“Arrrrrrrgh!!! Tim?!”
From around the corner come hurried footsteps. In a moment, he’s beside her, blue eyes filled with worry. He sets his cell down on the table and takes her arm.
“Uh, sweetheart? Are you okay?”
“Yes… it’s just… that one HURT!”
“Hold it together, darling. The midwife says she’s almost here.”
“Okay… good… but I don’t know HOW to hold it together! I’ve never done this before! Did we wait too long to call? I didn’t want to bother them if… arrrrrrgh…. uhhhhh… ahhhh…”
She leans into him and shuts her eyes as another contraction hits.
“It’ll be fine, Jill… you’re doing good… breathe… breathe…”
* * *
An hour later labor is in full swing. Tim holds Jill’s hand. Genevieve had delivered over a thousand babies in her years as a midwife… but to the best of her knowledge, this was her first ALPS-positive birth. At least this couple had told her they had ALPS. She actually didn’t know if that meant the baby would also have it. Her assistant Meg stands next to her, bottle of olive oil in hand. Genevieve puts on gloves and cracks the seal.
“Jill… I’m going to check you to see your progress. Is that okay?”
“Yes… sure… AARRGH!!”
Genevieve waits for the contraction to pass, then gently feels for progress.
“Great job, Jill! You’re going so fast- you’re almost completely dilated. Way-to-go, girl! Whenever you’re ready to push… push!”
Jill nods, teeth clenched against the pressure of another contraction. Tim helps her, holding her hand and counting seconds. Meg rubs Jill’s arm and speaks soothing nothings.
Genevieve was worried. As much as she told herself that she was open-minded and unprejudiced, ALPS was a little weird even for her.
What if Jill BITES me!?
Without thinking, she retreats slightly from the tableau and puts her hands behind her back.
Heck... what if the BABY bites me?!
But then Jill grunts and starts her first real push. Genevieve’s professionalism takes over. In a moment, she’s crouching beside her laboring charge.
“Good job, Jill… are you feeling the urge to push now?”
“Yesssss!!!”
“Then push whenever your body is ready!”
A minute later, Jill pushes again, even harder. This is going really quickly, Genevieve thinks. She’s really moving along for a first-time mother!
With a load yell (roar?), Jill pushes again.
Oh God… please don’t let her turn into a lion or something… oh God…
Genevieve looks at Tim, still standing steady. Meg puts on gloves. Jill’s face strains with effort, muscles tense along her body.
Oh geez… is the hair on her arms turning darker???
Genevieve feels faint, then reproaches herself. Concentrate on your job, soldier. Not much longer!
* * *
A short time after the pushing began, Genevieve sees it. The baby is crowning.
“He’s coming, Jill! You’re doing it! Meg… quick… get the mirror.”
Meg hands it to Genevieve. “Do you want to see, Jill?”
Through clenched teeth comes a “Yes!”
Genevieve positions it. “See the baby? See that full head of hair?”
Jill looks down, between contractions now. She yelps! “No, omigod… no… omigod that looks horrible!
Genevieve frowns. “Horrible? I don’t think so – looks good to me! See the baby…” She adjusts the mirror. “…right here?”
Jill shudders, horrified. “Oh God… no… it’s just a huge hole… a hole… omigod, I can’t look… take the mirror away…”
Her midwife does, perplexed. That was a weird response…
Tim risks a glimpse between his wife’s legs. “Looks beautiful to me, darling. Dark hair – like yours! OW!”
Jill grips his arm. Her fingernails draw blood. “ArrrrrrrGH!!!” She pushes… the head is out!
For a moment, her eyes turn to slits and some short hairs appear across her face. In a flash, her inner puma appears and disappears. Genevieve notices… then sighs in relief as it passes… then returns to the child.
“Almost… one more!
Jill pushes again… the baby arrives!
Tim yells, “It’s a boy!”
Jill collapses back onto the bed, exhausted. Meg hands her the baby. Genevieve ties off the cord and hands Tim scissors.
Snip! A new life enters the world.
* * *
Jill and the baby are alone. The midwife and assistant were gone. Tim phones family in the next room. And little Esau nuzzles contentedly at her breast.
She flashes back to the crowning incident.
The image of that red and black gaping hole…
(Shudder)
…don’t think about it! I can’t believe that was MY vagi-
Tim peeks through the door, interrupts the thought. “Hey darling… can I come in?”
She lets him. He kisses her and the baby. A few minutes later he leaves again, remembering another call that needs to be made.
When he does, Jill painstakingly rolls to her left and uncovers her other breast for Esau. She didn’t think he was getting much yet, but the midwife told her to let him suckle. He latches on without trouble. She half-dozes, eyes drifting lazily across the room. The large mirror on the wall reflects her newly-thin form. She sees a bare breast.
No baby.
Shock!
The baby is right here! But not there?!
Then she remembered a dream she’d had.
A dream?!
* * *
It had been a dark night, full moon. She was feeling her puma-self, turning in her bed. Tim was gone for the weekend. Darn his job!
She wanted him. Badly.
Finally, she slept… and dreamed…
In it, she hears a scratching at the window. Wearing a thin slip, she turns. The moonlight plays across her svelte frame. Catlike, her eyes look into the gloom.
Nothing.
But she smells something. Like… incense? A sweetness… and undertones of damp stone, wilting flowers and mould.
Another scratch. Then she sees a face. In her dream, he’s dangerously handsome. Dark flashing eyes… a noble nose… dark hair…
She isn’t afraid. Trancelike, she drifts to the window. A strap falls from her shoulder. One breast is exposed to the moonlight. She doesn’t notice. All she feels is desire for the stranger.
It opens. He enters. They lie together.
The next morning she awakens, contented and well-slept. Half-memories of a vivid and passionate dream play in her mind as she drinks her coffee. A pleasant fantasy.
When Tim arrives home, she falls into bed with him, delighted in his return. The dream was mostly forgotten.
Until now.
* * *
Initially, she feels only shock. Then horror.
This child… could he be… oh my GOD! A lollipop???
Esau sleeps.
Tim will never forgive me!
A small frown plays across his face.
But… I didn’t know it was real!
His little fist opens as dozing deepens.
He’ll never believe that! Everything will be ruined… our whole life together!
Then a plan comes to mind.
Mirrors! I can ditch all the mirrors!
