“Hey everyone, it’s Miguel.”
(EVERYONE: Hi Miguel!)
“Wait. I started that wrong. How’s this? Uh, hi everyone, I’m Miguel, and I’m a were-wolf.”
(EVERYONE: Hi Miguel!)
“So… anyhow… I know I haven’t been around much lately. Been too busy to show up. Well… not REALLY too busy, but… time gets away from me.
See, I lost my regular job and I’m just freelancing now on random stuff. And by freelancing, I mean basically doing nothing because almost nobody’s hiring freelancers. Sure, I get the occasional computer-fixing job or html gig… but things are slow. Glad I’m single or I’d really be toast.
Now I’m not naturally a lazy guy, so I’ve set some tasks. It wasn’t until I started coming here that I really came to grips with my ALPS. Hank helped me with that. Before… I just ignored it. Of course, now that it’s getting all political, if you ignore it – you’re likely to end up in Gitmo or wherever they’re sending “enemy combatants” these days.
Anyhow, my main task has been researching stuff about paranormal creatures. Like us, right? Ha. So... most of my research has involved archival footage. For example, last month I watched the 1931 version of Dracula with Bela Lugosi. Interestingly, that film tied in werewolf legends with vampire legends.”
(Someone in the audience boos loudly)
“I know, I know. Most of us aren’t fans of the necksuckers. But… watching Dracula made me think. Could there be a common thread connecting weres with vampires? People around here have starting talking about ‘Dark Life’ lately, and trying to make it like we ALPS victims are also part of some deep dark thread that runs through history… connecting trolls, chupacabras, Barbra Streisand and goblins or whatever. I’m not sure about that. But it does make me think a little that we might know a lot less than we think we do.
So… after watching Dracula, and thinking about how hard it was to follow and how poorly paced… it made me really feel down about life. So… I killed and ate a particularly annoying neighbor. Not intentionally, of course…it was on accident. But this guy… my gosh… he was driving me batty! Up all night… cranking up the bass on his car (a black hearse, by the way), having all these pale pasty druggie looking chicks over constantly for 2:00AM pool parties – it was NUTS!
And I was already in a funk from being unemployed. And it was a full moon. I was trying to get some sleep and he cranked up the radio one too many times. I looked out the window… he was out in front of his house, just fiddling around with his car door open. No one else there. So I walked over, irritated. And he looked at me with a drop-dead look… and I transformed… and tore him to shreds.
But… then I noticed his teeth. Uh-oh. One of those. Should have FREAKING guessed that… but with all the stupid goth punks around here, you don’t except a real creature of the night.
Uh… so now I’m worried. Could I end up with SCABS? Am I more susceptible because I already have ALPS?"
(Someone yells “NO!”)
"Well, I hope not. But I’ve started taking garlic capsules just to be sure."
(Miguel starts to walk off the stage – then returns to the mic)
“Oh… and if anyone is hiring right now… can you guys let me know?”
Showing posts with label Miguel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Miguel. Show all posts
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Lollipop Love
“Hi, I’m Hank and I’m a werewolf.”
[Everyone: Hi Hank!]
“I’m… Uh… Wow, this is tougher than I thought… Okay, I’m just going to come right out and say it…”
[Person in the crowd: So say it already!]
“I was working up to it! This isn’t easy and you’ll understand when I finally say it… All right… Out with it…
“I’m in love with a lollipop!”
[Same person: A what?]
“A lollipop. What’s with all the blank stares? Geez, don’t you people know what a lollipop is?”
[Miguel: I know-]
“Besides you, Miguel… Man, don’t any of you people ever go out or read anything in the press? A lollipop is a vampire!
“You guys still don’t get it? It’s like this. A vampire is a blood sucker. People shorten blood sucker to sucker. And a sucker is another word for a lollipop. See? It’s simple.
“I can see by your faces that this isn’t sinking in. Let’s just say vampires would rather be called lollipops than scabbies. At least the girls would. And that’s what I want to tell you about. I’m in love with a girl vampire!
“I’d been looking around for a script writer to infect with ALPS so we could get a big, sympathetic movie made about us. And with that stupid editorial calling for internment of all of us, I figured it was more important than ever to find the script writer fast! I did some searching around on the internet. By the way, thanks for fixing my computer again, Miguel!"
[Miguel: No prob, dude.]
“Anyway, I’d found this guy, Luke Dorn, who was taking a break from Hollywood for a few months. He came here to teach writing for a semester at a local college and work on a book he was writing. Anyway, I tracked-“
[Miguel: You tracked?]
“Okay, I told Miguel about the guy and he tracked him down somehow. I think Miguel used his computer but I don’t know. Anyway, once I knew where Luke lived and worked, I watched him for a while to figure out his habits. It turns out he always hits a sports bar on Monday nights to watch football. I started going to same bar and it wasn’t too hard to manage to meet him and get him talking. That’s an essential skill for a used car salesman! Besides, he made it easy. He always wore a Philadelphia Eagles hat and jacket. I just showed up wearing the same and he did most of my work for me.
“Anyway, we became good buddies. I wasn’t faking that, either. Luke turned out to be a good guy. Nice enough I was starting to feel sorry I had to infect him with ALPS. Last Monday, I suggested we meet at his apartment after work and grab a bite to eat before the game. That way I could bite him in private and not give the papers any more bad stuff to write about us.
“I showed up at Luke’s place at 6:30 and he offered me a beer while he finished up something. I kicked in a little of the power just to sense if he was nervous or anything. And right then the door opened and a woman walked in. A really good looking woman.
“Luke said, ‘Oh, good. I was hoping you’d get home in time! Hank, this is my sister Michelle.’
“But we weren’t paying attention to Luke. Michelle glared at me and said, “Alpo.” I glared back and said, “Scabbie.” Luke was just looking back and forth between us looking confused when Michelle leaped at me.
“She knocked me back into the wall but I just used it to push off and hit her hard, knocking her down. Next thing, we were rolling all around trying to get an advantage on the other. I really wanted to fully transform, but you know how you have to give it all your concentration for a second or so to transform if the moon isn’t full? Well, I figured if I took that second or so, she’d rip my throat out or something.
“In the background, I think Luke was shouting at us. He was probably trying to figure out what was going on, too. Can’t say I blame him. I mean, his sister and his new friend were rolling around on the floor, breaking his furniture and trying to kill each other. It’d probably freak out any normal.
“Michelle and I rolled up against this monster couch that Luke had and everything stopped for a second. She was lying on top of me, trying to pin my arms to the floor. We were both panting and I’ll bet I had the same wild, uncontrolled look in my eyes that she had in hers. I could feel blood rolling down the side of my cheek from a cut. Then it was like the whole world vanished for a few seconds. It just her and me, staring into each other’s eyes. That’s when she leaned down and licked the blood off my cheek. The look on her face told me everything.
“She was hungry and it was taking every bit of control she had to fight her natural instincts. I know how that feels. We all know how that feels. So I said, ‘Go ahead and feed. It’s okay. ’ I turned my head and offered my neck to her. That wasn’t easy to do, I’ll tell you!
“Her fangs popped out but she still hesitated. ‘I… I shouldn’t!’
“’Why not?’ I asked her. ‘Remember? I’m a werewolf. I’ll heal! Let yourself go. Everyone needs to do that every now and then.’
