(The following editorial appeared in the Sunday, November 30, edition of the Chicago Tribune):
The McCarthy Park Massacre. All of our readers are, by now, thoroughly familiar with this unfortunate incident. All of our readers know the world of journalism lost Les Nesman in the Massacre. All of our readers know of the call from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) for a criminal investigation into publishing giant Rampant Loon’s role in the Massacre; a call the editors second most heartily. Despite the immediacy of these stories, they serve only to misdirect attention from the true issue.
What is to be done with those who have contracted Acquired Lycanthropic Polymorphism Syndrome, or ALPS as it is called in the popular press?
The editors are second to none in their compassion for the poor souls who, through no fault of their own, have contracted this dread disease. But compassion must be tempered with caution. Unlike cancer or AIDS, those who suffer from ALPS are a threat to the community around them. We fully understand that these wretched individuals are not to blame for their rampages. We fully understand their bestial alter egos are beyond their control. But we also fully understand the citizens of this city, this state, this country deserve to walk the streets without fear of attack.
Consider the toll paid in the McCarthy Park Massacre:
- Les Nesman, news reporter for NPR station WWSL
- George Sweeny, cameraman for WWSL TV
- Two pedestrians, identities still unknown
- 62 turkeys
- An unknown number of pigeons and squirrels
This toll is too high to pay once, yet similar stories are found in city after city across this great land of ours.
Therefore, the editors call upon the federal government to step forward and take ownership of problem. Until a cure is found, we call upon President-Elect Obama to put an end to the fear and horror. Until a cure is found, we call for a real War on Terror, a war on the terror ALPS brings to communities large and small, rich and poor, urban and rural. Until a cure is found, we call on President-Elect Obama to protect our husbands and wives, our sons and daughters. Until a cure is found, we call on President-Elect Obama to order the internment of all those who suffer from ALPS.
It's for the children.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Rampant Loon's Turkey Surprise!
The following was a live broadcast by WWSL's own Les Nesman, reporting from McCarthy Park:
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Notes from the Annual Thanksgiving Meeting
Henry:
"Greetings, all, and welcome to a very special meeting of the Friends of Lon. For any who haven't heard, we'll be meeting with another support group, the Mexican-American Were-Jaguars Anonymous, at McCarthy Park across from the Rampant Loon world headquarters. I'm told Rampant Loon has some special surprise in store for all of us!Sean:
"Before we leave for the park, I thought it would be a appropriate for each of us to briefly tell the group what we're thankful for. So, who would like to go first?"
"Hey all, this is Sean the were-hyena. It's that time of year again, Thanksgiving. Most of the year I find little to laugh at but there is something about the fall season that I love. I don't know if it the leaves changing color, the longer nights, or the cooler temperatures which means that hobos don't smell as bad and as an added bonus I can usually eat off of one for a few days before they start to turn.Henry:
"Thanksgiving is all about giving thanks, so I thought I would share with my fellow WCA members some things I'm thankful for.
"I'm thankful for my wife and family. I'm thankful for my house. I'm sorta thankful for my job. I'm thankful for the crisp snap of a fresh kidney. I'm thankful that the Adkins fad is ending, I mean everyone knows the real flavor comes from proper marbling. Am I right or what? But most of all I'm thankful for all of you here at the WCA.
"Lon bless and have a great holiday season!"
"That was beautiful, Sean, just beautiful, and I'm sure we can all agree about the importance of proper marbling. Now, who wants to go next?"Shannon:
"Hello friends and fellow were-creatures.Henry:
"Let’s face it. The highlight of Thanksgiving is, and always will be, The Turkey. Who wouldn’t love it, I mean, it’s a holiday that revolves around the slaughter and consumption of a large bird! But for those with ALPS it can be such a depressing time of year. When Grandma calls everyone to the table and places the large, carcass-laden platter in front of Grandpa to carve, I always feel such a sense of let down. It just looks so dead! Aunt Molly oohs and aahs about the beautiful golden color on the thing and I have to pretend I’m excited too… but I’m really thinking how revolting it looks. People spend so much time worrying about not overcooking the turkey so the white meat doesn’t dry out, but they miss the fact that the whole thing’s way too dry if it isn’t still warm and filled with its own pulsating natural juices!
"But you can’t just go out and get your own turkey. Not a live one that you can really sink your teeth into. They have to monopolize the whole process. You have few options other than going to the grocery store and picking up this frozen hunk of dead meat wrapped in plastic. Disgusting.
"That’s why I’m so thrilled about this celebration with all of you who understand what it’s like to feel this way. And I’m so excited about the turkey drop! This year we all get to experience Thanksgiving the way, I feel, it was meant to be celebrated! And best of all, it’s in this controlled environment, so we know no innocent bystanders will be harmed. I think that’s what the “others” are really worried about when they control the holiday anyway. They’re just so blissfully ignorant.
"Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!"
"Thank you, Shannon. That was wonderful. I'm sure we all have childhood memories like that, of the disappointment of finding out that the turkey was already dead and we wouldn't even get to play with the ax. But I think someone here has been tipped off about the little surprise that's been planned for later, and I think maybe we should try to keep it a secret for those who haven't been clued in yet.Hank:
"Okay, who wants to go next?"
"Hi, this Hank the werewolf. Ever since the director suggested each of us get up and tell what we're thankful for, I've been trying to figure out what to say. The problem is that I'm not really thankful for my job. I'm not thankful about the whole situation with Larry the were-bully. And I'm really not thankful for the way us people with ALPS are feared and hated by the normals.Henry:
"But that got me thinking and I realized there are a bunch of things I am thankful for. I'm thankful I found this group. Meetings of the Friends of Lon are high points for me each week. I'm thankful for the friends I've made here. Like Lucrezia, who always brings a different point of view to our meetings. Then there's Miguel, who's going to help me deal with the whole Larry situation and who fixes my computer when I screw it up. And killercutie16 just because she seems to have such a wonderful zest for life. And all the rest of you I haven't gotten to know quite as well, yet.
"Oh yeah, and I'm thankful I got the crap kicked out of me by Summer Glau. Because then she gave me a kiss! Now if I could just find a good script writer to infect with ALPS...
