Werechat: The Recruit

Miguel: so... why did you write me? laptop in the pool again?

Hank: No. And I didn't throw it in the pool. It slipped!

Miguel: whatever

Hank: Anyway, I think I've a virus thing.

Miguel: okay... and you need it fixed... and youre probably not going to pay right away, right?

Hank: I can pay you on Tuesday. Or maybe I can do something for you in exchange?

Miguel: like mow my lawn lol

Miguel: hmm

Miguel: actually... there is something, maybe

Hank: Yeah? I'd love to help you out if I can!

Hank: I mean "love" like in "really like to a lot" not like, sex love.

Miguel: im not sure youre the right guy, but you sell cars, yeah?

Miguel: ha... better not be

Hank: Yeah, I sell cars. You looking, cause I can set you up with something nice!

Miguel: not me

Hank: Oh. Who?

Miguel: angel... you maybe met him once... friend

Hank: Angel? Is that the blond with the big ti- chest?

Miguel: no

Miguel: that was my mother

Miguel: shes available too

Hank: No. I'm sure I'm thinking about someone else.

Miguel: yeah... this is a guy.

Hank: A guy? At least he'll know something about cars, right?

Hank: The chicks never do.

Miguel: of course. he used to fix them up for a while. tired of beaters now.

Miguel: no... girls never know them

Hank: What's he looking for? Late model pre-owned? New? American? Import? Sporty? Family car?

Miguel: anything that doesn't look like an alpo rig

Miguel: no mad max stuff

Hank: What's that supposed to mean?

Miguel: you never saw that movie

Miguel: ?

Hank: Mad Max? Yeah. I meant the other bit. Alpo rig.

Miguel: oh you know... no hairy freak road warriors

Miguel: aroooooo!

Hank: You know what? Maybe I don't need your help after all. There's a guy that works at the Starbucks who says he's good with computers. Maybe I'll call him.

Miguel: whys that?

Hank: I don't think your lame ass "joke" was funny. ALPS isn't a joke, Miguel.

Miguel: lighten up dude

Miguel: i could make fun of your paleness

Miguel: wait a sec...

Hank: That would be a lot better than sniping on people just cause they have a disease!

Miguel: you got that thing???

Hank: What if I do? You sure wouldn't know it unless I went all "hairy freak" on you, ripped off your head and feasted on your still beating heart!

Miguel: ha ha ha, your crazy, man

Miguel: you can control it better than that, right?

Hank: Yeah. Crazy like a wolf.

Miguel: i mean... its not that bad all the time

Hank: Have I ever ripped off your head or eaten your still beating heart?

Miguel: come on, you're kidding me about having it

Hank: Yeah, sure. I'm kidding.

Hank: Or not.

Hank: How would you know?

Miguel: i got a friend maybe?

Hank: Yeah, who wants to buy a car.

Miguel: just tell me if you have it

Hank: Why? So you can yell "Alpo" and "aroooo" at me next time you see me?

Miguel: no man im not like that

Miguel: i just make jokes sometimes

Miguel: easier that way

Hank: Easier than what?

Miguel: i dont know

Hank: Hey, are you saying you've got ALPS too?

Miguel: only if you have it

Miguel: if not then no

Hank: Geez, is this fifth grade again?

Miguel: this conversation is too weird for me

Hank: Okay, yes, I have ALPS. Are you satisfied? Now you know enough to ruin me in this city.

Miguel: YES I HAVE IT

Miguel: okay now we're even

Hank: And you're trying to hide it and are ashamed of it, right?

Miguel: shouldnt I be???

Hank: Hell no!

Miguel: its like having aids that bites people.

Hank: You're one of God's creatures, just as much as the next guy!

Miguel: if the next guy was a freak

Hank: You need some help with your self esteem, man.

Hank: And I know just the place to get it!

Miguel: i dont do drugs

Hank: Not drugs. No drugs. We've got this group that meets once a week to help us all come to terms with our ALPS.

Miguel: sounds a little gay

Miguel: or.. maybe i shouldn't say that

Miguel: are you gay too?

Hank: No. I like girls a lot.

Miguel: good. but a group therapy thing sounds gay

Hank: No, it's not group therapy. It's a chance to tell others what you've gone through, see that they've gone through the same thing and we have a kick ass social afterwards.

Hank: There are plenty of women, too!

Miguel: okay

Miguel: alpo girls?

Hank: Okay, youve' got to stop using "alpo."

Miguel: why?

Hank: It's like the "n" word to us.

Miguel: not to me...

Miguel: im a wetback alpo. lol

Hank: If you want to fit in with the group, you're going to have to stop using the term. If nothing else, it will piss off all the women.

Miguel: okay... id do it for the ladies. ha ha

Hank: Good man.

Miguel: but not for you

Miguel: so...

Miguel: about that car...

Hank: Oh, another good thing about the group is that members are always willing to give an alibi if you do end up devouring someone.

Hank: Oh, yeah, the car.

Miguel: okay.... i dont devour anyone anymore...

Miguel: i mean ever

Miguel: never did that ever

Hank: Right...