“I’ve got a better idea why vampires are having an easier time fitting in to noral society than we are. Having a vampire feed on you is… Well, it’s hard to describe. It hurts a bit at first but then it becomes really intimate. It’s not like sex, but it’s just as intimate.
“After a few minutes, it dawned on us that Luke was still in the room watching us. It was almost embarrassing. Kind of like being in college and having your roommate ignore the tie you left on the door knob and walked in at the wrong time. But Luke was embarrassed by it. Hell, he was busy scribbling in a notebook and muttering, ‘This is great stuff!’
“I won’t go over everything that happened afterwards, but get this. Luke’s going to write that screenplay we want! He’s going to put vampires in it, too, which makes sense considering his sister is one. It’s going to be about how alienated both groups are from normal society. I didn’t even have to give Luke ALPS to get him started! And I met a wonderful girl at the same time!
“I love it when a plan comes together!”
[Everyone: Hi Hank!]
“I’m… Uh… Wow, this is tougher than I thought… Okay, I’m just going to come right out and say it…”
[Person in the crowd: So say it already!]
“I was working up to it! This isn’t easy and you’ll understand when I finally say it… All right… Out with it…
“I’m in love with a lollipop!”
[Same person: A what?]
“A lollipop. What’s with all the blank stares? Geez, don’t you people know what a lollipop is?”
[Miguel: I know-]
“Besides you, Miguel… Man, don’t any of you people ever go out or read anything in the press? A lollipop is a vampire!
“You guys still don’t get it? It’s like this. A vampire is a blood sucker. People shorten blood sucker to sucker. And a sucker is another word for a lollipop. See? It’s simple.
“I can see by your faces that this isn’t sinking in. Let’s just say vampires would rather be called lollipops than scabbies. At least the girls would. And that’s what I want to tell you about. I’m in love with a girl vampire!
“I’d been looking around for a script writer to infect with ALPS so we could get a big, sympathetic movie made about us. And with that stupid editorial calling for internment of all of us, I figured it was more important than ever to find the script writer fast! I did some searching around on the internet. By the way, thanks for fixing my computer again, Miguel!"
[Miguel: No prob, dude.]
“Anyway, I’d found this guy, Luke Dorn, who was taking a break from Hollywood for a few months. He came here to teach writing for a semester at a local college and work on a book he was writing. Anyway, I tracked-“
[Miguel: You tracked?]
“Okay, I told Miguel about the guy and he tracked him down somehow. I think Miguel used his computer but I don’t know. Anyway, once I knew where Luke lived and worked, I watched him for a while to figure out his habits. It turns out he always hits a sports bar on Monday nights to watch football. I started going to same bar and it wasn’t too hard to manage to meet him and get him talking. That’s an essential skill for a used car salesman! Besides, he made it easy. He always wore a Philadelphia Eagles hat and jacket. I just showed up wearing the same and he did most of my work for me.
“Anyway, we became good buddies. I wasn’t faking that, either. Luke turned out to be a good guy. Nice enough I was starting to feel sorry I had to infect him with ALPS. Last Monday, I suggested we meet at his apartment after work and grab a bite to eat before the game. That way I could bite him in private and not give the papers any more bad stuff to write about us.
“I showed up at Luke’s place at 6:30 and he offered me a beer while he finished up something. I kicked in a little of the power just to sense if he was nervous or anything. And right then the door opened and a woman walked in. A really good looking woman.
“Luke said, ‘Oh, good. I was hoping you’d get home in time! Hank, this is my sister Michelle.’
“But we weren’t paying attention to Luke. Michelle glared at me and said, “Alpo.” I glared back and said, “Scabbie.” Luke was just looking back and forth between us looking confused when Michelle leaped at me.
“She knocked me back into the wall but I just used it to push off and hit her hard, knocking her down. Next thing, we were rolling all around trying to get an advantage on the other. I really wanted to fully transform, but you know how you have to give it all your concentration for a second or so to transform if the moon isn’t full? Well, I figured if I took that second or so, she’d rip my throat out or something.
“In the background, I think Luke was shouting at us. He was probably trying to figure out what was going on, too. Can’t say I blame him. I mean, his sister and his new friend were rolling around on the floor, breaking his furniture and trying to kill each other. It’d probably freak out any normal.
“Michelle and I rolled up against this monster couch that Luke had and everything stopped for a second. She was lying on top of me, trying to pin my arms to the floor. We were both panting and I’ll bet I had the same wild, uncontrolled look in my eyes that she had in hers. I could feel blood rolling down the side of my cheek from a cut. Then it was like the whole world vanished for a few seconds. It just her and me, staring into each other’s eyes. That’s when she leaned down and licked the blood off my cheek. The look on her face told me everything.
“She was hungry and it was taking every bit of control she had to fight her natural instincts. I know how that feels. We all know how that feels. So I said, ‘Go ahead and feed. It’s okay. ’ I turned my head and offered my neck to her. That wasn’t easy to do, I’ll tell you!
“Her fangs popped out but she still hesitated. ‘I… I shouldn’t!’
“’Why not?’ I asked her. ‘Remember? I’m a werewolf. I’ll heal! Let yourself go. Everyone needs to do that every now and then.’
“I’ve got a better idea why vampires are having an easier time fitting in to noral society than we are. Having a vampire feed on you is… Well, it’s hard to describe. It hurts a bit at first but then it becomes really intimate. It’s not like sex, but it’s just as intimate.
“After a few minutes, it dawned on us that Luke was still in the room watching us. It was almost embarrassing. Kind of like being in college and having your roommate ignore the tie you left on the door knob and walked in at the wrong time. But Luke was embarrassed by it. Hell, he was busy scribbling in a notebook and muttering, ‘This is great stuff!’
“I won’t go over everything that happened afterwards, but get this. Luke’s going to write that screenplay we want! He’s going to put vampires in it, too, which makes sense considering his sister is one. It’s going to be about how alienated both groups are from normal society. I didn’t even have to give Luke ALPS to get him started! And I met a wonderful girl at the same time!
“I love it when a plan comes together!”
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Notes from the Annual Thanksgiving Meeting
Henry:
"Greetings, all, and welcome to a very special meeting of the Friends of Lon. For any who haven't heard, we'll be meeting with another support group, the Mexican-American Were-Jaguars Anonymous, at McCarthy Park across from the Rampant Loon world headquarters. I'm told Rampant Loon has some special surprise in store for all of us!Sean:
"Before we leave for the park, I thought it would be a appropriate for each of us to briefly tell the group what we're thankful for. So, who would like to go first?"
"Hey all, this is Sean the were-hyena. It's that time of year again, Thanksgiving. Most of the year I find little to laugh at but there is something about the fall season that I love. I don't know if it the leaves changing color, the longer nights, or the cooler temperatures which means that hobos don't smell as bad and as an added bonus I can usually eat off of one for a few days before they start to turn.Henry:
"Thanksgiving is all about giving thanks, so I thought I would share with my fellow WCA members some things I'm thankful for.
"I'm thankful for my wife and family. I'm thankful for my house. I'm sorta thankful for my job. I'm thankful for the crisp snap of a fresh kidney. I'm thankful that the Adkins fad is ending, I mean everyone knows the real flavor comes from proper marbling. Am I right or what? But most of all I'm thankful for all of you here at the WCA.
"Lon bless and have a great holiday season!"