She carefully disengages from her newborn and arises. Taking the mirror from the wall, she stores it in the closet.
That’s a start.
* * *
A couple weeks later, Tim once again has a short trip to make. Three days with his boss, selling someone on something.
He protested that he didn’t want to leave her alone with Esau but she made him go.
He left in the morning. After breakfast and nursing, she starts her task.
Bathroom mirrors? Removed.
Stainless cookware? Goodwill.
Hall mirror tiles? Gone.
At long last, she’s contented. He won’t find out in the house at least. I’ve bought some time…
* * *
He gets back and is surprised.
“Uh… Jill… have you gone nuts?”
“No, why?”
“Where are the mirrors?”
“Gone, darling.”
He stares at her.
“Why?”
“I just… can’t stand to see myself, Tim… I, uh… look terrible… pregnancy ruined me…”
He looks at her figure. Not perfect… but certainly not ruined!
“Jill… maybe this is a post-partum thing…”
“Tim, just let me do this, okay?”
He frowns. “I can’t shave without a mirror.”
Her lip trembles.
“Please… don’t make me see another mirror… please… I beg you!” A tear rolls down her cheek. It was half-faked… but not completely.
Taken aback by her emotion, he grasps her arms.
“Okay, if that’s how you feel…”
He kisses her, still perplexed, walks to the crib and changes subject.
“What a beautiful little boy… thank you for bringing him into the world, darling.”
Now she cries for real.
* * *
Esau grew quickly. His hair was black as coal and his eyes flashed. He generally slept during the day but at night he was wide awake.
Six months old and Tim still didn’t suspect. Jill starts to let her guard down a little.
Every time Tim wanted to go out, she’d feigned tiredness. Or claimed concern for little Esau’s health. “You wouldn’t want him to catch the flu, would you darling… he’s still so little!”
But one overcast day, she relents. They walk to the park together. Esau drowses in his stroller. Tim holds her hand.
A little picnic is spread on the grass. Sandwiches, cucumber slices, a splash of white wine. It feels like a celebration. Children play nearby, and even Esau seems happy in the filtered sunlight, despite drowsiness.
He points and giggles at a family of ducks splashing in the nearby pond.
Tim scoops up the infant with a grin. “Let’s go see ‘em, tough guy!”
Jill laughs. It was wonderful to be together with her family and out of the house.
Esau rides Tim’s shoulders to water’s edge. Silvery wrinkles play across the surface beneath the duck’s bodies. Tim tosses them crusts and they fight. More giggles!
Then a bark breaks the moment… a dog tears up to the pond… scaring the birds away.
Tim and Esau watch them go. Then they gaze down at a soggy crust in the water.
And slowly, the ripples clear.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Like, Hello Everyone!
Hi. My name is Megan and I’m the head cheerleader at West Valley High.
GO BADGERS!
I’m also like a were-cheetah, which is cool because cheetahs are like so hot. And not to brag I’m like the hottest girl at West Valley so I’m way smoking whether I’m doing a quadruple back somersault or running down that wench Cindy Johnson.
I don’t know why everyone is like so depressed around here. Being a were-cheetah is so awesome. I was worried at first when it came out that I had ALPS but my Dad is like this big time lawyer and he said he would sue the pants off of them if they like discriminated against me.
Which is weird because I don't know what he would use Principle Jones's pants for.
Anyway, since they put in a foot bath for that Muslim kid, a meditation room for Miss Riley who’s a Buddhist, and a field of daisies for the shop teacher Mr. Stone who just became a Hare Krishna I’m totally getting a selection of live farm animals to chose from in the cafeteria. I mean it is so awesome having ALPS because I can eat a whole goat and like none of it goes to my thighs.
When it first was rumored that I was a little bit different, that slut Cindy Johnson threatened to ostracize me if I didn’t step down and let her be head cheerleader. AS IF! There is no way I’d let that ho bag lead our squad when our football team needs us so bad. We were going to play Central that week and they are like so tough. Plus she has really bad hair. Like, Hello Cindy Johnson. You might want to have that looked at by someone other than Uncle Mort down at Great Clips. I mean have some Badger Pride.
You should have seen the look on her face when I growled at her and in a totally scary cheetah voice told her to “Step off whore or I’m like going to totally rip open your flat chested rib cage and feast on your still beating heart." I think she peed her pants which is totally awesome because Derek, the all state quarterback and total megababe totally saw her do it.
And that’s the best part. It turns out that Derek is a were-panther and he is so H-O-T. We totally hit it off and started hanging out together and stuff. And he totally asked me to Prom yesterday at lunch while we were munching on a Llama. Who knew Llama could be so romantic. Cindy Johnson is so jealous!
Anyway to quote that hunk Ryan Seacrest, Megan Out!
GO BADGERS!
I’m also like a were-cheetah, which is cool because cheetahs are like so hot. And not to brag I’m like the hottest girl at West Valley so I’m way smoking whether I’m doing a quadruple back somersault or running down that wench Cindy Johnson.
I don’t know why everyone is like so depressed around here. Being a were-cheetah is so awesome. I was worried at first when it came out that I had ALPS but my Dad is like this big time lawyer and he said he would sue the pants off of them if they like discriminated against me.
Which is weird because I don't know what he would use Principle Jones's pants for.
Anyway, since they put in a foot bath for that Muslim kid, a meditation room for Miss Riley who’s a Buddhist, and a field of daisies for the shop teacher Mr. Stone who just became a Hare Krishna I’m totally getting a selection of live farm animals to chose from in the cafeteria. I mean it is so awesome having ALPS because I can eat a whole goat and like none of it goes to my thighs.
When it first was rumored that I was a little bit different, that slut Cindy Johnson threatened to ostracize me if I didn’t step down and let her be head cheerleader. AS IF! There is no way I’d let that ho bag lead our squad when our football team needs us so bad. We were going to play Central that week and they are like so tough. Plus she has really bad hair. Like, Hello Cindy Johnson. You might want to have that looked at by someone other than Uncle Mort down at Great Clips. I mean have some Badger Pride.
You should have seen the look on her face when I growled at her and in a totally scary cheetah voice told her to “Step off whore or I’m like going to totally rip open your flat chested rib cage and feast on your still beating heart." I think she peed her pants which is totally awesome because Derek, the all state quarterback and total megababe totally saw her do it.