"So, happy Thanksgiving, one and all! Here's hoping you don't have to chase your turkey, bite its head off, rip open its rib cage and feast on its still beating heart!"
"As usual, Hank, I have no idea what to say after listening to you. I'm sure we're all happy you've found friends here in the WCA. And I know I speak for everyone when I say we are all entertained whenever it's your turn to speak!Jim:
"Who's next?"
"Hey, uh, hi... [THUMP THUMP THUMP] is this thing on? Okay, sorry. Seems fine.Henry:
"Uh, well. Okay. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.
"I have to say, this last year has been, uh, a little tough for me. So, I guess I have to first of all say that I'm thankful for you guys. I'm really amazed by the way I poured my heart out to you, and I wasn't ejected from the group or treated like a freak.
"Most of you know about my, uh, sexual urges. Sorry to all the were-cougar group... I probably shouldn't get into it. But, I have to say, that my tendency to be attracted to dogs and wolves and stuff hasn't kept me from a meaningful relationship with my wife, who's, uh, human, not a dog.
"And seriously, STOP staring at me like that. You in the front row, with the Devo shirt. Stop it!
"Freak.
"Okay, so, anyhow. All that to say, I'm really really thankful for my wife... she's stood by me even through my struggle... even that time at the Bark Park where I saw this smokin' hot doberman an...
"Sorry. Don't look at me like that, people! And Devo Boy - SHRIVEL UP!
"Where was I? Oh yeah. I'm thankful for my wife. She's actually here tonight, for the first time... she doesn't have ALPS, but she came to support me...
"Uh, hon? Anyone see her? Row three... okay, maybe she's in the bathroom or something?
"Paging Carol... paging Carol... okay, fine then! Whatever.
"Happy thanksgiving, folks."
"Okay. I think Jim's words more than speak for themselves.Mike:
So, moving right along, who wants to go next?"
"Hi all. I'm Mike. Maybe you remember when I told the real story behind Little Red Riding Hood? I haven't gotten up to speak since then, just been lending an ear and my support to everyone. But since everyone else is speaking, I thought I ought to, as well.Henry:
"I'm thankful I'm not having any problems dealing with ALPS. No problems I can't handle, anyway. And I'm thankful all of you gave such good feedback after I spoke about my ancestor, Peter Stumpp. I'm thankful all of you could understand and appreciate the problems my long ago ancestor faced.
"I'm also thankful I've learned so much about research while investigating my genealogy. After reading about Peter, I started wondering if any other folk tales and legends might actually be about werewolves, or at least people with ALPS. So I expanded my research and am tracking down a bunch of different stories and legends that are probably werewolf related. So I'm also thankful I'll have an appreciative audience when I present those stories, too.
"Happy Thanksgiving!"
"I don't know about the rest of the group, but I'm looking forward to your next presentation. I certainly enjoyed your more adult version of Little Red Riding Hood, particularly the whole carnal urges bit!Bill and Sharon:
"Have we got anyone else who wants to speak?"
Henry:
(An older middle-aged couple step forward together, holding hands.)
"Hello friends, I'm Bill!"
"And I'm Sharon!"
"So... Sharon... want me to do this?"
"No, Bill... I don't mind sharing."
"Go for it, babe."
(He kisses her on the cheek... the audience "aahs" their approval. She steps in front of the podium.)
"Hello all! A lot of nice things have been said tonight. And, I know you've heard our story before... how we met, fell in love, ate some cops and lived happily ever after.
"Well, it really wasn't all roses and champagne. I have to say, we felt really bad after the cop incident. I had indigestion for a week!"
(laughter from audience)
"Bill and I are a little further along in our lives than many of you. Back when we got ALPS, hardly anyone knew what to do with it. Now we have support groups, and muzzle locks, and all kinds of things that make life a little easier.
"But most of all, we have each other. We don't have to feel alone. I mean golly, girls! Remember how tough it used to be to find a good lycanthrope boy? Almost impossible!
"Bill and I feel strongly that knowledge is power. Awareness has been raised, even though we have a lot further to go. That's why I'm thankful for the many people that care about ALPS, care about how we feel, and allow some of our little foibles to be overlooked.
"Have a howling good Thanksgiving, fellow were-creatures!"
(They both step forward together and throw their heads back.)
"AROOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"That's so touching. I'm sure the rest of all wish we could as fortunate as you two. I know I'd love to meet that special woman with ALPS like Bill did!Miguel
"Anyone else want to speak?"
"Hi boys and girls... with fangs!Henry:
"So... as most of you know, I just joined this alpo group... oh geez, sorry, uh... ALPS group a little while ago, thanks to my friend Hank, and I want to say how much I really appreciate your acceptance.
"I suppose since I'm a second generation immigrant to this great nation, I should say something about how I'm "thankful to be in America, the land of the free." Well, I am grateful for that, I guess. Though seriously, it's not as free as we think it is. Man, you gotta like get a license to do ANYTHING here. It's like, every little thing requires a paid form and a permission slip. What's up with that?
(silence)
"Okay, well... guess that was off-topic. Sorry. Anyhow, I have to say, I'm thankful for the fact that I finally get to be just who I am. I'm like a minority among minorities here, and you guys are all so friendly and nice. You didn't get on my case about my past, or treat me like I'm second class or anything. I appreciate that a ton. It's like were-Martin were-Luther were-King were-Jr. said, uh, "ask not what you can do for your country..." Never mind, I can't remember what he said. Just that it was something good about equality.
"All right... peace out. If anyone needs some computer work done, give me a ring."
"Thanks, Miguel. We're glad you found us. And the WCA membership secretary wanted me to tell you she really appreciates you getting her computer fixed. He knows his stuff, folks!
"Is there anybody else who wants to speak? Anybody?
"Lucrezia? How about it? Don't shake your head. Come on, you'll be- yipe!
"O-o-o-okay. Lucrezia doesn't want to speak right now. Anyone else?
"No? Okay, then let's head over to the park and join the Mexican-American Were-Jaguars Anonymous group and find out about Rampant Loon's big Thanksgiving surprise!"