"That was beautiful, Sean, just beautiful, and I'm sure we can all agree about the importance of proper marbling. Now, who wants to go next?"Shannon:
"Hello friends and fellow were-creatures.Henry:
"Let’s face it. The highlight of Thanksgiving is, and always will be, The Turkey. Who wouldn’t love it, I mean, it’s a holiday that revolves around the slaughter and consumption of a large bird! But for those with ALPS it can be such a depressing time of year. When Grandma calls everyone to the table and places the large, carcass-laden platter in front of Grandpa to carve, I always feel such a sense of let down. It just looks so dead! Aunt Molly oohs and aahs about the beautiful golden color on the thing and I have to pretend I’m excited too… but I’m really thinking how revolting it looks. People spend so much time worrying about not overcooking the turkey so the white meat doesn’t dry out, but they miss the fact that the whole thing’s way too dry if it isn’t still warm and filled with its own pulsating natural juices!
"But you can’t just go out and get your own turkey. Not a live one that you can really sink your teeth into. They have to monopolize the whole process. You have few options other than going to the grocery store and picking up this frozen hunk of dead meat wrapped in plastic. Disgusting.
"That’s why I’m so thrilled about this celebration with all of you who understand what it’s like to feel this way. And I’m so excited about the turkey drop! This year we all get to experience Thanksgiving the way, I feel, it was meant to be celebrated! And best of all, it’s in this controlled environment, so we know no innocent bystanders will be harmed. I think that’s what the “others” are really worried about when they control the holiday anyway. They’re just so blissfully ignorant.
"Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!"
"Thank you, Shannon. That was wonderful. I'm sure we all have childhood memories like that, of the disappointment of finding out that the turkey was already dead and we wouldn't even get to play with the ax. But I think someone here has been tipped off about the little surprise that's been planned for later, and I think maybe we should try to keep it a secret for those who haven't been clued in yet.Hank:
"Okay, who wants to go next?"
"Hi, this Hank the werewolf. Ever since the director suggested each of us get up and tell what we're thankful for, I've been trying to figure out what to say. The problem is that I'm not really thankful for my job. I'm not thankful about the whole situation with Larry the were-bully. And I'm really not thankful for the way us people with ALPS are feared and hated by the normals.Henry:
"But that got me thinking and I realized there are a bunch of things I am thankful for. I'm thankful I found this group. Meetings of the Friends of Lon are high points for me each week. I'm thankful for the friends I've made here. Like Lucrezia, who always brings a different point of view to our meetings. Then there's Miguel, who's going to help me deal with the whole Larry situation and who fixes my computer when I screw it up. And killercutie16 just because she seems to have such a wonderful zest for life. And all the rest of you I haven't gotten to know quite as well, yet.
"Oh yeah, and I'm thankful I got the crap kicked out of me by Summer Glau. Because then she gave me a kiss! Now if I could just find a good script writer to infect with ALPS...
"So, happy Thanksgiving, one and all! Here's hoping you don't have to chase your turkey, bite its head off, rip open its rib cage and feast on its still beating heart!"
"As usual, Hank, I have no idea what to say after listening to you. I'm sure we're all happy you've found friends here in the WCA. And I know I speak for everyone when I say we are all entertained whenever it's your turn to speak!Jim:
"Who's next?"
"Hey, uh, hi... [THUMP THUMP THUMP] is this thing on? Okay, sorry. Seems fine.Henry:
"Uh, well. Okay. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.
"I have to say, this last year has been, uh, a little tough for me. So, I guess I have to first of all say that I'm thankful for you guys. I'm really amazed by the way I poured my heart out to you, and I wasn't ejected from the group or treated like a freak.
"Most of you know about my, uh, sexual urges. Sorry to all the were-cougar group... I probably shouldn't get into it. But, I have to say, that my tendency to be attracted to dogs and wolves and stuff hasn't kept me from a meaningful relationship with my wife, who's, uh, human, not a dog.
"And seriously, STOP staring at me like that. You in the front row, with the Devo shirt. Stop it!
"Freak.
"Okay, so, anyhow. All that to say, I'm really really thankful for my wife... she's stood by me even through my struggle... even that time at the Bark Park where I saw this smokin' hot doberman an...
"Sorry. Don't look at me like that, people! And Devo Boy - SHRIVEL UP!
"Where was I? Oh yeah. I'm thankful for my wife. She's actually here tonight, for the first time... she doesn't have ALPS, but she came to support me...
"Uh, hon? Anyone see her? Row three... okay, maybe she's in the bathroom or something?
"Paging Carol... paging Carol... okay, fine then! Whatever.
"Happy thanksgiving, folks."
"Okay. I think Jim's words more than speak for themselves.Mike:
So, moving right along, who wants to go next?"
"Hi all. I'm Mike. Maybe you remember when I told the real story behind Little Red Riding Hood? I haven't gotten up to speak since then, just been lending an ear and my support to everyone. But since everyone else is speaking, I thought I ought to, as well.Henry:
"I'm thankful I'm not having any problems dealing with ALPS. No problems I can't handle, anyway. And I'm thankful all of you gave such good feedback after I spoke about my ancestor, Peter Stumpp. I'm thankful all of you could understand and appreciate the problems my long ago ancestor faced.
"I'm also thankful I've learned so much about research while investigating my genealogy. After reading about Peter, I started wondering if any other folk tales and legends might actually be about werewolves, or at least people with ALPS. So I expanded my research and am tracking down a bunch of different stories and legends that are probably werewolf related. So I'm also thankful I'll have an appreciative audience when I present those stories, too.
"Happy Thanksgiving!"
"I don't know about the rest of the group, but I'm looking forward to your next presentation. I certainly enjoyed your more adult version of Little Red Riding Hood, particularly the whole carnal urges bit!Bill and Sharon:
"Have we got anyone else who wants to speak?"
Henry:
(An older middle-aged couple step forward together, holding hands.)
"Hello friends, I'm Bill!"
"And I'm Sharon!"
"So... Sharon... want me to do this?"
"No, Bill... I don't mind sharing."
"Go for it, babe."
(He kisses her on the cheek... the audience "aahs" their approval. She steps in front of the podium.)
"Hello all! A lot of nice things have been said tonight. And, I know you've heard our story before... how we met, fell in love, ate some cops and lived happily ever after.
"Well, it really wasn't all roses and champagne. I have to say, we felt really bad after the cop incident. I had indigestion for a week!"
(laughter from audience)
"Bill and I are a little further along in our lives than many of you. Back when we got ALPS, hardly anyone knew what to do with it. Now we have support groups, and muzzle locks, and all kinds of things that make life a little easier.
"But most of all, we have each other. We don't have to feel alone. I mean golly, girls! Remember how tough it used to be to find a good lycanthrope boy? Almost impossible!
"Bill and I feel strongly that knowledge is power. Awareness has been raised, even though we have a lot further to go. That's why I'm thankful for the many people that care about ALPS, care about how we feel, and allow some of our little foibles to be overlooked.
"Have a howling good Thanksgiving, fellow were-creatures!"
(They both step forward together and throw their heads back.)
"AROOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"That's so touching. I'm sure the rest of all wish we could as fortunate as you two. I know I'd love to meet that special woman with ALPS like Bill did!Miguel
"Anyone else want to speak?"
"Hi boys and girls... with fangs!Henry:
"So... as most of you know, I just joined this alpo group... oh geez, sorry, uh... ALPS group a little while ago, thanks to my friend Hank, and I want to say how much I really appreciate your acceptance.
