Lollipop Love

“Hi, I’m Hank and I’m a werewolf.”

[Everyone: Hi Hank!]

“I’m… Uh… Wow, this is tougher than I thought… Okay, I’m just going to come right out and say it…”

[Person in the crowd: So say it already!]

“I was working up to it! This isn’t easy and you’ll understand when I finally say it… All right… Out with it…

“I’m in love with a lollipop!”

[Same person: A what?]

“A lollipop. What’s with all the blank stares? Geez, don’t you people know what a lollipop is?”

[Miguel: I know-]

“Besides you, Miguel… Man, don’t any of you people ever go out or read anything in the press? A lollipop is a vampire!

“You guys still don’t get it? It’s like this. A vampire is a blood sucker. People shorten blood sucker to sucker. And a sucker is another word for a lollipop. See? It’s simple.

“I can see by your faces that this isn’t sinking in. Let’s just say vampires would rather be called lollipops than scabbies. At least the girls would. And that’s what I want to tell you about. I’m in love with a girl vampire!

“I’d been looking around for a script writer to infect with ALPS so we could get a big, sympathetic movie made about us. And with that stupid editorial calling for internment of all of us, I figured it was more important than ever to find the script writer fast! I did some searching around on the internet. By the way, thanks for fixing my computer again, Miguel!"

[Miguel: No prob, dude.]

“Anyway, I’d found this guy, Luke Dorn, who was taking a break from Hollywood for a few months. He came here to teach writing for a semester at a local college and work on a book he was writing. Anyway, I tracked-“

[Miguel: You tracked?]

“Okay, I told Miguel about the guy and he tracked him down somehow. I think Miguel used his computer but I don’t know. Anyway, once I knew where Luke lived and worked, I watched him for a while to figure out his habits. It turns out he always hits a sports bar on Monday nights to watch football. I started going to same bar and it wasn’t too hard to manage to meet him and get him talking. That’s an essential skill for a used car salesman! Besides, he made it easy. He always wore a Philadelphia Eagles hat and jacket. I just showed up wearing the same and he did most of my work for me.

“Anyway, we became good buddies. I wasn’t faking that, either. Luke turned out to be a good guy. Nice enough I was starting to feel sorry I had to infect him with ALPS. Last Monday, I suggested we meet at his apartment after work and grab a bite to eat before the game. That way I could bite him in private and not give the papers any more bad stuff to write about us.

“I showed up at Luke’s place at 6:30 and he offered me a beer while he finished up something. I kicked in a little of the power just to sense if he was nervous or anything. And right then the door opened and a woman walked in. A really good looking woman.

“Luke said, ‘Oh, good. I was hoping you’d get home in time! Hank, this is my sister Michelle.’

“But we weren’t paying attention to Luke. Michelle glared at me and said, “Alpo.” I glared back and said, “Scabbie.” Luke was just looking back and forth between us looking confused when Michelle leaped at me.

“She knocked me back into the wall but I just used it to push off and hit her hard, knocking her down. Next thing, we were rolling all around trying to get an advantage on the other. I really wanted to fully transform, but you know how you have to give it all your concentration for a second or so to transform if the moon isn’t full? Well, I figured if I took that second or so, she’d rip my throat out or something.

“In the background, I think Luke was shouting at us. He was probably trying to figure out what was going on, too. Can’t say I blame him. I mean, his sister and his new friend were rolling around on the floor, breaking his furniture and trying to kill each other. It’d probably freak out any normal.

“Michelle and I rolled up against this monster couch that Luke had and everything stopped for a second. She was lying on top of me, trying to pin my arms to the floor. We were both panting and I’ll bet I had the same wild, uncontrolled look in my eyes that she had in hers. I could feel blood rolling down the side of my cheek from a cut. Then it was like the whole world vanished for a few seconds. It just her and me, staring into each other’s eyes. That’s when she leaned down and licked the blood off my cheek. The look on her face told me everything.

“She was hungry and it was taking every bit of control she had to fight her natural instincts. I know how that feels. We all know how that feels. So I said, ‘Go ahead and feed. It’s okay. ’ I turned my head and offered my neck to her. That wasn’t easy to do, I’ll tell you!