And that’s the best part. It turns out that Derek is a were-panther and he is so H-O-T. We totally hit it off and started hanging out together and stuff. And he totally asked me to Prom yesterday at lunch while we were munching on a Llama. Who knew Llama could be so romantic. Cindy Johnson is so jealous!
Anyway to quote that hunk Ryan Seacrest, Megan Out!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
A Strange Interlude
"Uh… hey, sorry I’m late.
My name is Jan and I’m a were-dog."
(Hi Jan!)
"Thank you all for having me here this evening. It’s not often that people want to talk with me. Unless they work for the government. Government operatives are everywhere!
Just letting you all know. You can’t be too careful when your life is at stake."
(someone coughs nervously in the audience)
"Okay, I guess I’m supposed to tell my story now. Well, let me see… I think I first realized my dog-like tendencies back in middle school. This other girl and I were doing report on global cooling. That was back when cooling was hot. Anyone remember that? Yeah, ANOTHER thing they’re not telling us about! It’s all conspiracies inside of conspiracies, like Ezekiel said.
Anyhow, we were supposed to work together. I was making little poster board snow clouds and she was cutting out pictures of icicles and stuff. Then her brother came in and started coughing. Like a weasel. Coughing and coughing. My first thought, of course, was that he was an android. You know how needles skip on a record? The artificial people are the same way. A bug like that has saved many lives by giving victims a chance to escape. At least it used to. Since they started putting organic brains in the new ones, they’re a LOT deadlier. But even those have their drawbacks."
(a few people shuffle and look around the room awkwardly)
"Where was I? Ah yes. My tendencies.
The first thing you should know is that I’m part Jewish. And not only that, I also have the Messiah gene. That means that I’m part Jesus. Not all the way, mind you! Just half! Seriously, I can’t save anyone, but I’m really good with children and the poor."
(Jan laughs uproariously for a minute, then stops as if a switch flipped)
"So the android brother, or so I thought him, was coughing and coughing. I found out later that he was human… but back then, I didn’t know. So I bit him! Actually, that’s when I found out he was human. It was really only a few seconds later. He bled, and it didn’t taste like the fake stuff the Builders use.
After I bit him, it was like I realized the truth. I wasn’t just part messiah. I was also part dog. I don’t know why I was chosen but I know there’s a reward coming!"
(Hank steps forward and speaks. “Um… Jan…”)
"Don’t interrupt me! This is important!"
(“I just wanted to tell you something.)
"Well… do it, then!"
(Hank leans closer to her. “I think the CIA is outside, waiting for you.”)
"WHAT? They found me?"
(Jan runs out. Hank steps to the mic.)
“Sorry folks. Geez. That was really weird! Do we need to start doing background checks before we let people speak around here? Or would that just be paranoid?”
My name is Jan and I’m a were-dog."
(Hi Jan!)
"Thank you all for having me here this evening. It’s not often that people want to talk with me. Unless they work for the government. Government operatives are everywhere!
Just letting you all know. You can’t be too careful when your life is at stake."
(someone coughs nervously in the audience)
"Okay, I guess I’m supposed to tell my story now. Well, let me see… I think I first realized my dog-like tendencies back in middle school. This other girl and I were doing report on global cooling. That was back when cooling was hot. Anyone remember that? Yeah, ANOTHER thing they’re not telling us about! It’s all conspiracies inside of conspiracies, like Ezekiel said.
Anyhow, we were supposed to work together. I was making little poster board snow clouds and she was cutting out pictures of icicles and stuff. Then her brother came in and started coughing. Like a weasel. Coughing and coughing. My first thought, of course, was that he was an android. You know how needles skip on a record? The artificial people are the same way. A bug like that has saved many lives by giving victims a chance to escape. At least it used to. Since they started putting organic brains in the new ones, they’re a LOT deadlier. But even those have their drawbacks."
(a few people shuffle and look around the room awkwardly)
"Where was I? Ah yes. My tendencies.
The first thing you should know is that I’m part Jewish. And not only that, I also have the Messiah gene. That means that I’m part Jesus. Not all the way, mind you! Just half! Seriously, I can’t save anyone, but I’m really good with children and the poor."
(Jan laughs uproariously for a minute, then stops as if a switch flipped)
"So the android brother, or so I thought him, was coughing and coughing. I found out later that he was human… but back then, I didn’t know. So I bit him! Actually, that’s when I found out he was human. It was really only a few seconds later. He bled, and it didn’t taste like the fake stuff the Builders use.
After I bit him, it was like I realized the truth. I wasn’t just part messiah. I was also part dog. I don’t know why I was chosen but I know there’s a reward coming!"
(Hank steps forward and speaks. “Um… Jan…”)
"Don’t interrupt me! This is important!"
(“I just wanted to tell you something.)
"Well… do it, then!"
(Hank leans closer to her. “I think the CIA is outside, waiting for you.”)
"WHAT? They found me?"
(Jan runs out. Hank steps to the mic.)
“Sorry folks. Geez. That was really weird! Do we need to start doing background checks before we let people speak around here? Or would that just be paranoid?”
Sunday, January 4, 2009
The Request
"Hi. My name's Frank. I'm not a werewolf or anything, but I'm married to one and my daughter is one."
[Everybody: "Hi Frank!"]
"Sixteen years ago, when my wife and I got married, I knew she was a werewolf. I mean, it's not something you can really hide, right? Especially since she transformed right in front of me while we were dating.
"I'd driven to a secluded spot I knew about for some quality alone time with her and things seemed to be going fine. But I got a bit carried away and missed some signal from her or something. Next thing I know, I'm in the back seat of the car with a werewolf growling, 'No means no, Frank!' For two weeks it was like I'd overdosed on saltpeter! Of course, we laugh about it now.
"So I knew what I was getting into when I married Bianca. Plus, it was kind of exciting, like living on the edge. Bianca wouldn't hurt me on purpose, but if a werewolf forgets how strong she is, she can really put a hurting on you!
"You've also got to be able to swallow your manly pride a bit when you're married to a lady werewolf. Take the time we visited New York City back in the '90s. We went for a stroll through Central Park. We didn't notice it was getting dark or that we'd wandered into a secluded area. Next thing you know, four punks leap out to do who knows what to us. In all the movies, it's the husband who moves in front of his wife, willing to give his life if it buys time for her to get away. That's not the way things go when your wife is a werewolf. Bianca just transformed and attacked. The way I figure it, that was just four guys Guliani's cops never had to worry about again!