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Full Moon On a Cloudy Night
"Hi, I'm Hank. The werewolf. I've been up here a couple of times already and didn't think my turn would come around so fast. But the group director said I should plan on speaking, anyway. He said people always felt better about themselves after listening to me. That made me feel really good 'cause I wasn't sure my stuff was helping at all.
"I had to kind of scramble to figure out something to talk about tonight since I hadn't been thinking about it. Then I remembered something that happened back in college that kind of works with what's been going on in the country lately. So...
"You know I went a long way away for college so I could get away from Larry. He's the bully I accidentally turned into a werewolf in seventh grade. I went all the across the country to Berkeley and the University of California. I really didn't know that much about it before I got there, other than it was supposed to be a really good school and they sometimes had a good football team. Some people think it's silly, but I didn't know it was, like, the most liberal place on the face of the earth!
"I come from South Carolina, which isn't exactly what you'd call a big liberal stronghold. I was kind of libertarian in high school. The right to be left alone, particularly by bullies, really appealed to me. So I was used to being considered the 'liberal' guy. Man, was I in for a shock at Berkley!
"The city was so liberal they set up a reserved parking space right in front of the military recruiting office so protesters wouldn't have to walk so far to bitch and moan about the marines or the army. We just don't do things like that in the South. We've got respect for the people willing to join and serve! So, like I said, I went from being the liberal wacko at home to being some kind of right wing nut case at college. That's why I ended up making friends with a bunch of the Republicans on campus. I mean, what choice did I have?
"It was an overcast, chilly day in February, my freshman year, that it happened. I'd gone out with some of the buddies from the College Republicans to help put up signs for an appearance by Ann Coulter. I didn't really know much about her back then except she looked really hot and my friends said she was a real political smart ass. The posters all had a picture of Ann on them, plus the guys were going out for beer afterward. That's why I agreed to help.
"So, we spent a couple of hours putting signs up all over campus and were heading back for the beer when we saw them. It was some of the really big pain-in-the-ass, really far left wing guys who were always trying to break up the Republican meetings. They were coming along behind us and tearing down all the posters we had just put up! Man, that just pissed us off no end!
"They saw us about that time and just pointed and laughed at us. Called us a bunch of Hitler youth, ragged on us for being so intolerant and that sort of stuff.
"One of my buddies said, 'You know we can report you for all of this. You're taking down our signs, using hate speech and being intolerant.'
"This really fat guy who was sort of the groups leader said, 'You mean we're acting like Republicans?'
"I couldn't stand that guy. He was always so smug and superior. So I said, 'They have never taken down your signs! They don't call you communists or any other names. And they never try to shout you down when you're offering your stupid opinions like you do to them!'
"He just laughed, 'Why wouldn't we shout them down? We're the most tolerant people on earth and we can't just stand by and let people like you ruin that!'
"I just stared at him. 'Guys, we can't talk to morons like him. Let's just kick their asses and make them put the signs back up.'
"I know I sound pretty brave and all, but I knew I had an advantage on those guys. I could just unleash a bit of the ALPS and beat the crap out of them without any problem. But my friends didn't know that and there were more of them than us. So they hemmed and hawed a bit. And that's when it all went wrong.
"The fat guy shouted, 'You're going to kick my ass? My ass is way too big for a wimp like you to kick! See?'
"Then the fat guy turned around, dropped his pants and stuck his big ass out at us. The light from an outdoor lamp hit it just right and all I could see what a big, full moon in front of me. I couldn't help it. I transformed and totally lost control. It was lucky for the other guys that they were with fatty. I got so full devouring him that I didn't even bother to chase them. Of course, all that blood ruined the Ann Coulter posters, too.
"Well you can guess what happened next. I got called up before the administrators for it. Fortunately, my parents paid for a really good lawyer who claimed that mooning a person with ALPS could reasonably be considered hate speech. The college agreed to hush up the whole thing and drop all charges if I transferred to another college immediately. I decided I'd better get back to the South, but not too close to home. So I transferred to the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.
"That didn't work out so well, either, but that's another story."
"I had to kind of scramble to figure out something to talk about tonight since I hadn't been thinking about it. Then I remembered something that happened back in college that kind of works with what's been going on in the country lately. So...
"You know I went a long way away for college so I could get away from Larry. He's the bully I accidentally turned into a werewolf in seventh grade. I went all the across the country to Berkeley and the University of California. I really didn't know that much about it before I got there, other than it was supposed to be a really good school and they sometimes had a good football team. Some people think it's silly, but I didn't know it was, like, the most liberal place on the face of the earth!
"I come from South Carolina, which isn't exactly what you'd call a big liberal stronghold. I was kind of libertarian in high school. The right to be left alone, particularly by bullies, really appealed to me. So I was used to being considered the 'liberal' guy. Man, was I in for a shock at Berkley!
"The city was so liberal they set up a reserved parking space right in front of the military recruiting office so protesters wouldn't have to walk so far to bitch and moan about the marines or the army. We just don't do things like that in the South. We've got respect for the people willing to join and serve! So, like I said, I went from being the liberal wacko at home to being some kind of right wing nut case at college. That's why I ended up making friends with a bunch of the Republicans on campus. I mean, what choice did I have?
"It was an overcast, chilly day in February, my freshman year, that it happened. I'd gone out with some of the buddies from the College Republicans to help put up signs for an appearance by Ann Coulter. I didn't really know much about her back then except she looked really hot and my friends said she was a real political smart ass. The posters all had a picture of Ann on them, plus the guys were going out for beer afterward. That's why I agreed to help.
"So, we spent a couple of hours putting signs up all over campus and were heading back for the beer when we saw them. It was some of the really big pain-in-the-ass, really far left wing guys who were always trying to break up the Republican meetings. They were coming along behind us and tearing down all the posters we had just put up! Man, that just pissed us off no end!
"They saw us about that time and just pointed and laughed at us. Called us a bunch of Hitler youth, ragged on us for being so intolerant and that sort of stuff.
"One of my buddies said, 'You know we can report you for all of this. You're taking down our signs, using hate speech and being intolerant.'
"This really fat guy who was sort of the groups leader said, 'You mean we're acting like Republicans?'