“Her fangs popped out but she still hesitated. ‘I… I shouldn’t!’

“’Why not?’ I asked her. ‘Remember? I’m a werewolf. I’ll heal! Let yourself go. Everyone needs to do that every now and then.’

“I’ve got a better idea why vampires are having an easier time fitting in to noral society than we are. Having a vampire feed on you is… Well, it’s hard to describe. It hurts a bit at first but then it becomes really intimate. It’s not like sex, but it’s just as intimate.

“After a few minutes, it dawned on us that Luke was still in the room watching us. It was almost embarrassing. Kind of like being in college and having your roommate ignore the tie you left on the door knob and walked in at the wrong time. But Luke was embarrassed by it. Hell, he was busy scribbling in a notebook and muttering, ‘This is great stuff!’

“I won’t go over everything that happened afterwards, but get this. Luke’s going to write that screenplay we want! He’s going to put vampires in it, too, which makes sense considering his sister is one. It’s going to be about how alienated both groups are from normal society. I didn’t even have to give Luke ALPS to get him started! And I met a wonderful girl at the same time!

“I love it when a plan comes together!”

Underwere

“Hello, I’m Andrew, and I’m a were-bear.”

[Group snickers]

“Not a ‘Care Bear,’ damn it!” Sorry, I get that a lot. Anyway, I’ll just cut to the chase. For those of you who don’t know, this is my first time here… I guess it all started when I went to college. I’m sure you’ve heard of the freshman fifteen. Well, I got the freshman fifty. My sophomore year I gained another hundred pounds. By my senior year I weighed over four hundred pounds. Hair was growing all over my body, and I don’t mean in the annoying sex education video way. Fortunately that was the extent of the transformations at the time. ‘Cause the doctors I saw thought I just needed a diet. I told ‘em I tried dieting, but they wouldn’t listen. Maybe there was something to just being big-boned.


“After college I got a job in construction, on account of my ability to bench-press a small car. Yeah, I see the nervous looks on your faces now. That’s why you don’t make fun of a man telling his life story. But don’t worry. I’m over it. Really. Anyway, I worked nights at a gay strip club. Don’t know why, but for some reason some folks there liked me. A lot.


“That was when it all took a turn for the worse. One night near the end of the construction season I came home hammered and went to bed—I was sleeping on the floor after having broken several mattresses—and the next thing I knew I was out of a job. It went like this: I come in early in the morning, eat all the donuts—I was so hungry I could have eaten a horse… sorry Mr. Ed—and then one of my coworkers, Rick, comes up to me and says, ‘I doubt they’ll hire you again.’ I had no idea what he meant. None whatsoever. Soon though, I found out that I was late to work. Not that morning, mind you. Work wouldn’t have started for nearly an hour. It was more that I was several months late. Hibernation. Like Rip Van frickin’ Winkle, it’s great at the time, but later you wish you didn’t waste a significant portion of your life. Of course I took my frustration out on my boss—ate him, I did—and then I killed all my coworkers, ate bits and pieces from some of them too. Why are you all looking at me so funny? I’m on a strict salmon diet now. I swear.


[Nervous looks abound]

“Um… so, last week I was number one on the Threat Down on the Colbert Report. Anyone see my picture? Oh, you did? What do you mean you wonder whether or not Constitutional rights apply to were-folks? Second Amendment? What are you pulling out...? Aaahh! Lord no! My only regret is that I didn’t kill you all the moment I came in here…


[BLAM! Shortly thereafter another group member stands up]


“Hi, I’m Dave, and I’m a were-African lion. Remember the African part. Asiatic lions suck! Sorry about the mess, by the way. No thanks necessary for saving your lives. It’s what I do. You see, I’m a bounty hunter nowadays. I used to be a mascot though. You can guess who for. By the way, eat it Chicago! Sorry, you can see that I’m really into pride. It’s okay. You can laugh. It’s funny. Hey, all we need is a were-tiger, oh my!


