Rampant Loon's Turkey Surprise!

The following was a live broadcast by WWSL's own Les Nesman, reporting from McCarthy Park:

Notes from the Annual Thanksgiving Meeting

Henry:

"Greetings, all, and welcome to a very special meeting of the Friends of Lon. For any who haven't heard, we'll be meeting with another support group, the Mexican-American Were-Jaguars Anonymous, at McCarthy Park across from the Rampant Loon world headquarters. I'm told Rampant Loon has some special surprise in store for all of us!

"Before we leave for the park, I thought it would be a appropriate for each of us to briefly tell the group what we're thankful for. So, who would like to go first?"

Sean:

"Hey all, this is Sean the were-hyena. It's that time of year again, Thanksgiving. Most of the year I find little to laugh at but there is something about the fall season that I love. I don't know if it the leaves changing color, the longer nights, or the cooler temperatures which means that hobos don't smell as bad and as an added bonus I can usually eat off of one for a few days before they start to turn.

"Thanksgiving is all about giving thanks, so I thought I would share with my fellow WCA members some things I'm thankful for.

"I'm thankful for my wife and family. I'm thankful for my house. I'm sorta thankful for my job. I'm thankful for the crisp snap of a fresh kidney. I'm thankful that the Adkins fad is ending, I mean everyone knows the real flavor comes from proper marbling. Am I right or what? But most of all I'm thankful for all of you here at the WCA.

"Lon bless and have a great holiday season!"

Henry:

"That was beautiful, Sean, just beautiful, and I'm sure we can all agree about the importance of proper marbling. Now, who wants to go next?"

Shannon:

"Hello friends and fellow were-creatures.

"Let’s face it. The highlight of Thanksgiving is, and always will be, The Turkey. Who wouldn’t love it, I mean, it’s a holiday that revolves around the slaughter and consumption of a large bird! But for those with ALPS it can be such a depressing time of year. When Grandma calls everyone to the table and places the large, carcass-laden platter in front of Grandpa to carve, I always feel such a sense of let down. It just looks so dead! Aunt Molly oohs and aahs about the beautiful golden color on the thing and I have to pretend I’m excited too… but I’m really thinking how revolting it looks. People spend so much time worrying about not overcooking the turkey so the white meat doesn’t dry out, but they miss the fact that the whole thing’s way too dry if it isn’t still warm and filled with its own pulsating natural juices!

"But you can’t just go out and get your own turkey. Not a live one that you can really sink your teeth into. They have to monopolize the whole process. You have few options other than going to the grocery store and picking up this frozen hunk of dead meat wrapped in plastic. Disgusting.

"That’s why I’m so thrilled about this celebration with all of you who understand what it’s like to feel this way. And I’m so excited about the turkey drop! This year we all get to experience Thanksgiving the way, I feel, it was meant to be celebrated! And best of all, it’s in this controlled environment, so we know no innocent bystanders will be harmed. I think that’s what the “others” are really worried about when they control the holiday anyway. They’re just so blissfully ignorant.

"Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!"

Henry:

"Thank you, Shannon. That was wonderful. I'm sure we all have childhood memories like that, of the disappointment of finding out that the turkey was already dead and we wouldn't even get to play with the ax. But I think someone here has been tipped off about the little surprise that's been planned for later, and I think maybe we should try to keep it a secret for those who haven't been clued in yet.

"Okay, who wants to go next?"

Hank:

"Hi, this Hank the werewolf. Ever since the director suggested each of us get up and tell what we're thankful for, I've been trying to figure out what to say. The problem is that I'm not really thankful for my job. I'm not thankful about the whole situation with Larry the were-bully. And I'm really not thankful for the way us people with ALPS are feared and hated by the normals.

"But that got me thinking and I realized there are a bunch of things I am thankful for. I'm thankful I found this group. Meetings of the Friends of Lon are high points for me each week. I'm thankful for the friends I've made here. Like Lucrezia, who always brings a different point of view to our meetings. Then there's Miguel, who's going to help me deal with the whole Larry situation and who fixes my computer when I screw it up. And killercutie16 just because she seems to have such a wonderful zest for life. And all the rest of you I haven't gotten to know quite as well, yet.

"Oh yeah, and I'm thankful I got the crap kicked out of me by Summer Glau. Because then she gave me a kiss! Now if I could just find a good script writer to infect with ALPS...

"So, happy Thanksgiving, one and all! Here's hoping you don't have to chase your turkey, bite its head off, rip open its rib cage and feast on its still beating heart!"

Henry:

"As usual, Hank, I have no idea what to say after listening to you. I'm sure we're all happy you've found friends here in the WCA. And I know I speak for everyone when I say we are all entertained whenever it's your turn to speak!

"Who's next?"

Jim:

"Hey, uh, hi... [THUMP THUMP THUMP] is this thing on? Okay, sorry. Seems fine.

"Uh, well. Okay. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

"I have to say, this last year has been, uh, a little tough for me. So, I guess I have to first of all say that I'm thankful for you guys. I'm really amazed by the way I poured my heart out to you, and I wasn't ejected from the group or treated like a freak.