"I couldn't stand that guy. He was always so smug and superior. So I said, 'They have never taken down your signs! They don't call you communists or any other names. And they never try to shout you down when you're offering your stupid opinions like you do to them!'
"He just laughed, 'Why wouldn't we shout them down? We're the most tolerant people on earth and we can't just stand by and let people like you ruin that!'
"I just stared at him. 'Guys, we can't talk to morons like him. Let's just kick their asses and make them put the signs back up.'
"I know I sound pretty brave and all, but I knew I had an advantage on those guys. I could just unleash a bit of the ALPS and beat the crap out of them without any problem. But my friends didn't know that and there were more of them than us. So they hemmed and hawed a bit. And that's when it all went wrong.
"The fat guy shouted, 'You're going to kick my ass? My ass is way too big for a wimp like you to kick! See?'
"Then the fat guy turned around, dropped his pants and stuck his big ass out at us. The light from an outdoor lamp hit it just right and all I could see what a big, full moon in front of me. I couldn't help it. I transformed and totally lost control. It was lucky for the other guys that they were with fatty. I got so full devouring him that I didn't even bother to chase them. Of course, all that blood ruined the Ann Coulter posters, too.
"Well you can guess what happened next. I got called up before the administrators for it. Fortunately, my parents paid for a really good lawyer who claimed that mooning a person with ALPS could reasonably be considered hate speech. The college agreed to hush up the whole thing and drop all charges if I transferred to another college immediately. I decided I'd better get back to the South, but not too close to home. So I transferred to the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.
"That didn't work out so well, either, but that's another story."
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Werechat II: The Plan
Hank: Miguel? You there?
Miguel: hey man
Hank: What did you think of the group meeting? Going to come back to the next one?
Miguel: maybe
Hank: Only maybe? Why?
Miguel: well... i'm a bit afraid of possible consequences
Miguel: i really spilled it, you know
Hank: Dude, you were nothing compared to what some people spilled!
Miguel: oh yeah?
Hank: One guy's got this thing for dogs now!
Hank: In a perverted way
Miguel: oh geez. like all dogs? or just cute ones?
Miguel: j/k
Hank: I don't think he cares.
Miguel: why would anyone share something like that?
Hank: And one guy told about how he and his fiance ripped apart a couple of mean deputies.
Miguel: dude!!!
Miguel: copkillers!
Hank: People like us have to let this stuff out!
Hank: Nah, the cops were being total dicks.
Miguel: maybe it would be better to keep it all in
Miguel: ah, thats normal
Miguel: for cops
Hank: And let it fester and and then you get even worse. It's a psycological fact!
Miguel: well... i dont know about that. but there is one reason to go back, i guess. maybe
Hank: You've got to have what the shrinks call an outlet or you'll go crazy!
Miguel: okay
Hank: Oh ho! And who is the one reason to go back?
Miguel: not you, of course
Hank: Better not be!
Miguel: but... that lady
Miguel: lucy?
Hank: Lucrezia?
Miguel: a longer name... starts w - yes! that's it
Miguel: kind of scary
Hank: Yeah, she's hot, isn't she?
Miguel: hot and scary, had nice clogs on, i notiecd
Hank: You got a thing about feet?
Miguel: no
Hank: Uh huh.
Miguel: i said no... just drop it
Hank: Ok. Dropping it. Geez!
Miguel: so... change subject... why do you care if i go back?
Miguel: really worried about my mental helth?
Hank: Sure.
Miguel: right
Hank: It looks bad for all of us if one of us goes crazy.
Miguel: you probably want to corner me and talk about spyware problems your having
Hank: Nope. You had me setup that scanner thing and it's doing okay.
Miguel: hard to mess up.
Hank: This is more about bullies and stuff. Like what you ran into as a kid. I had trouble with bullies, too.
Miguel: so... you dont want a rough alpo, then?
Miguel: *rogue
Miguel: okay
Hank: Dude, I TOLD you to STOP with the alpo bit!
Miguel: sorry lol
Hank: So anyway, I first found out I had ALPS when this kid was bullying me back in seventh grade.
Miguel: that sucks
Hank: His name was Larry and he had his own little gang.
Hank: Yeah, it did.
Miguel: tough guys always have their "little gangs"
Miguel: not so tough alone
Hank: Larry and his gang were trying to beat the crap out of me when I transformed for the first time.
Hank: I wouldn't know about that.
Miguel: and whipped them???
Hank: Worse, I bit them but didn't kill them.
Miguel: so you gave them alps?
Hank: Yeah. And Larry was the alpha.
Miguel: serves them right
Miguel: what did he get then?
Miguel: badger?
Hank: They were all werewolves like me.
Hank: But since Larry was alpha, I had to join his stupid pack.
Miguel: oh! thats right - my bad
Miguel: werewolf strain
Miguel: no you didn't!
Hank: And he made my life a living Hell until I got away by going across the country to college.
Miguel: lone wolf hank
Hank: Not as easy as you think, dude. Particularly when you've got seven or eight other wolves forcing you into the pack.
Miguel: you must have it bad. sometimes i hear the calls... but i can usually lock myself inside
Miguel: dont tell anyone
Hank: Larry's the guy I'd like to shoot with a dart gun filled with ALPS cure.
Miguel: then what... tear open his ribcage???
Hank: Oh yeah.
Miguel: geez
Hank: Or maybe just scare the crap out of him once he sees I'm in charge?
Miguel: thats better
Miguel: killing on acident is one thing. purpose is another
Hank: But the cure isn't out there yet so I've got another plan.
Miguel: go for it
Hank: Larry still runs his little gang down in South Carolina. That's where I grew up.
Miguel: okay
Hank: I figure I just need to show up with my own gang. A gang of good weres to take on Larry and his pack.
Miguel: like a micheal jackson video!
Hank: Probalby not.
Miguel: arooooooo!
Hank: I can't dance worth a darn.
Miguel: oh
Miguel: me either
Hank: Problem is I can't get anyone else in the group to join my gang of good guys.
Miguel: there probably thinking the same thing as me
Miguel: bad idea
Miguel: not worth it
Hank: I was hoping you'd join and others would follow.