“I don’t really have my story all prepared or anything. I just came here to kill the were-bear. But hey, you’re cool. You’re all cool. I think I’ll sit down and listen to what you have to say. Maybe I’ll come back next week for someone else. Just kidding! Jeez, you guys are twitchier than a freshly killed zebra! Sorry, I’ll stop now. Really, I will. I’ll come back next week—for real now—if this thing proves interesting. I won’t hurt anyone else. I’m not lyin’. Get it? I’m not ‘lion’? Wow. This crowd is tougher than a grandpa wildebeest. In all seriousness though, I’ve never eaten a were-person. Just normal people! Kidding. Only kidding. You’d think this was a support group for paranoid freaks. You know… batty people. Sorry if anyone is a were-bat.


“Hey, how about wearing clothes? I mean how it’s like for us were-types to wear clothes. Is there a were-clothes in here? HAHAHAHAHA! Just checking. Personally I don’t wear underwear. I mean shedding though. That is hell on the clothes. Embarrassing. I mean if that isn’t the elephant in the room here, what is? Well, except Dumbo over there… sorry.


“Man, this is pun! We should do this more often. See you soon. You won’t see me though. Not until it’s too late, anyway. Honestly, will you all calm down and stop sweating like pigs? You bunch of Chickens. Oops. I shouldn’t have said that. Hey, just wait until we get a powerful lobby in Washington, like the Jews. Hmm, Wilbur, are you kosher? Never again! We shall overcome! Were-pride! Peace out, dudes! Wait, just one more thing. Anyone want to take this thorn out of my paw? No takers? Uh oh, now something’s got the were-elephant all frightened.

Feeling a Bit Strange...

It's really cloudy here in Middle America... lots of rain... but I'm feeling REALLY frisky/angry/dangerous/wild tonight.

Anyone else feel that way?

A Call to Reason

(The following editorial appeared in the Sunday, December 7th edition of the Miami Herald.)

by Michael Zevon

Imprisoning civilians? Mass quarantines? Targeting minorities?

It sounds like a nightmare straight from the dark days of Stalin’s purges - but if a certain uninformed and overwrought segment of our nation gets their way, these atrocities could soon be taking place right here in America. Who knows – someone in your family might be targeted!

Now, what would bring this attack on a sub-set of America? Who do you think these new “criminals” would be? Illegal immigrants? Terror suspects?

Far from it! Rather, some elitists are focusing their fear and hatred on the sufferers of a rare and hard-to-spread disease – Acquired Lycanthropic Polymorphism Syndrome (ALPS).

Yes, we’ve heard the stories. That people living with ALPS turn “violent” or somehow transform into “werewolves” or “killing machines.” Granted, there have been some minor incidents. But that needn’t mean that ALPS victims need to be treated with contempt! Quite the opposite. The men and women that struggle with this disease, and indeed any other disease, need an extra dose of care! How about showing some compassion? Maybe even a little love? A little education and awareness go a long way. In this age of supposed tolerance, shouldn’t we be over the prejudices of the past?

Apparently some aren’t. For example, consider this quote from the editors of the Chicago Tribune: “Until a cure is found, we call on President-Elect Obama to order the internment of all those who suffer from ALPS.” (Nov. 30th, 2008)

Unbelievable! Interment? This is not WWII! We’re talking about our fellow Americans. Our neighbors. Our friends. Not our enemies.

No wonder ALPS sufferers are reluctant to share their struggles! Would you if you were afraid of discrimination… or even of being put behind bars… just because you have some occasional hard-to-control symptoms? Certainly not!

It’s time to stop the madness. Ask yourself – is this or is this not a free country? Those in power have already damaged their credibility through anti-freedom legislation such as the Patriot Act. It’s time to stop finding new targets and start returning to the freedoms on which this nation was founded.

Or one day we may all wake up in chains.