"So, I could handle things when it was just me and Bianca. But then our only child, Danielle, hit puberty. If any of you out there have kids going through puberty, you already know what a pain it can be. Girls are a lot harder than boys, let me tell you! But it gets a lot harder when your daughter turns out to be a werewolf, too. And that's just what happened.
"It was about a month ago on a Friday night. We'd ordered pizza and were settling in to watch a movie. Danielle was already in a bad mood because she didn't have any plans and was stuck spending Friday night with her parents. So, you can guess how happy she was when her mother asked her to go downstairs and fold some laundry while we waited for the pizza to show up. The way she stomped into the basement, I'm surprised the stairs didn't break! Hoping to head of a major teenage tantrum, I followed her downstairs to help her fold the laundry. You can imagine how shocked I was when I saw her transform right in front of my eyes!
"That's another thing about teenagers. When they're all emotional, they do things they're going to regret later. Danielle saw me, howled and started after me! I was sure she was going to rip me to shreds if she caught me. And, you know, she'd have regretted it later but that wasn't going to help me any if I was dead! So, while I was running around the stairs trying to stay ahead of her, I screamed, 'Bianca! Help!'
"It was a good thing we were in the basement because Danielle's claws slipped a lot on the concrete floor. That's the only reason I was able to stay ahead of her. I even managed to get her to slide right into a big pile of laundry, getting all tangled up in it. And that's when Bianca got downstairs. She took one look at the fur Danielle was leaving all over the clean clothes and she transformed, too.
"The thing is, once she was in wolf form, she went all mother wolf on me. She saw me trying to tie up her cub using the clean laundry and lost all control. Suddenly, I was running from two werewolves! I dodged and dashed and tossed things into their paths and finally managed to get enough of a lead that I could run upstairs without them catching me. I slammed the door to the stairs shut and locked it, figuring I'd just wait until they both calmed down before unlocking it. They didn't wait to calm down, though.
"I had just reached the kitchen when I heard the door being smashed in half. I had maybe ten seconds before they were both ripping me to pieces. I dashed through the kitchen into the living room and grabbed up a DVD. They came piling into the living room, slavering and ready for the kill. Even though my heart was racing, I acted casual. Holding up the DVD I said, "Hi, honey. I thought we'd watch Beaches tonight. If that's okay with the two of you.'
"They both just stopped in their tracks. Then Bianca transformed back and said, 'I thought you hated Beaches, Frank.' Danielle growled.
"Flipping the DVD case over and pretending to read the back, I replied, 'I don't think I ever really gave it a chance, Bianca. But I'm ready and willing to watch it beginning to end with my two girls.' Danielle growled again.
"Bianca whirled on Danielle and said, 'That's enough of that attitude, young lady! Your father is willing to watch our favorite movie with us. So you just transform back this instant and apologize to him!'
"Danielle transformed back, 'Sorry, Daddy.'
"The doorbell rang. I smiled, 'That's okay, muffin. Can you get the movie loaded in the DVD player while I pay for the pizza?' She took the DVD and loaded it up. And the three of us watched Beaches.
"That brings me to the real reason I'm here. I'm not really looking for advice on how to handle a teenage werewolf. What I really want is to level the playing field. I don't want to have to be afraid of my own daughter and her teenage mood swings. And then Bianca's going to start going through menopause about the time Danielle heads off to college. So, I was hoping one of you who's a werewolf could transform and bite me? I really, really don't want to have to watch Beaches ever again!"
[Everybody: "Hi Frank!"]
"Sixteen years ago, when my wife and I got married, I knew she was a werewolf. I mean, it's not something you can really hide, right? Especially since she transformed right in front of me while we were dating.
"I'd driven to a secluded spot I knew about for some quality alone time with her and things seemed to be going fine. But I got a bit carried away and missed some signal from her or something. Next thing I know, I'm in the back seat of the car with a werewolf growling, 'No means no, Frank!' For two weeks it was like I'd overdosed on saltpeter! Of course, we laugh about it now.
"So I knew what I was getting into when I married Bianca. Plus, it was kind of exciting, like living on the edge. Bianca wouldn't hurt me on purpose, but if a werewolf forgets how strong she is, she can really put a hurting on you!
"You've also got to be able to swallow your manly pride a bit when you're married to a lady werewolf. Take the time we visited New York City back in the '90s. We went for a stroll through Central Park. We didn't notice it was getting dark or that we'd wandered into a secluded area. Next thing you know, four punks leap out to do who knows what to us. In all the movies, it's the husband who moves in front of his wife, willing to give his life if it buys time for her to get away. That's not the way things go when your wife is a werewolf. Bianca just transformed and attacked. The way I figure it, that was just four guys Guliani's cops never had to worry about again!
"So, I could handle things when it was just me and Bianca. But then our only child, Danielle, hit puberty. If any of you out there have kids going through puberty, you already know what a pain it can be. Girls are a lot harder than boys, let me tell you! But it gets a lot harder when your daughter turns out to be a werewolf, too. And that's just what happened.
"It was about a month ago on a Friday night. We'd ordered pizza and were settling in to watch a movie. Danielle was already in a bad mood because she didn't have any plans and was stuck spending Friday night with her parents. So, you can guess how happy she was when her mother asked her to go downstairs and fold some laundry while we waited for the pizza to show up. The way she stomped into the basement, I'm surprised the stairs didn't break! Hoping to head of a major teenage tantrum, I followed her downstairs to help her fold the laundry. You can imagine how shocked I was when I saw her transform right in front of my eyes!
"That's another thing about teenagers. When they're all emotional, they do things they're going to regret later. Danielle saw me, howled and started after me! I was sure she was going to rip me to shreds if she caught me. And, you know, she'd have regretted it later but that wasn't going to help me any if I was dead! So, while I was running around the stairs trying to stay ahead of her, I screamed, 'Bianca! Help!'
"It was a good thing we were in the basement because Danielle's claws slipped a lot on the concrete floor. That's the only reason I was able to stay ahead of her. I even managed to get her to slide right into a big pile of laundry, getting all tangled up in it. And that's when Bianca got downstairs. She took one look at the fur Danielle was leaving all over the clean clothes and she transformed, too.