Hank: What's wrong with the idea?
Miguel: why would i want to join?
Miguel: what about getting arrested???
Hank: Nah. Nobody likes Larry back at home. The cops would be glad he got his butt whupped.
Hank: Trust me.
Miguel: okay. but who would want to help? i dont have a gruge!
Hank: We're a support group! Don't you think you should support me in my hour of need?
Hank: I'd do the same for you!
Hank: Really.
Hank: I would.
Miguel: i appreciate it... but
Hank: But?
Miguel: not much for fighting
Hank: Ah, man. I'm never going to get my gang...
Miguel: well..
Hank: Yeah?
Miguel: promise me you wont go alone
Miguel: sounds dangerous
Hank: I never go home for that reason. My family comes up here to visit me, instead.
Miguel: thats just sad
Hank: I had to sneak out of town just to go to college.
Hank: So you won't join me gang of good weres?
Miguel: what if you beat him? will the others follow?
Hank: Sure. If you beat the alpha you become the alpha.
Miguel: you just need to beat him then
Miguel: alone
Hank: I don't know... I never could before and I bet he's still as mean and strong and stupid as ever!
Miguel: you need a delilah
Hank: A what?
Miguel: delilah. chick in the good book
Miguel: tricked samson
Miguel: made him weak and the enemies got him
Hank: I don't know what a chick could cut off of him that would let me kick his butt, though.
Miguel: i just think you need a trap, not a gang
Miguel: why am i helping you!!!
Hank: Cause you're my friend?
Miguel: your just sad
Hank: A trap. Hm...
Miguel: yes, im your friend
Miguel: ha ha ha hA HA HAHA!
Hank: I got to think on the trap idea for a while.
Miguel: i got it for you
Miguel: hence that laughter
Hank: Yeah?
Miguel: im delilah
Miguel: hee hee hee
Hank: You're not a cross dresser are you?
Miguel: no
Miguel: but on the net you can be anything
Hank: Oh!
Miguel: get my idea?
Hank: Yeah! Assuming Larry's smart enough to even use a computer.
Miguel: probably... not everyone has your problems.
Miguel: j/k
Hank: So you'll set up a rendezvous with him to lure him away from his pack then I kick his butt from an ambush?
Miguel: it could work
Miguel: i dont know if i want to be involved but it is a very fun idea
Hank: Yeah, it just might.
Miguel: listen... if you offer me something really good, ill help you
Hank: Glad you didn't suggest using Lucrezia as the Delilah cause she'd probably rip open both our rib cages!
Miguel: im low on work.
Miguel: ha ha ha ha ha
Miguel: i dont want her falling for anyone
Hank: What kind of work do you usually do?
Miguel: other than computers... sometimes fix other sutff
Hank: She wouldn't fall for Larry. She's got to have better taste than that!
Hank: Cars?
Miguel: girls like bad guys
Miguel: sure
Miguel: cars are easy
Hank: Yeah, but girls don't like morons.
Hank: At least smart girls don't.
Miguel: not good at chips and stuff, but classics are a breeze
Miguel: sometimes they dont realize until its too late
Hank: OK, let me check with my boss at the used car lot tomorrow. He's always moaning and groaning about the cost of fixing up some of the cars we get.
Miguel: okay
Miguel: get me a regular job and ill set the bait
Miguel: but i dont want to fight
Miguel: seriously
Hank: Deal.
Miguel: deal
Hank: I'll call you tomorrow once I talk to the boss.
Miguel: sounds fine. think lucrazia will be at the next meeting?
Hank: She never misses.
Miguel: cool. better go... ill see you then
Hank: OK. Cya
Miguel: later
Miguel: hey man
Hank: What did you think of the group meeting? Going to come back to the next one?
Miguel: maybe
Hank: Only maybe? Why?
Miguel: well... i'm a bit afraid of possible consequences
Miguel: i really spilled it, you know
Hank: Dude, you were nothing compared to what some people spilled!
Miguel: oh yeah?
Hank: One guy's got this thing for dogs now!
Hank: In a perverted way
Miguel: oh geez. like all dogs? or just cute ones?
Miguel: j/k
Hank: I don't think he cares.
Miguel: why would anyone share something like that?
Hank: And one guy told about how he and his fiance ripped apart a couple of mean deputies.
Miguel: dude!!!
Miguel: copkillers!
Hank: People like us have to let this stuff out!
Hank: Nah, the cops were being total dicks.
Miguel: maybe it would be better to keep it all in
Miguel: ah, thats normal
Miguel: for cops
Hank: And let it fester and and then you get even worse. It's a psycological fact!
Miguel: well... i dont know about that. but there is one reason to go back, i guess. maybe
Hank: You've got to have what the shrinks call an outlet or you'll go crazy!
Miguel: okay
Hank: Oh ho! And who is the one reason to go back?
Miguel: not you, of course
Hank: Better not be!
Miguel: but... that lady
Miguel: lucy?
Hank: Lucrezia?
Miguel: a longer name... starts w - yes! that's it
Miguel: kind of scary
Hank: Yeah, she's hot, isn't she?
Miguel: hot and scary, had nice clogs on, i notiecd
Hank: You got a thing about feet?
Miguel: no
Hank: Uh huh.
Miguel: i said no... just drop it
Hank: Ok. Dropping it. Geez!
Miguel: so... change subject... why do you care if i go back?
Miguel: really worried about my mental helth?
Hank: Sure.
Miguel: right
Hank: It looks bad for all of us if one of us goes crazy.
Miguel: you probably want to corner me and talk about spyware problems your having
Hank: Nope. You had me setup that scanner thing and it's doing okay.
Miguel: hard to mess up.
Hank: This is more about bullies and stuff. Like what you ran into as a kid. I had trouble with bullies, too.
Miguel: so... you dont want a rough alpo, then?
Miguel: *rogue
Miguel: okay
Hank: Dude, I TOLD you to STOP with the alpo bit!
Miguel: sorry lol
Hank: So anyway, I first found out I had ALPS when this kid was bullying me back in seventh grade.