"I suppose since I'm a second generation immigrant to this great nation, I should say something about how I'm "thankful to be in America, the land of the free." Well, I am grateful for that, I guess. Though seriously, it's not as free as we think it is. Man, you gotta like get a license to do ANYTHING here. It's like, every little thing requires a paid form and a permission slip. What's up with that?
(silence)
"Okay, well... guess that was off-topic. Sorry. Anyhow, I have to say, I'm thankful for the fact that I finally get to be just who I am. I'm like a minority among minorities here, and you guys are all so friendly and nice. You didn't get on my case about my past, or treat me like I'm second class or anything. I appreciate that a ton. It's like were-Martin were-Luther were-King were-Jr. said, uh, "ask not what you can do for your country..." Never mind, I can't remember what he said. Just that it was something good about equality.
"All right... peace out. If anyone needs some computer work done, give me a ring."
"Thanks, Miguel. We're glad you found us. And the WCA membership secretary wanted me to tell you she really appreciates you getting her computer fixed. He knows his stuff, folks!
"Is there anybody else who wants to speak? Anybody?
"Lucrezia? How about it? Don't shake your head. Come on, you'll be- yipe!
"O-o-o-okay. Lucrezia doesn't want to speak right now. Anyone else?
"No? Okay, then let's head over to the park and join the Mexican-American Were-Jaguars Anonymous group and find out about Rampant Loon's big Thanksgiving surprise!"
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Werechat II: The Plan
Hank: Miguel? You there?
Miguel: hey man
Hank: What did you think of the group meeting? Going to come back to the next one?
Miguel: maybe
Hank: Only maybe? Why?
Miguel: well... i'm a bit afraid of possible consequences
Miguel: i really spilled it, you know
Hank: Dude, you were nothing compared to what some people spilled!
Miguel: oh yeah?
Hank: One guy's got this thing for dogs now!
Hank: In a perverted way
Miguel: oh geez. like all dogs? or just cute ones?
Miguel: j/k
Hank: I don't think he cares.
Miguel: why would anyone share something like that?
Hank: And one guy told about how he and his fiance ripped apart a couple of mean deputies.
Miguel: dude!!!
Miguel: copkillers!
Hank: People like us have to let this stuff out!
Hank: Nah, the cops were being total dicks.
Miguel: maybe it would be better to keep it all in
Miguel: ah, thats normal
Miguel: for cops
Hank: And let it fester and and then you get even worse. It's a psycological fact!
Miguel: well... i dont know about that. but there is one reason to go back, i guess. maybe
Hank: You've got to have what the shrinks call an outlet or you'll go crazy!
Miguel: okay
Hank: Oh ho! And who is the one reason to go back?
Miguel: not you, of course
Hank: Better not be!
Miguel: but... that lady
Miguel: lucy?
Hank: Lucrezia?
Miguel: a longer name... starts w - yes! that's it
Miguel: kind of scary
Hank: Yeah, she's hot, isn't she?
Miguel: hot and scary, had nice clogs on, i notiecd
Hank: You got a thing about feet?
Miguel: no
Hank: Uh huh.
Miguel: i said no... just drop it
Hank: Ok. Dropping it. Geez!
Miguel: so... change subject... why do you care if i go back?
Miguel: really worried about my mental helth?
Hank: Sure.
Miguel: right
Hank: It looks bad for all of us if one of us goes crazy.
Miguel: you probably want to corner me and talk about spyware problems your having
Hank: Nope. You had me setup that scanner thing and it's doing okay.
Miguel: hard to mess up.
Hank: This is more about bullies and stuff. Like what you ran into as a kid. I had trouble with bullies, too.
Miguel: so... you dont want a rough alpo, then?
Miguel: *rogue
Miguel: okay
Hank: Dude, I TOLD you to STOP with the alpo bit!
Miguel: sorry lol
Hank: So anyway, I first found out I had ALPS when this kid was bullying me back in seventh grade.
Miguel: that sucks
Hank: His name was Larry and he had his own little gang.
Hank: Yeah, it did.
Miguel: tough guys always have their "little gangs"
Miguel: not so tough alone
Hank: Larry and his gang were trying to beat the crap out of me when I transformed for the first time.
Hank: I wouldn't know about that.
Miguel: and whipped them???
Hank: Worse, I bit them but didn't kill them.
Miguel: so you gave them alps?
Hank: Yeah. And Larry was the alpha.
Miguel: serves them right
Miguel: what did he get then?
Miguel: badger?
Hank: They were all werewolves like me.
Hank: But since Larry was alpha, I had to join his stupid pack.
Miguel: oh! thats right - my bad
Miguel: werewolf strain
Miguel: no you didn't!
Hank: And he made my life a living Hell until I got away by going across the country to college.
Miguel: lone wolf hank
Hank: Not as easy as you think, dude. Particularly when you've got seven or eight other wolves forcing you into the pack.
Miguel: you must have it bad. sometimes i hear the calls... but i can usually lock myself inside
Miguel: dont tell anyone
Hank: Larry's the guy I'd like to shoot with a dart gun filled with ALPS cure.
Miguel: then what... tear open his ribcage???
Hank: Oh yeah.
Miguel: geez
Hank: Or maybe just scare the crap out of him once he sees I'm in charge?
Miguel: thats better
Miguel: killing on acident is one thing. purpose is another
Hank: But the cure isn't out there yet so I've got another plan.
Miguel: go for it
Hank: Larry still runs his little gang down in South Carolina. That's where I grew up.
Miguel: okay
Hank: I figure I just need to show up with my own gang. A gang of good weres to take on Larry and his pack.
Miguel: like a micheal jackson video!
Hank: Probalby not.
Miguel: arooooooo!
Hank: I can't dance worth a darn.
Miguel: oh
Miguel: me either
Hank: Problem is I can't get anyone else in the group to join my gang of good guys.
Miguel: there probably thinking the same thing as me
Miguel: bad idea
Miguel: not worth it
Hank: I was hoping you'd join and others would follow.
Hank: What's wrong with the idea?
Miguel: why would i want to join?
Miguel: what about getting arrested???
Hank: Nah. Nobody likes Larry back at home. The cops would be glad he got his butt whupped.
Hank: Trust me.
Miguel: okay. but who would want to help? i dont have a gruge!
Hank: We're a support group! Don't you think you should support me in my hour of need?
Hank: I'd do the same for you!
Hank: Really.
Hank: I would.
Miguel: i appreciate it... but
Hank: But?
Miguel: not much for fighting
Hank: Ah, man. I'm never going to get my gang...
Miguel: well..
Hank: Yeah?
Miguel: promise me you wont go alone
Miguel: sounds dangerous
Hank: I never go home for that reason. My family comes up here to visit me, instead.
Miguel: thats just sad
Hank: I had to sneak out of town just to go to college.
Hank: So you won't join me gang of good weres?
Miguel: what if you beat him? will the others follow?
Hank: Sure. If you beat the alpha you become the alpha.
Miguel: you just need to beat him then
Miguel: alone
Hank: I don't know... I never could before and I bet he's still as mean and strong and stupid as ever!
Miguel: you need a delilah
Hank: A what?
Miguel: delilah. chick in the good book
Miguel: tricked samson
Miguel: made him weak and the enemies got him
Hank: I don't know what a chick could cut off of him that would let me kick his butt, though.
Miguel: i just think you need a trap, not a gang
Miguel: why am i helping you!!!