"Most of you know about my, uh, sexual urges. Sorry to all the were-cougar group... I probably shouldn't get into it. But, I have to say, that my tendency to be attracted to dogs and wolves and stuff hasn't kept me from a meaningful relationship with my wife, who's, uh, human, not a dog.

"And seriously, STOP staring at me like that. You in the front row, with the Devo shirt. Stop it!

"Freak.

"Okay, so, anyhow. All that to say, I'm really really thankful for my wife... she's stood by me even through my struggle... even that time at the Bark Park where I saw this smokin' hot doberman an...

"Sorry. Don't look at me like that, people! And Devo Boy - SHRIVEL UP!

"Where was I? Oh yeah. I'm thankful for my wife. She's actually here tonight, for the first time... she doesn't have ALPS, but she came to support me...

"Uh, hon? Anyone see her? Row three... okay, maybe she's in the bathroom or something?

"Paging Carol... paging Carol... okay, fine then! Whatever.

"Happy thanksgiving, folks."

Henry:

"Okay. I think Jim's words more than speak for themselves.

So, moving right along, who wants to go next?"

Mike:

"Hi all. I'm Mike. Maybe you remember when I told the real story behind Little Red Riding Hood? I haven't gotten up to speak since then, just been lending an ear and my support to everyone. But since everyone else is speaking, I thought I ought to, as well.

"I'm thankful I'm not having any problems dealing with ALPS. No problems I can't handle, anyway. And I'm thankful all of you gave such good feedback after I spoke about my ancestor, Peter Stumpp. I'm thankful all of you could understand and appreciate the problems my long ago ancestor faced.

"I'm also thankful I've learned so much about research while investigating my genealogy. After reading about Peter, I started wondering if any other folk tales and legends might actually be about werewolves, or at least people with ALPS. So I expanded my research and am tracking down a bunch of different stories and legends that are probably werewolf related. So I'm also thankful I'll have an appreciative audience when I present those stories, too.

"Happy Thanksgiving!"

Henry:

"I don't know about the rest of the group, but I'm looking forward to your next presentation. I certainly enjoyed your more adult version of Little Red Riding Hood, particularly the whole carnal urges bit!

"Have we got anyone else who wants to speak?"

Bill and Sharon:

(An older middle-aged couple step forward together, holding hands.)

"Hello friends, I'm Bill!"

"And I'm Sharon!"

"So... Sharon... want me to do this?"

"No, Bill... I don't mind sharing."

"Go for it, babe."

(He kisses her on the cheek... the audience "aahs" their approval. She steps in front of the podium.)

"Hello all! A lot of nice things have been said tonight. And, I know you've heard our story before... how we met, fell in love, ate some cops and lived happily ever after.

"Well, it really wasn't all roses and champagne. I have to say, we felt really bad after the cop incident. I had indigestion for a week!"

(laughter from audience)

"Bill and I are a little further along in our lives than many of you. Back when we got ALPS, hardly anyone knew what to do with it. Now we have support groups, and muzzle locks, and all kinds of things that make life a little easier.

"But most of all, we have each other. We don't have to feel alone. I mean golly, girls! Remember how tough it used to be to find a good lycanthrope boy? Almost impossible!

"Bill and I feel strongly that knowledge is power. Awareness has been raised, even though we have a lot further to go. That's why I'm thankful for the many people that care about ALPS, care about how we feel, and allow some of our little foibles to be overlooked.

"Have a howling good Thanksgiving, fellow were-creatures!"

(They both step forward together and throw their heads back.)

"AROOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Henry:

"That's so touching. I'm sure the rest of all wish we could as fortunate as you two. I know I'd love to meet that special woman with ALPS like Bill did!

"Anyone else want to speak?"

Miguel

"Hi boys and girls... with fangs!

"So... as most of you know, I just joined this alpo group... oh geez, sorry, uh... ALPS group a little while ago, thanks to my friend Hank, and I want to say how much I really appreciate your acceptance.

"I suppose since I'm a second generation immigrant to this great nation, I should say something about how I'm "thankful to be in America, the land of the free." Well, I am grateful for that, I guess. Though seriously, it's not as free as we think it is. Man, you gotta like get a license to do ANYTHING here. It's like, every little thing requires a paid form and a permission slip. What's up with that?

(silence)

"Okay, well... guess that was off-topic. Sorry. Anyhow, I have to say, I'm thankful for the fact that I finally get to be just who I am. I'm like a minority among minorities here, and you guys are all so friendly and nice. You didn't get on my case about my past, or treat me like I'm second class or anything. I appreciate that a ton. It's like were-Martin were-Luther were-King were-Jr. said, uh, "ask not what you can do for your country..." Never mind, I can't remember what he said. Just that it was something good about equality.

"All right... peace out. If anyone needs some computer work done, give me a ring."

Henry:

"Thanks, Miguel. We're glad you found us. And the WCA membership secretary wanted me to tell you she really appreciates you getting her computer fixed. He knows his stuff, folks!

"Is there anybody else who wants to speak? Anybody?

"Lucrezia? How about it? Don't shake your head. Come on, you'll be- yipe!

"O-o-o-okay. Lucrezia doesn't want to speak right now. Anyone else?

"No? Okay, then let's head over to the park and join the Mexican-American Were-Jaguars Anonymous group and find out about Rampant Loon's big Thanksgiving surprise!"