Miguel: that sucks
Hank: His name was Larry and he had his own little gang.
Hank: Yeah, it did.
Miguel: tough guys always have their "little gangs"
Miguel: not so tough alone
Hank: Larry and his gang were trying to beat the crap out of me when I transformed for the first time.
Hank: I wouldn't know about that.
Miguel: and whipped them???
Hank: Worse, I bit them but didn't kill them.
Miguel: so you gave them alps?
Hank: Yeah. And Larry was the alpha.
Miguel: serves them right
Miguel: what did he get then?
Miguel: badger?
Hank: They were all werewolves like me.
Hank: But since Larry was alpha, I had to join his stupid pack.
Miguel: oh! thats right - my bad
Miguel: werewolf strain
Miguel: no you didn't!
Hank: And he made my life a living Hell until I got away by going across the country to college.
Miguel: lone wolf hank
Hank: Not as easy as you think, dude. Particularly when you've got seven or eight other wolves forcing you into the pack.
Miguel: you must have it bad. sometimes i hear the calls... but i can usually lock myself inside
Miguel: dont tell anyone
Hank: Larry's the guy I'd like to shoot with a dart gun filled with ALPS cure.
Miguel: then what... tear open his ribcage???
Hank: Oh yeah.
Miguel: geez
Hank: Or maybe just scare the crap out of him once he sees I'm in charge?
Miguel: thats better
Miguel: killing on acident is one thing. purpose is another
Hank: But the cure isn't out there yet so I've got another plan.
Miguel: go for it
Hank: Larry still runs his little gang down in South Carolina. That's where I grew up.
Miguel: okay
Hank: I figure I just need to show up with my own gang. A gang of good weres to take on Larry and his pack.
Miguel: like a micheal jackson video!
Hank: Probalby not.
Miguel: arooooooo!
Hank: I can't dance worth a darn.
Miguel: oh
Miguel: me either
Hank: Problem is I can't get anyone else in the group to join my gang of good guys.
Miguel: there probably thinking the same thing as me
Miguel: bad idea
Miguel: not worth it
Hank: I was hoping you'd join and others would follow.
Hank: What's wrong with the idea?
Miguel: why would i want to join?
Miguel: what about getting arrested???
Hank: Nah. Nobody likes Larry back at home. The cops would be glad he got his butt whupped.
Hank: Trust me.
Miguel: okay. but who would want to help? i dont have a gruge!
Hank: We're a support group! Don't you think you should support me in my hour of need?
Hank: I'd do the same for you!
Hank: Really.
Hank: I would.
Miguel: i appreciate it... but
Hank: But?
Miguel: not much for fighting
Hank: Ah, man. I'm never going to get my gang...
Miguel: well..
Hank: Yeah?
Miguel: promise me you wont go alone
Miguel: sounds dangerous
Hank: I never go home for that reason. My family comes up here to visit me, instead.
Miguel: thats just sad
Hank: I had to sneak out of town just to go to college.
Hank: So you won't join me gang of good weres?
Miguel: what if you beat him? will the others follow?
Hank: Sure. If you beat the alpha you become the alpha.
Miguel: you just need to beat him then
Miguel: alone
Hank: I don't know... I never could before and I bet he's still as mean and strong and stupid as ever!
Miguel: you need a delilah
Hank: A what?
Miguel: delilah. chick in the good book
Miguel: tricked samson
Miguel: made him weak and the enemies got him
Hank: I don't know what a chick could cut off of him that would let me kick his butt, though.
Miguel: i just think you need a trap, not a gang
Miguel: why am i helping you!!!
Hank: Cause you're my friend?
Miguel: your just sad
Hank: A trap. Hm...
Miguel: yes, im your friend
Miguel: ha ha ha hA HA HAHA!
Hank: I got to think on the trap idea for a while.
Miguel: i got it for you
Miguel: hence that laughter
Hank: Yeah?
Miguel: im delilah
Miguel: hee hee hee
Hank: You're not a cross dresser are you?
Miguel: no
Miguel: but on the net you can be anything
Hank: Oh!
Miguel: get my idea?
Hank: Yeah! Assuming Larry's smart enough to even use a computer.
Miguel: probably... not everyone has your problems.
Miguel: j/k
Hank: So you'll set up a rendezvous with him to lure him away from his pack then I kick his butt from an ambush?
Miguel: it could work
Miguel: i dont know if i want to be involved but it is a very fun idea
Hank: Yeah, it just might.
Miguel: listen... if you offer me something really good, ill help you
Hank: Glad you didn't suggest using Lucrezia as the Delilah cause she'd probably rip open both our rib cages!
Miguel: im low on work.
Miguel: ha ha ha ha ha
Miguel: i dont want her falling for anyone
Hank: What kind of work do you usually do?
Miguel: other than computers... sometimes fix other sutff
Hank: She wouldn't fall for Larry. She's got to have better taste than that!
Hank: Cars?
Miguel: girls like bad guys
Miguel: sure
Miguel: cars are easy
Hank: Yeah, but girls don't like morons.
Hank: At least smart girls don't.
Miguel: not good at chips and stuff, but classics are a breeze
Miguel: sometimes they dont realize until its too late
Hank: OK, let me check with my boss at the used car lot tomorrow. He's always moaning and groaning about the cost of fixing up some of the cars we get.
Miguel: okay
Miguel: get me a regular job and ill set the bait
Miguel: but i dont want to fight
Miguel: seriously
Hank: Deal.
Miguel: deal
Hank: I'll call you tomorrow once I talk to the boss.
Miguel: sounds fine. think lucrazia will be at the next meeting?
Hank: She never misses.
Miguel: cool. better go... ill see you then
Hank: OK. Cya
Miguel: later
Sunday, November 2, 2008
[A tall, lanky man, elderly and walking with a cane, moves slowly toward a lectern toward the front and on the left side of the room. His thin, graying hair pulled back in a ponytail seems incongruous with his pressed suit and neatly trimmed Van Dyke. Even with the lectern toward the middle of the room is a table with a slide projector, the bright light shining on the screen hanging down the wall at the front of the room and washing out the pale features of another man sitting off to the side of the table. The pale man's hand lightly holds a box with a cord attached leading back to the projector, and a bucket sits on the floor beside him.]