Hank: Cause you're my friend?
Miguel: your just sad
Hank: A trap. Hm...
Miguel: yes, im your friend
Miguel: ha ha ha hA HA HAHA!
Hank: I got to think on the trap idea for a while.
Miguel: i got it for you
Miguel: hence that laughter
Hank: Yeah?
Miguel: im delilah
Miguel: hee hee hee
Hank: You're not a cross dresser are you?
Miguel: no
Miguel: but on the net you can be anything
Hank: Oh!
Miguel: get my idea?
Hank: Yeah! Assuming Larry's smart enough to even use a computer.
Miguel: probably... not everyone has your problems.
Miguel: j/k
Hank: So you'll set up a rendezvous with him to lure him away from his pack then I kick his butt from an ambush?
Miguel: it could work
Miguel: i dont know if i want to be involved but it is a very fun idea
Hank: Yeah, it just might.
Miguel: listen... if you offer me something really good, ill help you
Hank: Glad you didn't suggest using Lucrezia as the Delilah cause she'd probably rip open both our rib cages!
Miguel: im low on work.
Miguel: ha ha ha ha ha
Miguel: i dont want her falling for anyone
Hank: What kind of work do you usually do?
Miguel: other than computers... sometimes fix other sutff
Hank: She wouldn't fall for Larry. She's got to have better taste than that!
Hank: Cars?
Miguel: girls like bad guys
Miguel: sure
Miguel: cars are easy
Hank: Yeah, but girls don't like morons.
Hank: At least smart girls don't.
Miguel: not good at chips and stuff, but classics are a breeze
Miguel: sometimes they dont realize until its too late
Hank: OK, let me check with my boss at the used car lot tomorrow. He's always moaning and groaning about the cost of fixing up some of the cars we get.
Miguel: okay
Miguel: get me a regular job and ill set the bait
Miguel: but i dont want to fight
Miguel: seriously
Hank: Deal.
Miguel: deal
Hank: I'll call you tomorrow once I talk to the boss.
Miguel: sounds fine. think lucrazia will be at the next meeting?
Hank: She never misses.
Miguel: cool. better go... ill see you then
Hank: OK. Cya
Miguel: later
Miguel: hey man
Hank: What did you think of the group meeting? Going to come back to the next one?
Miguel: maybe
Hank: Only maybe? Why?
Miguel: well... i'm a bit afraid of possible consequences
Miguel: i really spilled it, you know
Hank: Dude, you were nothing compared to what some people spilled!
Miguel: oh yeah?
Hank: One guy's got this thing for dogs now!
Hank: In a perverted way
Miguel: oh geez. like all dogs? or just cute ones?
Miguel: j/k
Hank: I don't think he cares.
Miguel: why would anyone share something like that?
Hank: And one guy told about how he and his fiance ripped apart a couple of mean deputies.
Miguel: dude!!!
Miguel: copkillers!
Hank: People like us have to let this stuff out!
Hank: Nah, the cops were being total dicks.
Miguel: maybe it would be better to keep it all in
Miguel: ah, thats normal
Miguel: for cops
Hank: And let it fester and and then you get even worse. It's a psycological fact!
Miguel: well... i dont know about that. but there is one reason to go back, i guess. maybe
Hank: You've got to have what the shrinks call an outlet or you'll go crazy!
Miguel: okay
Hank: Oh ho! And who is the one reason to go back?
Miguel: not you, of course
Hank: Better not be!
Miguel: but... that lady
Miguel: lucy?
Hank: Lucrezia?
Miguel: a longer name... starts w - yes! that's it
Miguel: kind of scary
Hank: Yeah, she's hot, isn't she?
Miguel: hot and scary, had nice clogs on, i notiecd
Hank: You got a thing about feet?
Miguel: no
Hank: Uh huh.
Miguel: i said no... just drop it
Hank: Ok. Dropping it. Geez!
Miguel: so... change subject... why do you care if i go back?
Miguel: really worried about my mental helth?
Hank: Sure.
Miguel: right
Hank: It looks bad for all of us if one of us goes crazy.
Miguel: you probably want to corner me and talk about spyware problems your having
Hank: Nope. You had me setup that scanner thing and it's doing okay.
Miguel: hard to mess up.
Hank: This is more about bullies and stuff. Like what you ran into as a kid. I had trouble with bullies, too.
Miguel: so... you dont want a rough alpo, then?
Miguel: *rogue
Miguel: okay
Hank: Dude, I TOLD you to STOP with the alpo bit!
Miguel: sorry lol
Hank: So anyway, I first found out I had ALPS when this kid was bullying me back in seventh grade.
Miguel: that sucks
Hank: His name was Larry and he had his own little gang.
Hank: Yeah, it did.
Miguel: tough guys always have their "little gangs"
Miguel: not so tough alone
Hank: Larry and his gang were trying to beat the crap out of me when I transformed for the first time.
Hank: I wouldn't know about that.
Miguel: and whipped them???
Hank: Worse, I bit them but didn't kill them.
Miguel: so you gave them alps?
Hank: Yeah. And Larry was the alpha.
Miguel: serves them right
Miguel: what did he get then?
Miguel: badger?
Hank: They were all werewolves like me.
Hank: But since Larry was alpha, I had to join his stupid pack.
Miguel: oh! thats right - my bad
Miguel: werewolf strain
Miguel: no you didn't!
Hank: And he made my life a living Hell until I got away by going across the country to college.
Miguel: lone wolf hank
Hank: Not as easy as you think, dude. Particularly when you've got seven or eight other wolves forcing you into the pack.
Miguel: you must have it bad. sometimes i hear the calls... but i can usually lock myself inside
Miguel: dont tell anyone
Hank: Larry's the guy I'd like to shoot with a dart gun filled with ALPS cure.
Miguel: then what... tear open his ribcage???
Hank: Oh yeah.
Miguel: geez
Hank: Or maybe just scare the crap out of him once he sees I'm in charge?
Miguel: thats better
Miguel: killing on acident is one thing. purpose is another
Hank: But the cure isn't out there yet so I've got another plan.
Miguel: go for it
Hank: Larry still runs his little gang down in South Carolina. That's where I grew up.
Miguel: okay
Hank: I figure I just need to show up with my own gang. A gang of good weres to take on Larry and his pack.
Miguel: like a micheal jackson video!
Hank: Probalby not.
Miguel: arooooooo!
Hank: I can't dance worth a darn.
Miguel: oh
Miguel: me either
Hank: Problem is I can't get anyone else in the group to join my gang of good guys.
Miguel: there probably thinking the same thing as me
Miguel: bad idea
Miguel: not worth it
Hank: I was hoping you'd join and others would follow.
Hank: What's wrong with the idea?
Miguel: why would i want to join?
Miguel: what about getting arrested???
Hank: Nah. Nobody likes Larry back at home. The cops would be glad he got his butt whupped.
Hank: Trust me.
Miguel: okay. but who would want to help? i dont have a gruge!
Hank: We're a support group! Don't you think you should support me in my hour of need?
Hank: I'd do the same for you!
Hank: Really.
Hank: I would.
Miguel: i appreciate it... but
Hank: But?
Miguel: not much for fighting
Hank: Ah, man. I'm never going to get my gang...
Miguel: well..
Hank: Yeah?
Miguel: promise me you wont go alone
Miguel: sounds dangerous
Hank: I never go home for that reason. My family comes up here to visit me, instead.