Until a Cure Is Found

(The following editorial appeared in the Sunday, November 30, edition of the Chicago Tribune):

The McCarthy Park Massacre. All of our readers are, by now, thoroughly familiar with this unfortunate incident. All of our readers know the world of journalism lost Les Nesman in the Massacre. All of our readers know of the call from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) for a criminal investigation into publishing giant Rampant Loon’s role in the Massacre; a call the editors second most heartily. Despite the immediacy of these stories, they serve only to misdirect attention from the true issue.

What is to be done with those who have contracted Acquired Lycanthropic Polymorphism Syndrome, or ALPS as it is called in the popular press?

The editors are second to none in their compassion for the poor souls who, through no fault of their own, have contracted this dread disease. But compassion must be tempered with caution. Unlike cancer or AIDS, those who suffer from ALPS are a threat to the community around them. We fully understand that these wretched individuals are not to blame for their rampages. We fully understand their bestial alter egos are beyond their control. But we also fully understand the citizens of this city, this state, this country deserve to walk the streets without fear of attack.

Consider the toll paid in the McCarthy Park Massacre:

- Les Nesman, news reporter for NPR station WWSL
- George Sweeny, cameraman for WWSL TV
- Two pedestrians, identities still unknown
- 62 turkeys
- An unknown number of pigeons and squirrels

This toll is too high to pay once, yet similar stories are found in city after city across this great land of ours.

Therefore, the editors call upon the federal government to step forward and take ownership of problem. Until a cure is found, we call upon President-Elect Obama to put an end to the fear and horror. Until a cure is found, we call for a real War on Terror, a war on the terror ALPS brings to communities large and small, rich and poor, urban and rural. Until a cure is found, we call on President-Elect Obama to protect our husbands and wives, our sons and daughters. Until a cure is found, we call on President-Elect Obama to order the internment of all those who suffer from ALPS.

It's for the children.

Rampant Loon's Turkey Surprise!

The following was a live broadcast by WWSL's own Les Nesman, reporting from McCarthy Park:

Notes from the Annual Thanksgiving Meeting

Henry:

"Greetings, all, and welcome to a very special meeting of the Friends of Lon. For any who haven't heard, we'll be meeting with another support group, the Mexican-American Were-Jaguars Anonymous, at McCarthy Park across from the Rampant Loon world headquarters. I'm told Rampant Loon has some special surprise in store for all of us!

"Before we leave for the park, I thought it would be a appropriate for each of us to briefly tell the group what we're thankful for. So, who would like to go first?"

Sean:

"Hey all, this is Sean the were-hyena. It's that time of year again, Thanksgiving. Most of the year I find little to laugh at but there is something about the fall season that I love. I don't know if it the leaves changing color, the longer nights, or the cooler temperatures which means that hobos don't smell as bad and as an added bonus I can usually eat off of one for a few days before they start to turn.

"Thanksgiving is all about giving thanks, so I thought I would share with my fellow WCA members some things I'm thankful for.

"I'm thankful for my wife and family. I'm thankful for my house. I'm sorta thankful for my job. I'm thankful for the crisp snap of a fresh kidney. I'm thankful that the Adkins fad is ending, I mean everyone knows the real flavor comes from proper marbling. Am I right or what? But most of all I'm thankful for all of you here at the WCA.

"Lon bless and have a great holiday season!"

Henry:

"That was beautiful, Sean, just beautiful, and I'm sure we can all agree about the importance of proper marbling. Now, who wants to go next?"

Shannon:

"Hello friends and fellow were-creatures.

"Let’s face it. The highlight of Thanksgiving is, and always will be, The Turkey. Who wouldn’t love it, I mean, it’s a holiday that revolves around the slaughter and consumption of a large bird! But for those with ALPS it can be such a depressing time of year. When Grandma calls everyone to the table and places the large, carcass-laden platter in front of Grandpa to carve, I always feel such a sense of let down. It just looks so dead! Aunt Molly oohs and aahs about the beautiful golden color on the thing and I have to pretend I’m excited too… but I’m really thinking how revolting it looks. People spend so much time worrying about not overcooking the turkey so the white meat doesn’t dry out, but they miss the fact that the whole thing’s way too dry if it isn’t still warm and filled with its own pulsating natural juices!