"The thing is, once she was in wolf form, she went all mother wolf on me. She saw me trying to tie up her cub using the clean laundry and lost all control. Suddenly, I was running from two werewolves! I dodged and dashed and tossed things into their paths and finally managed to get enough of a lead that I could run upstairs without them catching me. I slammed the door to the stairs shut and locked it, figuring I'd just wait until they both calmed down before unlocking it. They didn't wait to calm down, though.
"I had just reached the kitchen when I heard the door being smashed in half. I had maybe ten seconds before they were both ripping me to pieces. I dashed through the kitchen into the living room and grabbed up a DVD. They came piling into the living room, slavering and ready for the kill. Even though my heart was racing, I acted casual. Holding up the DVD I said, "Hi, honey. I thought we'd watch Beaches tonight. If that's okay with the two of you.'
"They both just stopped in their tracks. Then Bianca transformed back and said, 'I thought you hated Beaches, Frank.' Danielle growled.
"Flipping the DVD case over and pretending to read the back, I replied, 'I don't think I ever really gave it a chance, Bianca. But I'm ready and willing to watch it beginning to end with my two girls.' Danielle growled again.
"Bianca whirled on Danielle and said, 'That's enough of that attitude, young lady! Your father is willing to watch our favorite movie with us. So you just transform back this instant and apologize to him!'
"Danielle transformed back, 'Sorry, Daddy.'
"The doorbell rang. I smiled, 'That's okay, muffin. Can you get the movie loaded in the DVD player while I pay for the pizza?' She took the DVD and loaded it up. And the three of us watched Beaches.
"That brings me to the real reason I'm here. I'm not really looking for advice on how to handle a teenage werewolf. What I really want is to level the playing field. I don't want to have to be afraid of my own daughter and her teenage mood swings. And then Bianca's going to start going through menopause about the time Danielle heads off to college. So, I was hoping one of you who's a werewolf could transform and bite me? I really, really don't want to have to watch Beaches ever again!"
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Badgers? We don't need no stinkin badgers.
[A short squat man wearing a shiny metallic shirt only buttoned half way with wide collars heads up to the podium. His hair is slicked back and a shiny gold medallion is nestled comfortably in a copious tuft of chest hair.]
Hey Yo. My name is Joey LoDucca of LoDucca Brothers Automotive Repair and Storage. My parole office says I gots to come to these meetings. I’m like one of dem addicts or something.
[Hank the Were Wimp pipes in “Sir, I believe you want the meeting down the hall. This is Were Creatures Anonymous.”]
Oh Yeah, I’m one of dose too. I’m whatchu call one of dem dere Were-Badgers. My Girlfriend says I gots a bad temper and I needs to come to dese meetings. I told her to mind her own beeswax, but then the judge got all over me for kicking da crud out of some goombah that got in my way at the grocery store. I told him dat it was my right as an American citizen to kick the living tar out of jerks that annoy me. And then he said it was his right to send me to da pokey if I didn’t come to dese meetings.
I done already spent time in da big house. Dey don’t take too kindly to my kind if you know what I mean.
[Someone from the crowd yells out “Were-Creature?”]
No, Italian, ya dumb Pollock.
I don’t knows how you guys handle this. Every time I turn around there’s some moron begging to get his throat ripped out. Da guy who got me sent here took da last box of cinnamon pop tarts right before me. You can’t tell me dat he didn’t deserve to get blasted.
The other day there was dis tremendously fat fool going down the escalator and was just standing and not walking down. I couldn’t get around him, so I freakin blasted him. I mean go down the freakin escalator. If you don’t want to move, stay on your couch and watch reruns of Bonanza for heavens sake. Damn Hoss wannabe just stood there wasting my time.
And dis time of da year, they come out in force. You can’t reach your hand out without brushing up against some moron that is dying to get blasted. I say go return your crappy gift and get the freak off of da roads. You people are really pissing me off.
Dat’s all I gots ta say. And remember if you need good quality repairs on your mode of vehicular transportation or need some place to store your boat, RV, or expensive pieces of jewelry, be sure to call LoDucca Brothers.
Hey Yo. My name is Joey LoDucca of LoDucca Brothers Automotive Repair and Storage. My parole office says I gots to come to these meetings. I’m like one of dem addicts or something.
[Hank the Were Wimp pipes in “Sir, I believe you want the meeting down the hall. This is Were Creatures Anonymous.”]
Oh Yeah, I’m one of dose too. I’m whatchu call one of dem dere Were-Badgers. My Girlfriend says I gots a bad temper and I needs to come to dese meetings. I told her to mind her own beeswax, but then the judge got all over me for kicking da crud out of some goombah that got in my way at the grocery store. I told him dat it was my right as an American citizen to kick the living tar out of jerks that annoy me. And then he said it was his right to send me to da pokey if I didn’t come to dese meetings.
I done already spent time in da big house. Dey don’t take too kindly to my kind if you know what I mean.
[Someone from the crowd yells out “Were-Creature?”]
No, Italian, ya dumb Pollock.
I don’t knows how you guys handle this. Every time I turn around there’s some moron begging to get his throat ripped out. Da guy who got me sent here took da last box of cinnamon pop tarts right before me. You can’t tell me dat he didn’t deserve to get blasted.
The other day there was dis tremendously fat fool going down the escalator and was just standing and not walking down. I couldn’t get around him, so I freakin blasted him. I mean go down the freakin escalator. If you don’t want to move, stay on your couch and watch reruns of Bonanza for heavens sake. Damn Hoss wannabe just stood there wasting my time.
And dis time of da year, they come out in force. You can’t reach your hand out without brushing up against some moron that is dying to get blasted. I say go return your crappy gift and get the freak off of da roads. You people are really pissing me off.
Dat’s all I gots ta say. And remember if you need good quality repairs on your mode of vehicular transportation or need some place to store your boat, RV, or expensive pieces of jewelry, be sure to call LoDucca Brothers.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Lollipop Love
“Hi, I’m Hank and I’m a werewolf.”
[Everyone: Hi Hank!]
“I’m… Uh… Wow, this is tougher than I thought… Okay, I’m just going to come right out and say it…”
[Person in the crowd: So say it already!]