Miguel: thats just sad
Hank: I had to sneak out of town just to go to college.
Hank: So you won't join me gang of good weres?
Miguel: what if you beat him? will the others follow?
Hank: Sure. If you beat the alpha you become the alpha.
Miguel: you just need to beat him then
Miguel: alone
Hank: I don't know... I never could before and I bet he's still as mean and strong and stupid as ever!
Miguel: you need a delilah
Hank: A what?
Miguel: delilah. chick in the good book
Miguel: tricked samson
Miguel: made him weak and the enemies got him
Hank: I don't know what a chick could cut off of him that would let me kick his butt, though.
Miguel: i just think you need a trap, not a gang
Miguel: why am i helping you!!!
Hank: Cause you're my friend?
Miguel: your just sad
Hank: A trap. Hm...
Miguel: yes, im your friend
Miguel: ha ha ha hA HA HAHA!
Hank: I got to think on the trap idea for a while.
Miguel: i got it for you
Miguel: hence that laughter
Hank: Yeah?
Miguel: im delilah
Miguel: hee hee hee
Hank: You're not a cross dresser are you?
Miguel: no
Miguel: but on the net you can be anything
Hank: Oh!
Miguel: get my idea?
Hank: Yeah! Assuming Larry's smart enough to even use a computer.
Miguel: probably... not everyone has your problems.
Miguel: j/k
Hank: So you'll set up a rendezvous with him to lure him away from his pack then I kick his butt from an ambush?
Miguel: it could work
Miguel: i dont know if i want to be involved but it is a very fun idea
Hank: Yeah, it just might.
Miguel: listen... if you offer me something really good, ill help you
Hank: Glad you didn't suggest using Lucrezia as the Delilah cause she'd probably rip open both our rib cages!
Miguel: im low on work.
Miguel: ha ha ha ha ha
Miguel: i dont want her falling for anyone
Hank: What kind of work do you usually do?
Miguel: other than computers... sometimes fix other sutff
Hank: She wouldn't fall for Larry. She's got to have better taste than that!
Hank: Cars?
Miguel: girls like bad guys
Miguel: sure
Miguel: cars are easy
Hank: Yeah, but girls don't like morons.
Hank: At least smart girls don't.
Miguel: not good at chips and stuff, but classics are a breeze
Miguel: sometimes they dont realize until its too late
Hank: OK, let me check with my boss at the used car lot tomorrow. He's always moaning and groaning about the cost of fixing up some of the cars we get.
Miguel: okay
Miguel: get me a regular job and ill set the bait
Miguel: but i dont want to fight
Miguel: seriously
Hank: Deal.
Miguel: deal
Hank: I'll call you tomorrow once I talk to the boss.
Miguel: sounds fine. think lucrazia will be at the next meeting?
Hank: She never misses.
Miguel: cool. better go... ill see you then
Hank: OK. Cya
Miguel: later
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Miguel's Tale
Hi, my name is Miguel, and I’m an alcoholic.
(EVERYONE: Whaaa…?)
Just kidding. I’m actually a were-wolf.
(Sighs of relief.)
Yeah, so… I don’t know why I’m here, so… uh… what am I supposed to do next?
(HANK: Tell your story!)
Ah yeah, makes sense. Thanks, Hank. So, okay… I guess I'm a were-wolf. Been that way for maybe ten years. I think I got ALPS from another kid I used to skateboard with. We got in a fight over who had the better moves… and he suddenly went all animalistic and bit me. Of course, I had broken his board first, so it was probably justified. But I didn’t know what I’d gotten into until a couple of weeks later.
See, I came from Texas before I moved here unexpectedly. Always a little bit of funky race relations issues there, you know, between the natives and the immigrants. And even though I’m legal… hey, I’ve still got the Mexicano roots, so it’s an easy mistake. Anyhow, let’s just say I got tagged as something I’m not.
Normally, when I see trouble, I avoid it. I don’t care to fight. Live and let live, you know? But this time wasn’t good. I was walking home from high-school. On the way, there’s a rough neighborhood. One of those lower-middle-class mixed neighborhoods where a lot of punks are looking to fight. And I happened to be there.
There were probably eight kids. Two black guys and maybe six gringos. One of 'em yells “Hey wetback!” And I’m like… whatever. Sticks and stones. So I keep walking. And they’re like, “Yeah, you! Why aren’t you mowing a lawn or something?”
Still… whatever. I kept walking.
Then I got hit with a rock. Don’t know who threw it… but I just wanted to get home. I’m walking fast, but the kids aren’t going to let me go. No adults around… and nothing I can use as a weapon. Like anything would help much against all those kids. Most of them bigger than me. So… I look for an escape. Nothing. There’s a tall fence on one side, apartment wall on the other. The kids are on the other sidewalk, now walking across the street, yelling stupid stuff. I finally turn around. There’s not a good exit from this, so might as well get in some licks, you know? So, I’m like "Hey! Leave off! I’m just going home. Go kick a dog or something!"
Then the biggest one, this stupid-looking meathead, is like, “Maybe we’ll kick you.”
Which is, of course, what I figured they were going to do. So now they’re all around me in a circle, right… I know I can’t get away. So I’m like, “Why don’t you all just calm down. I didn’t do anything to you. And besides, this isn’t a fair fight! Eight to one?”
The one guy shoves me. I play cool, don’t hit back, thinking… man I don’t want a one-sided fight like this. Then another kid jumps on my back from behind – and the jerk that shoved me tries to kick me in the nuts.
And that’s when it happened.
Like lightning, I’ve snapped around and I got this kid’s neck in my teeth… and I clamp down and grind and then I feel his spine start to… uh… wait a second.
You know, I’ve probably said enough. Uh… I just got into the story, you know? I really didn’t, uh, bite anyone…
(AFFIRMATIONS FROM GROUP: It’s okay… we’ve all been there. You can go on… this is a tolerant group! No one’s going to turn you in!)
Yeah, well… I’m not proud of what I did… I don’t know if I want to glorify it.
(FEMALE VOICE: Getting your past out into the open is the first step to healing!)
I don’t know if I need to be healed.
(HANK: Just tell them your story, dammit! It was getting interesting.)
Okay, okay. So anyhow… I guess I sort of bit his head off. And was absolutely horrified by the fact I’d done that… and that it happened so naturally. Just like driving to a place you’d been a million times before. Autopilot.
I looked at the head on the ground, the horrified faces in a circle around me, felt the body slide off my back in slow motion… and then I saw my hands. They were like a dog’s paws.
I was a freakin’ werewolf! And I was suddenly mad as hell! It was like… all my judgment left me, and all that I had left was anger. Anger at being singled out… anger at getting jumped because I was different… anger at not having my dad around…
And so help me, I tore three more kids to pieces. I wolfed down their probably marijuana-laced punk flesh, enjoying every mouthful… until I started to come out of it. I was alone, with some dead kids on the ground. A couple of people were looking at me from their windows. And I was suddenly ill. I got up and ran like anything… ran home… crying... blood all over me…
By the time mi Abeula saw me, I was back to human, I guess. But I looked a mess.
I think she knew what I was. But if she did, she never said a word. She just packed me a lunch... and gave me the keys... and I left. I never had another incident quite like that… except for that time the cable guy… uh, never mind.
So… uh… that’s my story. I keep it stuffed, play it cool, avoid fighting. I also stay away from Texas. And mostly I just fix computers now. And hope to God I never get cornered and mad at the same time.