"But you can’t just go out and get your own turkey. Not a live one that you can really sink your teeth into. They have to monopolize the whole process. You have few options other than going to the grocery store and picking up this frozen hunk of dead meat wrapped in plastic. Disgusting.

"That’s why I’m so thrilled about this celebration with all of you who understand what it’s like to feel this way. And I’m so excited about the turkey drop! This year we all get to experience Thanksgiving the way, I feel, it was meant to be celebrated! And best of all, it’s in this controlled environment, so we know no innocent bystanders will be harmed. I think that’s what the “others” are really worried about when they control the holiday anyway. They’re just so blissfully ignorant.

"Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!"

Henry:

"Thank you, Shannon. That was wonderful. I'm sure we all have childhood memories like that, of the disappointment of finding out that the turkey was already dead and we wouldn't even get to play with the ax. But I think someone here has been tipped off about the little surprise that's been planned for later, and I think maybe we should try to keep it a secret for those who haven't been clued in yet.

"Okay, who wants to go next?"

Hank:

"Hi, this Hank the werewolf. Ever since the director suggested each of us get up and tell what we're thankful for, I've been trying to figure out what to say. The problem is that I'm not really thankful for my job. I'm not thankful about the whole situation with Larry the were-bully. And I'm really not thankful for the way us people with ALPS are feared and hated by the normals.

"But that got me thinking and I realized there are a bunch of things I am thankful for. I'm thankful I found this group. Meetings of the Friends of Lon are high points for me each week. I'm thankful for the friends I've made here. Like Lucrezia, who always brings a different point of view to our meetings. Then there's Miguel, who's going to help me deal with the whole Larry situation and who fixes my computer when I screw it up. And killercutie16 just because she seems to have such a wonderful zest for life. And all the rest of you I haven't gotten to know quite as well, yet.

"Oh yeah, and I'm thankful I got the crap kicked out of me by Summer Glau. Because then she gave me a kiss! Now if I could just find a good script writer to infect with ALPS...

"So, happy Thanksgiving, one and all! Here's hoping you don't have to chase your turkey, bite its head off, rip open its rib cage and feast on its still beating heart!"

Henry:

"As usual, Hank, I have no idea what to say after listening to you. I'm sure we're all happy you've found friends here in the WCA. And I know I speak for everyone when I say we are all entertained whenever it's your turn to speak!

"Who's next?"

Jim:

"Hey, uh, hi... [THUMP THUMP THUMP] is this thing on? Okay, sorry. Seems fine.

"Uh, well. Okay. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

"I have to say, this last year has been, uh, a little tough for me. So, I guess I have to first of all say that I'm thankful for you guys. I'm really amazed by the way I poured my heart out to you, and I wasn't ejected from the group or treated like a freak.

"Most of you know about my, uh, sexual urges. Sorry to all the were-cougar group... I probably shouldn't get into it. But, I have to say, that my tendency to be attracted to dogs and wolves and stuff hasn't kept me from a meaningful relationship with my wife, who's, uh, human, not a dog.

"And seriously, STOP staring at me like that. You in the front row, with the Devo shirt. Stop it!

"Freak.

"Okay, so, anyhow. All that to say, I'm really really thankful for my wife... she's stood by me even through my struggle... even that time at the Bark Park where I saw this smokin' hot doberman an...

"Sorry. Don't look at me like that, people! And Devo Boy - SHRIVEL UP!

"Where was I? Oh yeah. I'm thankful for my wife. She's actually here tonight, for the first time... she doesn't have ALPS, but she came to support me...

"Uh, hon? Anyone see her? Row three... okay, maybe she's in the bathroom or something?

"Paging Carol... paging Carol... okay, fine then! Whatever.

"Happy thanksgiving, folks."

Henry:

"Okay. I think Jim's words more than speak for themselves.

So, moving right along, who wants to go next?"

Mike:

"Hi all. I'm Mike. Maybe you remember when I told the real story behind Little Red Riding Hood? I haven't gotten up to speak since then, just been lending an ear and my support to everyone. But since everyone else is speaking, I thought I ought to, as well.