“I was working up to it! This isn’t easy and you’ll understand when I finally say it… All right… Out with it…
“I’m in love with a lollipop!”
[Same person: A what?]
“A lollipop. What’s with all the blank stares? Geez, don’t you people know what a lollipop is?”
[Miguel: I know-]
“Besides you, Miguel… Man, don’t any of you people ever go out or read anything in the press? A lollipop is a vampire!
“You guys still don’t get it? It’s like this. A vampire is a blood sucker. People shorten blood sucker to sucker. And a sucker is another word for a lollipop. See? It’s simple.
“I can see by your faces that this isn’t sinking in. Let’s just say vampires would rather be called lollipops than scabbies. At least the girls would. And that’s what I want to tell you about. I’m in love with a girl vampire!
“I’d been looking around for a script writer to infect with ALPS so we could get a big, sympathetic movie made about us. And with that stupid editorial calling for internment of all of us, I figured it was more important than ever to find the script writer fast! I did some searching around on the internet. By the way, thanks for fixing my computer again, Miguel!"
[Miguel: No prob, dude.]
“Anyway, I’d found this guy, Luke Dorn, who was taking a break from Hollywood for a few months. He came here to teach writing for a semester at a local college and work on a book he was writing. Anyway, I tracked-“
[Miguel: You tracked?]
“Okay, I told Miguel about the guy and he tracked him down somehow. I think Miguel used his computer but I don’t know. Anyway, once I knew where Luke lived and worked, I watched him for a while to figure out his habits. It turns out he always hits a sports bar on Monday nights to watch football. I started going to same bar and it wasn’t too hard to manage to meet him and get him talking. That’s an essential skill for a used car salesman! Besides, he made it easy. He always wore a Philadelphia Eagles hat and jacket. I just showed up wearing the same and he did most of my work for me.
“Anyway, we became good buddies. I wasn’t faking that, either. Luke turned out to be a good guy. Nice enough I was starting to feel sorry I had to infect him with ALPS. Last Monday, I suggested we meet at his apartment after work and grab a bite to eat before the game. That way I could bite him in private and not give the papers any more bad stuff to write about us.
“I showed up at Luke’s place at 6:30 and he offered me a beer while he finished up something. I kicked in a little of the power just to sense if he was nervous or anything. And right then the door opened and a woman walked in. A really good looking woman.
“Luke said, ‘Oh, good. I was hoping you’d get home in time! Hank, this is my sister Michelle.’
“But we weren’t paying attention to Luke. Michelle glared at me and said, “Alpo.” I glared back and said, “Scabbie.” Luke was just looking back and forth between us looking confused when Michelle leaped at me.
“She knocked me back into the wall but I just used it to push off and hit her hard, knocking her down. Next thing, we were rolling all around trying to get an advantage on the other. I really wanted to fully transform, but you know how you have to give it all your concentration for a second or so to transform if the moon isn’t full? Well, I figured if I took that second or so, she’d rip my throat out or something.
“In the background, I think Luke was shouting at us. He was probably trying to figure out what was going on, too. Can’t say I blame him. I mean, his sister and his new friend were rolling around on the floor, breaking his furniture and trying to kill each other. It’d probably freak out any normal.
“Michelle and I rolled up against this monster couch that Luke had and everything stopped for a second. She was lying on top of me, trying to pin my arms to the floor. We were both panting and I’ll bet I had the same wild, uncontrolled look in my eyes that she had in hers. I could feel blood rolling down the side of my cheek from a cut. Then it was like the whole world vanished for a few seconds. It just her and me, staring into each other’s eyes. That’s when she leaned down and licked the blood off my cheek. The look on her face told me everything.
“She was hungry and it was taking every bit of control she had to fight her natural instincts. I know how that feels. We all know how that feels. So I said, ‘Go ahead and feed. It’s okay. ’ I turned my head and offered my neck to her. That wasn’t easy to do, I’ll tell you!
“Her fangs popped out but she still hesitated. ‘I… I shouldn’t!’
“’Why not?’ I asked her. ‘Remember? I’m a werewolf. I’ll heal! Let yourself go. Everyone needs to do that every now and then.’
“I’ve got a better idea why vampires are having an easier time fitting in to noral society than we are. Having a vampire feed on you is… Well, it’s hard to describe. It hurts a bit at first but then it becomes really intimate. It’s not like sex, but it’s just as intimate.
“After a few minutes, it dawned on us that Luke was still in the room watching us. It was almost embarrassing. Kind of like being in college and having your roommate ignore the tie you left on the door knob and walked in at the wrong time. But Luke was embarrassed by it. Hell, he was busy scribbling in a notebook and muttering, ‘This is great stuff!’
“I won’t go over everything that happened afterwards, but get this. Luke’s going to write that screenplay we want! He’s going to put vampires in it, too, which makes sense considering his sister is one. It’s going to be about how alienated both groups are from normal society. I didn’t even have to give Luke ALPS to get him started! And I met a wonderful girl at the same time!
“I love it when a plan comes together!”
[Everyone: Hi Hank!]
“I’m… Uh… Wow, this is tougher than I thought… Okay, I’m just going to come right out and say it…”
[Person in the crowd: So say it already!]
“I was working up to it! This isn’t easy and you’ll understand when I finally say it… All right… Out with it…
“I’m in love with a lollipop!”
[Same person: A what?]
“A lollipop. What’s with all the blank stares? Geez, don’t you people know what a lollipop is?”
[Miguel: I know-]
“Besides you, Miguel… Man, don’t any of you people ever go out or read anything in the press? A lollipop is a vampire!
“You guys still don’t get it? It’s like this. A vampire is a blood sucker. People shorten blood sucker to sucker. And a sucker is another word for a lollipop. See? It’s simple.
“I can see by your faces that this isn’t sinking in. Let’s just say vampires would rather be called lollipops than scabbies. At least the girls would. And that’s what I want to tell you about. I’m in love with a girl vampire!
“I’d been looking around for a script writer to infect with ALPS so we could get a big, sympathetic movie made about us. And with that stupid editorial calling for internment of all of us, I figured it was more important than ever to find the script writer fast! I did some searching around on the internet. By the way, thanks for fixing my computer again, Miguel!"
[Miguel: No prob, dude.]