Okay, uh… is that it? Do I need to talk about my mother? No? Alright, cool. Peace out.
(EVERYONE: Whaaa…?)
Just kidding. I’m actually a were-wolf.
(Sighs of relief.)
Yeah, so… I don’t know why I’m here, so… uh… what am I supposed to do next?
(HANK: Tell your story!)
Ah yeah, makes sense. Thanks, Hank. So, okay… I guess I'm a were-wolf. Been that way for maybe ten years. I think I got ALPS from another kid I used to skateboard with. We got in a fight over who had the better moves… and he suddenly went all animalistic and bit me. Of course, I had broken his board first, so it was probably justified. But I didn’t know what I’d gotten into until a couple of weeks later.
See, I came from Texas before I moved here unexpectedly. Always a little bit of funky race relations issues there, you know, between the natives and the immigrants. And even though I’m legal… hey, I’ve still got the Mexicano roots, so it’s an easy mistake. Anyhow, let’s just say I got tagged as something I’m not.
Normally, when I see trouble, I avoid it. I don’t care to fight. Live and let live, you know? But this time wasn’t good. I was walking home from high-school. On the way, there’s a rough neighborhood. One of those lower-middle-class mixed neighborhoods where a lot of punks are looking to fight. And I happened to be there.
There were probably eight kids. Two black guys and maybe six gringos. One of 'em yells “Hey wetback!” And I’m like… whatever. Sticks and stones. So I keep walking. And they’re like, “Yeah, you! Why aren’t you mowing a lawn or something?”
Still… whatever. I kept walking.
Then I got hit with a rock. Don’t know who threw it… but I just wanted to get home. I’m walking fast, but the kids aren’t going to let me go. No adults around… and nothing I can use as a weapon. Like anything would help much against all those kids. Most of them bigger than me. So… I look for an escape. Nothing. There’s a tall fence on one side, apartment wall on the other. The kids are on the other sidewalk, now walking across the street, yelling stupid stuff. I finally turn around. There’s not a good exit from this, so might as well get in some licks, you know? So, I’m like "Hey! Leave off! I’m just going home. Go kick a dog or something!"
Then the biggest one, this stupid-looking meathead, is like, “Maybe we’ll kick you.”
Which is, of course, what I figured they were going to do. So now they’re all around me in a circle, right… I know I can’t get away. So I’m like, “Why don’t you all just calm down. I didn’t do anything to you. And besides, this isn’t a fair fight! Eight to one?”
The one guy shoves me. I play cool, don’t hit back, thinking… man I don’t want a one-sided fight like this. Then another kid jumps on my back from behind – and the jerk that shoved me tries to kick me in the nuts.
And that’s when it happened.
Like lightning, I’ve snapped around and I got this kid’s neck in my teeth… and I clamp down and grind and then I feel his spine start to… uh… wait a second.
You know, I’ve probably said enough. Uh… I just got into the story, you know? I really didn’t, uh, bite anyone…
(AFFIRMATIONS FROM GROUP: It’s okay… we’ve all been there. You can go on… this is a tolerant group! No one’s going to turn you in!)
Yeah, well… I’m not proud of what I did… I don’t know if I want to glorify it.
(FEMALE VOICE: Getting your past out into the open is the first step to healing!)
I don’t know if I need to be healed.
(HANK: Just tell them your story, dammit! It was getting interesting.)
Okay, okay. So anyhow… I guess I sort of bit his head off. And was absolutely horrified by the fact I’d done that… and that it happened so naturally. Just like driving to a place you’d been a million times before. Autopilot.
I looked at the head on the ground, the horrified faces in a circle around me, felt the body slide off my back in slow motion… and then I saw my hands. They were like a dog’s paws.
I was a freakin’ werewolf! And I was suddenly mad as hell! It was like… all my judgment left me, and all that I had left was anger. Anger at being singled out… anger at getting jumped because I was different… anger at not having my dad around…
And so help me, I tore three more kids to pieces. I wolfed down their probably marijuana-laced punk flesh, enjoying every mouthful… until I started to come out of it. I was alone, with some dead kids on the ground. A couple of people were looking at me from their windows. And I was suddenly ill. I got up and ran like anything… ran home… crying... blood all over me…
By the time mi Abeula saw me, I was back to human, I guess. But I looked a mess.
I think she knew what I was. But if she did, she never said a word. She just packed me a lunch... and gave me the keys... and I left. I never had another incident quite like that… except for that time the cable guy… uh, never mind.
So… uh… that’s my story. I keep it stuffed, play it cool, avoid fighting. I also stay away from Texas. And mostly I just fix computers now. And hope to God I never get cornered and mad at the same time.
Okay, uh… is that it? Do I need to talk about my mother? No? Alright, cool. Peace out.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Werechat: The Recruit
Miguel: so... why did you write me? laptop in the pool again?
Hank: No. And I didn't throw it in the pool. It slipped!
Miguel: whatever
Hank: Anyway, I think I've a virus thing.
Miguel: okay... and you need it fixed... and youre probably not going to pay right away, right?
Hank: I can pay you on Tuesday. Or maybe I can do something for you in exchange?
Miguel: like mow my lawn lol
Miguel: hmm
Miguel: actually... there is something, maybe
Hank: Yeah? I'd love to help you out if I can!
Hank: I mean "love" like in "really like to a lot" not like, sex love.
Miguel: im not sure youre the right guy, but you sell cars, yeah?
Miguel: ha... better not be
Hank: Yeah, I sell cars. You looking, cause I can set you up with something nice!
Miguel: not me
Hank: Oh. Who?
Miguel: angel... you maybe met him once... friend
Hank: Angel? Is that the blond with the big ti- chest?
Miguel: no
Miguel: that was my mother
Miguel: shes available too
Hank: No. I'm sure I'm thinking about someone else.
Miguel: yeah... this is a guy.
Hank: A guy? At least he'll know something about cars, right?
Hank: The chicks never do.
Miguel: of course. he used to fix them up for a while. tired of beaters now.
Miguel: no... girls never know them
Hank: What's he looking for? Late model pre-owned? New? American? Import? Sporty? Family car?
Miguel: anything that doesn't look like an alpo rig
Miguel: no mad max stuff
Hank: What's that supposed to mean?
Miguel: you never saw that movie
Miguel: ?
Hank: Mad Max? Yeah. I meant the other bit. Alpo rig.
Miguel: oh you know... no hairy freak road warriors
Miguel: aroooooo!
Hank: You know what? Maybe I don't need your help after all. There's a guy that works at the Starbucks who says he's good with computers. Maybe I'll call him.
Miguel: whys that?
Hank: I don't think your lame ass "joke" was funny. ALPS isn't a joke, Miguel.
Miguel: lighten up dude
Miguel: i could make fun of your paleness
Miguel: wait a sec...
Hank: That would be a lot better than sniping on people just cause they have a disease!
Miguel: you got that thing???
Hank: What if I do? You sure wouldn't know it unless I went all "hairy freak" on you, ripped off your head and feasted on your still beating heart!
Miguel: ha ha ha, your crazy, man
Miguel: you can control it better than that, right?
Hank: Yeah. Crazy like a wolf.
Miguel: i mean... its not that bad all the time
Hank: Have I ever ripped off your head or eaten your still beating heart?