[Reaching the lectern, the tall man tentatively clears his throat and begins to speak.]
Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Graham Stewart, and the gentleman operating the slide projector is my colleague Roger Adams. We are from the British Royal Institute for ALPS Research, or BRIAR. Our main offices are located at Lancaster Gate in London, which we call BRIARGATE. Thank you all for granting us time for this little presentation. It's actually rather short, and I'll be happy to answer any of your questions at the end of it.
Roger, first slide, please?
[Slide: ALPS = Acquired Lycanthropic Polymorphism Syndrome]
ALPS, as you all well know, is an acronym for Acquired Lycanthropic Polymorphism Syndrome. But what does that long string of fancy academic words actually mean?
Next slide, please.
[Slide: ACQUIRED: Contracted, not inherited]
'Acquired' means you catch it. It isn't genetically inherited. ALPS babies are only infected during gestation through their mother's blood via the placenta, or during delivery whilst travelling through the birth canal. As of yet, we have encountered no cases where the virus was passed through mother’s milk. And the only strain of ALPS that a baby can have at birth is the same as that of the mother.
At least, that's what we used to think. More on this, later.
The other means of acquiring ALPS, as most of you are aware, is through direct contact with the bodily fluid of someone with ALPS. This is most frequently passed through saliva imparted by the non-fatal bite of a lycanthrope in animal form.
Next slide, please.
[Slide: LYCANTHROPIC (and other forms of shapeshifting)]
'Lycanthropic' is simply a noun modifier, to differentiate this type of shapeshifting from all others. It derives from the Greek lycos, meaning wolf, and anthropos, meaning man; literally, wolf-man. Though originally coined to describe the first known ALPS variant -- the werewolf -- it now commonly refers to all variants involving animal change (which is more properly termed 'therianthropy'), and distinguishes this type of polymorphism from the other types like Dopplegangerene, Vegetosis, Inanimania, and Blobulism.
Next slide, please.
[Slide: POLYMORPISM = SHAPESHIFTING]
'Polymorphism', again from the Greek polys, meaning many, and morphos, meaning form, is the ability to alter one's shape or appearance. In ALPS victims, this change is widely varied in both species and scope. What began with a werewolf mutated into different strains which gradually encompassed a myriad of mammalian forms including the weretiger, the werebear, and even the wereseal. Now, we are even finding an ever expanding array of non-mammalian strains; in fact, Roger, here, is a very rare werejelly. And some unfortunate individuals don’t ever develop the ability to control their changes, or even the ability to recover their human forms at all.
Next slide, Roger.
[Slide: SYNDROME: Fancy word for disease]
And finally, 'Syndrome'. In medical parlance, this word is often used to group sometimes widely varying symptoms that are yet indicative of a single disease. And when you think about it, you probably can't get any more different than the symptoms displayed by a werewolf and those of a wereslug, can you?
Next slide, please.
[Slide: History -- When And Where Did ALPS Originate?]
There is no scientific consensus on when or where the first case of lycanthropy arose. Legends, myths, and tales abound from cultures all over the world, from the weretigers of India to the werejaguars of the Amazon, and werewolves appear in records all over the world. Unfortunately, there is no clear indication of which ones were actually early cases of ALPS, and which ones may have been copycat stories passed along amongst ancient travelers. But using genetic regression, we can narrow the 'when' to approximately 3,000 years ago.
Next slide, please.
[Slide: How did ALPS originate?]
Probably the most significant finding by ALPS researchers to date is that ALPS is caused by a wildly mutating virus, one which carries with it portions of the DNA of other species. When infecting a new host, the virus rapidly propagates itself throughout the new system and subtly alters its genetic composition to incorporate whichever strain of the virus it carries. This infection can typically take up to a month, and the virus is most strenuously active during the full moon phase. The exact cause of this relationship is not know, but speculation is that reflected moonlight carries with it some additional radiation in the non-visible spectrum from reflected moon-rocks, that has either a strengthening or irritating effect on the virus.
While it is pure conjecture at this point, the genetic evidence seems to indicate that the original strain of this virus spliced small amounts of wolf DNA into a woman, possibly as the result of a bite…though the origin of the virus itself is unknown. We are fairly sure it was a woman, however, as that would have been the most likely way it would have become established and propagated to subsequent generations. Researchers have named this hypothetical Were-Eve, 'Leto', after the Greek goddess and mother of Apollo and Artemis, who turned herself into a wolf to evade Hera.
Sometimes, a particular strain is so virulent that it will even overthrow a previous ALPS infection, killing off the weaker form and taking its place. This is how a weretigress bitten by a werewolf can give birth to a lupic child rather than passing along her own variant, as happened in one of our latest case studies.
Ironically, this particular trait of the virus holds out the best hope for a cure to ALPS researchers. If we can replace more active strains with something more passive, or even totally innocuous, we hope to make monthly moonlit rampages a thing of the past. ALPS will become no more frightening – or deadly -- to the public than warts.
Next slide, Roger, please.
[Slide: What about non-wolves?]
But how did the original lycanthropic strain turn into all the other forms of ALPS which have manifested? Well, this is where our latest research efforts have been focused. It appears that the ALPS virus can also be passed along at birth without the accompanying animal DNA. Subsequent introduction of animal DNA at a later point in the person's life can occasionally activate the splicing mechanism. That is how Roger developed his variant; whilst swimming off the coast of his native Australia a few years ago, he was stung by an Irukandji jellyfish. Though his mother was a werehyena, the next full moon brought about a decidedly different change and he was lucky to have been able to fill a tub before it completed. Now he can control it with some effort, but he still carries a bucket with him for the occasional lapse. Unfortunately, the need to control his temper to avoid an involuntary transform has left him a bit of a spineless wimp. The "bite off his head, tear open his ribcage, and feast on his still-beating heart' is a bit of a cliché for ALPSies like him. For them, "fume silently" is a bit more par for the course.
Lights, please, Roger.
[Roger shuffles over to the wall switch, head bowed, and flips it up before shuffling back to his seat.]
Now, are there any questions?