“Anyway, I’d found this guy, Luke Dorn, who was taking a break from Hollywood for a few months. He came here to teach writing for a semester at a local college and work on a book he was writing. Anyway, I tracked-“
[Miguel: You tracked?]
“Okay, I told Miguel about the guy and he tracked him down somehow. I think Miguel used his computer but I don’t know. Anyway, once I knew where Luke lived and worked, I watched him for a while to figure out his habits. It turns out he always hits a sports bar on Monday nights to watch football. I started going to same bar and it wasn’t too hard to manage to meet him and get him talking. That’s an essential skill for a used car salesman! Besides, he made it easy. He always wore a Philadelphia Eagles hat and jacket. I just showed up wearing the same and he did most of my work for me.
“Anyway, we became good buddies. I wasn’t faking that, either. Luke turned out to be a good guy. Nice enough I was starting to feel sorry I had to infect him with ALPS. Last Monday, I suggested we meet at his apartment after work and grab a bite to eat before the game. That way I could bite him in private and not give the papers any more bad stuff to write about us.
“I showed up at Luke’s place at 6:30 and he offered me a beer while he finished up something. I kicked in a little of the power just to sense if he was nervous or anything. And right then the door opened and a woman walked in. A really good looking woman.
“Luke said, ‘Oh, good. I was hoping you’d get home in time! Hank, this is my sister Michelle.’
“But we weren’t paying attention to Luke. Michelle glared at me and said, “Alpo.” I glared back and said, “Scabbie.” Luke was just looking back and forth between us looking confused when Michelle leaped at me.
“She knocked me back into the wall but I just used it to push off and hit her hard, knocking her down. Next thing, we were rolling all around trying to get an advantage on the other. I really wanted to fully transform, but you know how you have to give it all your concentration for a second or so to transform if the moon isn’t full? Well, I figured if I took that second or so, she’d rip my throat out or something.
“In the background, I think Luke was shouting at us. He was probably trying to figure out what was going on, too. Can’t say I blame him. I mean, his sister and his new friend were rolling around on the floor, breaking his furniture and trying to kill each other. It’d probably freak out any normal.
“Michelle and I rolled up against this monster couch that Luke had and everything stopped for a second. She was lying on top of me, trying to pin my arms to the floor. We were both panting and I’ll bet I had the same wild, uncontrolled look in my eyes that she had in hers. I could feel blood rolling down the side of my cheek from a cut. Then it was like the whole world vanished for a few seconds. It just her and me, staring into each other’s eyes. That’s when she leaned down and licked the blood off my cheek. The look on her face told me everything.
“She was hungry and it was taking every bit of control she had to fight her natural instincts. I know how that feels. We all know how that feels. So I said, ‘Go ahead and feed. It’s okay. ’ I turned my head and offered my neck to her. That wasn’t easy to do, I’ll tell you!
“Her fangs popped out but she still hesitated. ‘I… I shouldn’t!’
“’Why not?’ I asked her. ‘Remember? I’m a werewolf. I’ll heal! Let yourself go. Everyone needs to do that every now and then.’
“I’ve got a better idea why vampires are having an easier time fitting in to noral society than we are. Having a vampire feed on you is… Well, it’s hard to describe. It hurts a bit at first but then it becomes really intimate. It’s not like sex, but it’s just as intimate.
“After a few minutes, it dawned on us that Luke was still in the room watching us. It was almost embarrassing. Kind of like being in college and having your roommate ignore the tie you left on the door knob and walked in at the wrong time. But Luke was embarrassed by it. Hell, he was busy scribbling in a notebook and muttering, ‘This is great stuff!’
“I won’t go over everything that happened afterwards, but get this. Luke’s going to write that screenplay we want! He’s going to put vampires in it, too, which makes sense considering his sister is one. It’s going to be about how alienated both groups are from normal society. I didn’t even have to give Luke ALPS to get him started! And I met a wonderful girl at the same time!
“I love it when a plan comes together!”
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Underwere
“Hello, I’m Andrew, and I’m a were-bear.”
[Group snickers]
“Not a ‘Care Bear,’ damn it!” Sorry, I get that a lot. Anyway, I’ll just cut to the chase. For those of you who don’t know, this is my first time here… I guess it all started when I went to college. I’m sure you’ve heard of the freshman fifteen. Well, I got the freshman fifty. My sophomore year I gained another hundred pounds. By my senior year I weighed over four hundred pounds. Hair was growing all over my body, and I don’t mean in the annoying sex education video way. Fortunately that was the extent of the transformations at the time. ‘Cause the doctors I saw thought I just needed a diet. I told ‘em I tried dieting, but they wouldn’t listen. Maybe there was something to just being big-boned.
“After college I got a job in construction, on account of my ability to bench-press a small car. Yeah, I see the nervous looks on your faces now. That’s why you don’t make fun of a man telling his life story. But don’t worry. I’m over it. Really. Anyway, I worked nights at a gay strip club. Don’t know why, but for some reason some folks there liked me. A lot.
“That was when it all took a turn for the worse. One night near the end of the construction season I came home hammered and went to bed—I was sleeping on the floor after having broken several mattresses—and the next thing I knew I was out of a job. It went like this: I come in early in the morning, eat all the donuts—I was so hungry I could have eaten a horse… sorry Mr. Ed—and then one of my coworkers, Rick, comes up to me and says, ‘I doubt they’ll hire you again.’ I had no idea what he meant. None whatsoever. Soon though, I found out that I was late to work. Not that morning, mind you. Work wouldn’t have started for nearly an hour. It was more that I was several months late. Hibernation. Like Rip Van frickin’ Winkle, it’s great at the time, but later you wish you didn’t waste a significant portion of your life. Of course I took my frustration out on my boss—ate him, I did—and then I killed all my coworkers, ate bits and pieces from some of them too. Why are you all looking at me so funny? I’m on a strict salmon diet now. I swear.
[Nervous looks abound]
“Um… so, last week I was number one on the Threat Down on the Colbert Report. Anyone see my picture? Oh, you did? What do you mean you wonder whether or not Constitutional rights apply to were-folks? Second Amendment? What are you pulling out...? Aaahh! Lord no! My only regret is that I didn’t kill you all the moment I came in here…
[BLAM! Shortly thereafter another group member stands up]
“Hi, I’m Dave, and I’m a were-African lion. Remember the African part. Asiatic lions suck! Sorry about the mess, by the way. No thanks necessary for saving your lives. It’s what I do. You see, I’m a bounty hunter nowadays. I used to be a mascot though. You can guess who for. By the way, eat it Chicago! Sorry, you can see that I’m really into pride. It’s okay. You can laugh. It’s funny. Hey, all we need is a were-tiger, oh my!
