plan on speaking, anyway. He said people always felt better about themselves after listening to me. That made me feel really good 'cause I wasn't sure my stuff was helping at all.

"I had to kind of scramble to figure out something to talk about tonight since I hadn't been thinking about it. Then I remembered something that happened back in college that kind of works with what's been going on in the country lately. So...

"You know I went a long way away for college so I could get away from Larry. He's the bully I accidentally turned into a werewolf in seventh grade. I went all the across the country to Berkeley and the University of California. I really didn't know that much about it before I got there, other than it was supposed to be a really good school and they sometimes had a good football team. Some people think it's silly, but I didn't know it was, like, the most liberal place on the face of the earth!

"I come from South Carolina, which isn't exactly what you'd call a big liberal stronghold. I was kind of libertarian in high school. The right to be left alone, particularly by bullies, really appealed to me. So I was used to being considered the 'liberal' guy. Man, was I in for a shock at Berkley!

"The city was so liberal they set up a reserved parking space right in front of the military recruiting office so protesters wouldn't have to walk so far to bitch and moan about the marines or the army. We just don't do things like that in the South. We've got respect for the people willing to join and serve! So, like I said, I went from being the liberal wacko at home to being some kind of right wing nut case at college. That's why I ended up making friends with a bunch of the Republicans on campus. I mean, what choice did I have?

"It was an overcast, chilly day in February, my freshman year, that it happened. I'd gone out with some of the buddies from the College Republicans to help put up signs for an appearance by Ann Coulter. I didn't really know much about her back then except she looked really hot and my friends said she was a real political smart ass. The posters all had a picture of Ann on them, plus the guys were going out for beer afterward. That's why I agreed to help.

"So, we spent a couple of hours putting signs up all over campus and were heading back for the beer when we saw them. It was some of the really big pain-in-the-ass, really far left wing guys who were always trying to break up the Republican meetings. They were coming along behind us and tearing down all the posters we had just put up! Man, that just pissed us off no end!

"They saw us about that time and just pointed and laughed at us. Called us a bunch of Hitler youth, ragged on us for being so intolerant and that sort of stuff.

"One of my buddies said, 'You know we can report you for all of this. You're taking down our signs, using hate speech and being intolerant.'

"This really fat guy who was sort of the groups leader said, 'You mean we're acting like Republicans?'

"I couldn't stand that guy. He was always so smug and superior. So I said, 'They have never taken down your signs! They don't call you communists or any other names. And they never try to shout you down when you're offering your stupid opinions like you do to them!'

"He just laughed, 'Why wouldn't we shout them down? We're the most tolerant people on earth and we can't just stand by and let people like you ruin that!'

"I just stared at him. 'Guys, we can't talk to morons like him. Let's just kick their asses and make them put the signs back up.'

"I know I sound pretty brave and all, but I knew I had an advantage on those guys. I could just unleash a bit of the ALPS and beat the crap out of them without any problem. But my friends didn't know that and there were more of them than us. So they hemmed and hawed a bit. And that's when it all went wrong.

"The fat guy shouted, 'You're going to kick my ass? My ass is way too big for a wimp like you to kick! See?'

"Then the fat guy turned around, dropped his pants and stuck his big ass out at us. The light from an outdoor lamp hit it just right and all I could see what a big, full moon in front of me. I couldn't help it. I transformed and totally lost control. It was lucky for the other guys that they were with fatty. I got so full devouring him that I didn't even bother to chase them. Of course, all that blood ruined the Ann Coulter posters, too.

"Well you can guess what happened next. I got called up before the administrators for it. Fortunately, my parents paid for a really good lawyer who claimed that mooning a person with ALPS could reasonably be considered hate speech. The college agreed to hush up the whole thing and drop all charges if I transferred to another college immediately. I decided I'd better get back to the South, but not too close to home. So I transferred to the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

"That didn't work out so well, either, but that's another story."