"I'm thankful I'm not having any problems dealing with ALPS. No problems I can't handle, anyway. And I'm thankful all of you gave such good feedback after I spoke about my ancestor, Peter Stumpp. I'm thankful all of you could understand and appreciate the problems my long ago ancestor faced.

"I'm also thankful I've learned so much about research while investigating my genealogy. After reading about Peter, I started wondering if any other folk tales and legends might actually be about werewolves, or at least people with ALPS. So I expanded my research and am tracking down a bunch of different stories and legends that are probably werewolf related. So I'm also thankful I'll have an appreciative audience when I present those stories, too.

"Happy Thanksgiving!"

Henry:

"I don't know about the rest of the group, but I'm looking forward to your next presentation. I certainly enjoyed your more adult version of Little Red Riding Hood, particularly the whole carnal urges bit!

"Have we got anyone else who wants to speak?"

Bill and Sharon:

(An older middle-aged couple step forward together, holding hands.)

"Hello friends, I'm Bill!"

"And I'm Sharon!"

"So... Sharon... want me to do this?"

"No, Bill... I don't mind sharing."

"Go for it, babe."

(He kisses her on the cheek... the audience "aahs" their approval. She steps in front of the podium.)

"Hello all! A lot of nice things have been said tonight. And, I know you've heard our story before... how we met, fell in love, ate some cops and lived happily ever after.

"Well, it really wasn't all roses and champagne. I have to say, we felt really bad after the cop incident. I had indigestion for a week!"

(laughter from audience)

"Bill and I are a little further along in our lives than many of you. Back when we got ALPS, hardly anyone knew what to do with it. Now we have support groups, and muzzle locks, and all kinds of things that make life a little easier.

"But most of all, we have each other. We don't have to feel alone. I mean golly, girls! Remember how tough it used to be to find a good lycanthrope boy? Almost impossible!

"Bill and I feel strongly that knowledge is power. Awareness has been raised, even though we have a lot further to go. That's why I'm thankful for the many people that care about ALPS, care about how we feel, and allow some of our little foibles to be overlooked.

"Have a howling good Thanksgiving, fellow were-creatures!"

(They both step forward together and throw their heads back.)

"AROOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Henry:

"That's so touching. I'm sure the rest of all wish we could as fortunate as you two. I know I'd love to meet that special woman with ALPS like Bill did!

"Anyone else want to speak?"

Miguel

"Hi boys and girls... with fangs!

"So... as most of you know, I just joined this alpo group... oh geez, sorry, uh... ALPS group a little while ago, thanks to my friend Hank, and I want to say how much I really appreciate your acceptance.

"I suppose since I'm a second generation immigrant to this great nation, I should say something about how I'm "thankful to be in America, the land of the free." Well, I am grateful for that, I guess. Though seriously, it's not as free as we think it is. Man, you gotta like get a license to do ANYTHING here. It's like, every little thing requires a paid form and a permission slip. What's up with that?

(silence)

"Okay, well... guess that was off-topic. Sorry. Anyhow, I have to say, I'm thankful for the fact that I finally get to be just who I am. I'm like a minority among minorities here, and you guys are all so friendly and nice. You didn't get on my case about my past, or treat me like I'm second class or anything. I appreciate that a ton. It's like were-Martin were-Luther were-King were-Jr. said, uh, "ask not what you can do for your country..." Never mind, I can't remember what he said. Just that it was something good about equality.

"All right... peace out. If anyone needs some computer work done, give me a ring."

Henry:

"Thanks, Miguel. We're glad you found us. And the WCA membership secretary wanted me to tell you she really appreciates you getting her computer fixed. He knows his stuff, folks!

"Is there anybody else who wants to speak? Anybody?

"Lucrezia? How about it? Don't shake your head. Come on, you'll be- yipe!

"O-o-o-okay. Lucrezia doesn't want to speak right now. Anyone else?

"No? Okay, then let's head over to the park and join the Mexican-American Were-Jaguars Anonymous group and find out about Rampant Loon's big Thanksgiving surprise!"