“I don’t really have my story all prepared or anything. I just came here to kill the were-bear. But hey, you’re cool. You’re all cool. I think I’ll sit down and listen to what you have to say. Maybe I’ll come back next week for someone else. Just kidding! Jeez, you guys are twitchier than a freshly killed zebra! Sorry, I’ll stop now. Really, I will. I’ll come back next week—for real now—if this thing proves interesting. I won’t hurt anyone else. I’m not lyin’. Get it? I’m not ‘lion’? Wow. This crowd is tougher than a grandpa wildebeest. In all seriousness though, I’ve never eaten a were-person. Just normal people! Kidding. Only kidding. You’d think this was a support group for paranoid freaks. You know… batty people. Sorry if anyone is a were-bat.
“Hey, how about wearing clothes? I mean how it’s like for us were-types to wear clothes. Is there a were-clothes in here? HAHAHAHAHA! Just checking. Personally I don’t wear underwear. I mean shedding though. That is hell on the clothes. Embarrassing. I mean if that isn’t the elephant in the room here, what is? Well, except Dumbo over there… sorry.
“Man, this is pun! We should do this more often. See you soon. You won’t see me though. Not until it’s too late, anyway. Honestly, will you all calm down and stop sweating like pigs? You bunch of Chickens. Oops. I shouldn’t have said that. Hey, just wait until we get a powerful lobby in Washington, like the Jews. Hmm, Wilbur, are you kosher? Never again! We shall overcome! Were-pride! Peace out, dudes! Wait, just one more thing. Anyone want to take this thorn out of my paw? No takers? Uh oh, now something’s got the were-elephant all frightened.
[Group snickers]
“Not a ‘Care Bear,’ damn it!” Sorry, I get that a lot. Anyway, I’ll just cut to the chase. For those of you who don’t know, this is my first time here… I guess it all started when I went to college. I’m sure you’ve heard of the freshman fifteen. Well, I got the freshman fifty. My sophomore year I gained another hundred pounds. By my senior year I weighed over four hundred pounds. Hair was growing all over my body, and I don’t mean in the annoying sex education video way. Fortunately that was the extent of the transformations at the time. ‘Cause the doctors I saw thought I just needed a diet. I told ‘em I tried dieting, but they wouldn’t listen. Maybe there was something to just being big-boned.
“After college I got a job in construction, on account of my ability to bench-press a small car. Yeah, I see the nervous looks on your faces now. That’s why you don’t make fun of a man telling his life story. But don’t worry. I’m over it. Really. Anyway, I worked nights at a gay strip club. Don’t know why, but for some reason some folks there liked me. A lot.
“That was when it all took a turn for the worse. One night near the end of the construction season I came home hammered and went to bed—I was sleeping on the floor after having broken several mattresses—and the next thing I knew I was out of a job. It went like this: I come in early in the morning, eat all the donuts—I was so hungry I could have eaten a horse… sorry Mr. Ed—and then one of my coworkers, Rick, comes up to me and says, ‘I doubt they’ll hire you again.’ I had no idea what he meant. None whatsoever. Soon though, I found out that I was late to work. Not that morning, mind you. Work wouldn’t have started for nearly an hour. It was more that I was several months late. Hibernation. Like Rip Van frickin’ Winkle, it’s great at the time, but later you wish you didn’t waste a significant portion of your life. Of course I took my frustration out on my boss—ate him, I did—and then I killed all my coworkers, ate bits and pieces from some of them too. Why are you all looking at me so funny? I’m on a strict salmon diet now. I swear.
[Nervous looks abound]
“Um… so, last week I was number one on the Threat Down on the Colbert Report. Anyone see my picture? Oh, you did? What do you mean you wonder whether or not Constitutional rights apply to were-folks? Second Amendment? What are you pulling out...? Aaahh! Lord no! My only regret is that I didn’t kill you all the moment I came in here…
[BLAM! Shortly thereafter another group member stands up]
“Hi, I’m Dave, and I’m a were-African lion. Remember the African part. Asiatic lions suck! Sorry about the mess, by the way. No thanks necessary for saving your lives. It’s what I do. You see, I’m a bounty hunter nowadays. I used to be a mascot though. You can guess who for. By the way, eat it Chicago! Sorry, you can see that I’m really into pride. It’s okay. You can laugh. It’s funny. Hey, all we need is a were-tiger, oh my!
“I don’t really have my story all prepared or anything. I just came here to kill the were-bear. But hey, you’re cool. You’re all cool. I think I’ll sit down and listen to what you have to say. Maybe I’ll come back next week for someone else. Just kidding! Jeez, you guys are twitchier than a freshly killed zebra! Sorry, I’ll stop now. Really, I will. I’ll come back next week—for real now—if this thing proves interesting. I won’t hurt anyone else. I’m not lyin’. Get it? I’m not ‘lion’? Wow. This crowd is tougher than a grandpa wildebeest. In all seriousness though, I’ve never eaten a were-person. Just normal people! Kidding. Only kidding. You’d think this was a support group for paranoid freaks. You know… batty people. Sorry if anyone is a were-bat.
“Hey, how about wearing clothes? I mean how it’s like for us were-types to wear clothes. Is there a were-clothes in here? HAHAHAHAHA! Just checking. Personally I don’t wear underwear. I mean shedding though. That is hell on the clothes. Embarrassing. I mean if that isn’t the elephant in the room here, what is? Well, except Dumbo over there… sorry.
“Man, this is pun! We should do this more often. See you soon. You won’t see me though. Not until it’s too late, anyway. Honestly, will you all calm down and stop sweating like pigs? You bunch of Chickens. Oops. I shouldn’t have said that. Hey, just wait until we get a powerful lobby in Washington, like the Jews. Hmm, Wilbur, are you kosher? Never again! We shall overcome! Were-pride! Peace out, dudes! Wait, just one more thing. Anyone want to take this thorn out of my paw? No takers? Uh oh, now something’s got the were-elephant all frightened.
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