- Written by Waterboy, posted by Henry
[Reaching the lectern, the tall man tentatively clears his throat and begins to speak.]
Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Graham Stewart, and the gentleman operating the slide projector is my colleague Roger Adams. We are from the British Royal Institute for ALPS Research, or BRIAR. Our main offices are located at Lancaster Gate in London, which we call BRIARGATE. Thank you all for granting us time for this little presentation. It's actually rather short, and I'll be happy to answer any of your questions at the end of it.
Roger, first slide, please?
[Slide: ALPS = Acquired Lycanthropic Polymorphism Syndrome]
ALPS, as you all well know, is an acronym for Acquired Lycanthropic Polymorphism Syndrome. But what does that long string of fancy academic words actually mean?
Next slide, please.
[Slide: ACQUIRED: Contracted, not inherited]
'Acquired' means you catch it. It isn't genetically inherited. ALPS babies are only infected during gestation through their mother's blood via the placenta, or during delivery whilst travelling through the birth canal. As of yet, we have encountered no cases where the virus was passed through mother’s milk. And the only strain of ALPS that a baby can have at birth is the same as that of the mother.
At least, that's what we used to think. More on this, later.
The other means of acquiring ALPS, as most of you are aware, is through direct contact with the bodily fluid of someone with ALPS. This is most frequently passed through saliva imparted by the non-fatal bite of a lycanthrope in animal form.
Next slide, please.
[Slide: LYCANTHROPIC (and other forms of shapeshifting)]
'Lycanthropic' is simply a noun modifier, to differentiate this type of shapeshifting from all others. It derives from the Greek lycos, meaning wolf, and anthropos, meaning man; literally, wolf-man. Though originally coined to describe the first known ALPS variant -- the werewolf -- it now commonly refers to all variants involving animal change (which is more properly termed 'therianthropy'), and distinguishes this type of polymorphism from the other types like Dopplegangerene, Vegetosis, Inanimania, and Blobulism.
Next slide, please.
[Slide: POLYMORPISM = SHAPESHIFTING]
'Polymorphism', again from the Greek polys, meaning many, and morphos, meaning form, is the ability to alter one's shape or appearance. In ALPS victims, this change is widely varied in both species and scope. What began with a werewolf mutated into different strains which gradually encompassed a myriad of mammalian forms including the weretiger, the werebear, and even the wereseal. Now, we are even finding an ever expanding array of non-mammalian strains; in fact, Roger, here, is a very rare werejelly. And some unfortunate individuals don’t ever develop the ability to control their changes, or even the ability to recover their human forms at all.
Next slide, Roger.
[Slide: SYNDROME: Fancy word for disease]
And finally, 'Syndrome'. In medical parlance, this word is often used to group sometimes widely varying symptoms that are yet indicative of a single disease. And when you think about it, you probably can't get any more different than the symptoms displayed by a werewolf and those of a wereslug, can you?
Next slide, please.
[Slide: History -- When And Where Did ALPS Originate?]
There is no scientific consensus on when or where the first case of lycanthropy arose. Legends, myths, and tales abound from cultures all over the world, from the weretigers of India to the werejaguars of the Amazon, and werewolves appear in records all over the world. Unfortunately, there is no clear indication of which ones were actually early cases of ALPS, and which ones may have been copycat stories passed along amongst ancient travelers. But using genetic regression, we can narrow the 'when' to approximately 3,000 years ago.
Next slide, please.
[Slide: How did ALPS originate?]
Probably the most significant finding by ALPS researchers to date is that ALPS is caused by a wildly mutating virus, one which carries with it portions of the DNA of other species. When infecting a new host, the virus rapidly propagates itself throughout the new system and subtly alters its genetic composition to incorporate whichever strain of the virus it carries. This infection can typically take up to a month, and the virus is most strenuously active during the full moon phase. The exact cause of this relationship is not know, but speculation is that reflected moonlight carries with it some additional radiation in the non-visible spectrum from reflected moon-rocks, that has either a strengthening or irritating effect on the virus.
While it is pure conjecture at this point, the genetic evidence seems to indicate that the original strain of this virus spliced small amounts of wolf DNA into a woman, possibly as the result of a bite…though the origin of the virus itself is unknown. We are fairly sure it was a woman, however, as that would have been the most likely way it would have become established and propagated to subsequent generations. Researchers have named this hypothetical Were-Eve, 'Leto', after the Greek goddess and mother of Apollo and Artemis, who turned herself into a wolf to evade Hera.
Sometimes, a particular strain is so virulent that it will even overthrow a previous ALPS infection, killing off the weaker form and taking its place. This is how a weretigress bitten by a werewolf can give birth to a lupic child rather than passing along her own variant, as happened in one of our latest case studies.
Ironically, this particular trait of the virus holds out the best hope for a cure to ALPS researchers. If we can replace more active strains with something more passive, or even totally innocuous, we hope to make monthly moonlit rampages a thing of the past. ALPS will become no more frightening – or deadly -- to the public than warts.
Next slide, Roger, please.
[Slide: What about non-wolves?]
But how did the original lycanthropic strain turn into all the other forms of ALPS which have manifested? Well, this is where our latest research efforts have been focused. It appears that the ALPS virus can also be passed along at birth without the accompanying animal DNA. Subsequent introduction of animal DNA at a later point in the person's life can occasionally activate the splicing mechanism. That is how Roger developed his variant; whilst swimming off the coast of his native Australia a few years ago, he was stung by an Irukandji jellyfish. Though his mother was a werehyena, the next full moon brought about a decidedly different change and he was lucky to have been able to fill a tub before it completed. Now he can control it with some effort, but he still carries a bucket with him for the occasional lapse. Unfortunately, the need to control his temper to avoid an involuntary transform has left him a bit of a spineless wimp. The "bite off his head, tear open his ribcage, and feast on his still-beating heart' is a bit of a cliché for ALPSies like him. For them, "fume silently" is a bit more par for the course.
Lights, please, Roger.
[Roger shuffles over to the wall switch, head bowed, and flips it up before shuffling back to his seat.]
Now, are there any questions?
- Written by Waterboy, posted by Henry
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