Miguel: come on, you're kidding me about having it
Hank: Yeah, sure. I'm kidding.
Hank: Or not.
Hank: How would you know?
Miguel: i got a friend maybe?
Hank: Yeah, who wants to buy a car.
Miguel: just tell me if you have it
Hank: Why? So you can yell "Alpo" and "aroooo" at me next time you see me?
Miguel: no man im not like that
Miguel: i just make jokes sometimes
Miguel: easier that way
Hank: Easier than what?
Miguel: i dont know
Hank: Hey, are you saying you've got ALPS too?
Miguel: only if you have it
Miguel: if not then no
Hank: Geez, is this fifth grade again?
Miguel: this conversation is too weird for me
Hank: Okay, yes, I have ALPS. Are you satisfied? Now you know enough to ruin me in this city.
Miguel: YES I HAVE IT
Miguel: okay now we're even
Hank: And you're trying to hide it and are ashamed of it, right?
Miguel: shouldnt I be???
Hank: Hell no!
Miguel: its like having aids that bites people.
Hank: You're one of God's creatures, just as much as the next guy!
Miguel: if the next guy was a freak
Hank: You need some help with your self esteem, man.
Hank: And I know just the place to get it!
Miguel: i dont do drugs
Hank: Not drugs. No drugs. We've got this group that meets once a week to help us all come to terms with our ALPS.
Miguel: sounds a little gay
Miguel: or.. maybe i shouldn't say that
Miguel: are you gay too?
Hank: No. I like girls a lot.
Miguel: good. but a group therapy thing sounds gay
Hank: No, it's not group therapy. It's a chance to tell others what you've gone through, see that they've gone through the same thing and we have a kick ass social afterwards.
Hank: There are plenty of women, too!
Miguel: okay
Miguel: alpo girls?
Hank: Okay, youve' got to stop using "alpo."
Miguel: why?
Hank: It's like the "n" word to us.
Miguel: not to me...
Miguel: im a wetback alpo. lol
Hank: If you want to fit in with the group, you're going to have to stop using the term. If nothing else, it will piss off all the women.
Miguel: okay... id do it for the ladies. ha ha
Hank: Good man.
Miguel: but not for you
Miguel: so...
Miguel: about that car...
Hank: Oh, another good thing about the group is that members are always willing to give an alibi if you do end up devouring someone.
Hank: Oh, yeah, the car.
Miguel: okay.... i dont devour anyone anymore...
Miguel: i mean ever
Miguel: never did that ever
Hank: Right...
Hank: No. And I didn't throw it in the pool. It slipped!
Miguel: whatever
Hank: Anyway, I think I've a virus thing.
Miguel: okay... and you need it fixed... and youre probably not going to pay right away, right?
Hank: I can pay you on Tuesday. Or maybe I can do something for you in exchange?
Miguel: like mow my lawn lol
Miguel: hmm
Miguel: actually... there is something, maybe
Hank: Yeah? I'd love to help you out if I can!
Hank: I mean "love" like in "really like to a lot" not like, sex love.
Miguel: im not sure youre the right guy, but you sell cars, yeah?
Miguel: ha... better not be
Hank: Yeah, I sell cars. You looking, cause I can set you up with something nice!
Miguel: not me
Hank: Oh. Who?
Miguel: angel... you maybe met him once... friend
Hank: Angel? Is that the blond with the big ti- chest?
Miguel: no
Miguel: that was my mother
Miguel: shes available too
Hank: No. I'm sure I'm thinking about someone else.
Miguel: yeah... this is a guy.
Hank: A guy? At least he'll know something about cars, right?
Hank: The chicks never do.
Miguel: of course. he used to fix them up for a while. tired of beaters now.
Miguel: no... girls never know them
Hank: What's he looking for? Late model pre-owned? New? American? Import? Sporty? Family car?
Miguel: anything that doesn't look like an alpo rig
Miguel: no mad max stuff
Hank: What's that supposed to mean?
Miguel: you never saw that movie
Miguel: ?
Hank: Mad Max? Yeah. I meant the other bit. Alpo rig.
Miguel: oh you know... no hairy freak road warriors
Miguel: aroooooo!
Hank: You know what? Maybe I don't need your help after all. There's a guy that works at the Starbucks who says he's good with computers. Maybe I'll call him.
Miguel: whys that?
Hank: I don't think your lame ass "joke" was funny. ALPS isn't a joke, Miguel.
Miguel: lighten up dude
Miguel: i could make fun of your paleness
Miguel: wait a sec...
Hank: That would be a lot better than sniping on people just cause they have a disease!
Miguel: you got that thing???
Hank: What if I do? You sure wouldn't know it unless I went all "hairy freak" on you, ripped off your head and feasted on your still beating heart!
Miguel: ha ha ha, your crazy, man
Miguel: you can control it better than that, right?
Hank: Yeah. Crazy like a wolf.
Miguel: i mean... its not that bad all the time
Hank: Have I ever ripped off your head or eaten your still beating heart?
Miguel: come on, you're kidding me about having it
Hank: Yeah, sure. I'm kidding.
Hank: Or not.
Hank: How would you know?
Miguel: i got a friend maybe?
Hank: Yeah, who wants to buy a car.
Miguel: just tell me if you have it
Hank: Why? So you can yell "Alpo" and "aroooo" at me next time you see me?
Miguel: no man im not like that
Miguel: i just make jokes sometimes
Miguel: easier that way
Hank: Easier than what?
Miguel: i dont know
Hank: Hey, are you saying you've got ALPS too?
Miguel: only if you have it
Miguel: if not then no
Hank: Geez, is this fifth grade again?
Miguel: this conversation is too weird for me
Hank: Okay, yes, I have ALPS. Are you satisfied? Now you know enough to ruin me in this city.
Miguel: YES I HAVE IT
Miguel: okay now we're even
Hank: And you're trying to hide it and are ashamed of it, right?
Miguel: shouldnt I be???
Hank: Hell no!
Miguel: its like having aids that bites people.
Hank: You're one of God's creatures, just as much as the next guy!
Miguel: if the next guy was a freak
Hank: You need some help with your self esteem, man.
Hank: And I know just the place to get it!
Miguel: i dont do drugs
Hank: Not drugs. No drugs. We've got this group that meets once a week to help us all come to terms with our ALPS.
Miguel: sounds a little gay
Miguel: or.. maybe i shouldn't say that
Miguel: are you gay too?
Hank: No. I like girls a lot.
Miguel: good. but a group therapy thing sounds gay
Hank: No, it's not group therapy. It's a chance to tell others what you've gone through, see that they've gone through the same thing and we have a kick ass social afterwards.
Hank: There are plenty of women, too!
Miguel: okay
Miguel: alpo girls?
Hank: Okay, youve' got to stop using "alpo."
Miguel: why?
Hank: It's like the "n" word to us.
Miguel: not to me...
Miguel: im a wetback alpo. lol
Hank: If you want to fit in with the group, you're going to have to stop using the term. If nothing else, it will piss off all the women.
Miguel: okay... id do it for the ladies. ha ha
Hank: Good man.
Miguel: but not for you
Miguel: so...
Miguel: about that car...
Hank: Oh, another good thing about the group is that members are always willing to give an alibi if you do end up devouring someone.
Hank: Oh, yeah, the car.
Miguel: okay.... i dont devour anyone anymore...
Miguel: i mean ever
Miguel: never did that ever
Hank: Right...
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