(The following editorial appeared in the Sunday, November 30, edition of the Chicago Tribune):
The McCarthy Park Massacre. All of our readers are, by now, thoroughly familiar with this unfortunate incident. All of our readers know the world of journalism lost Les Nesman in the Massacre. All of our readers know of the call from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) for a criminal investigation into publishing giant Rampant Loon’s role in the Massacre; a call the editors second most heartily. Despite the immediacy of these stories, they serve only to misdirect attention from the true issue.
What is to be done with those who have contracted Acquired Lycanthropic Polymorphism Syndrome, or ALPS as it is called in the popular press?
The editors are second to none in their compassion for the poor souls who, through no fault of their own, have contracted this dread disease. But compassion must be tempered with caution. Unlike cancer or AIDS, those who suffer from ALPS are a threat to the community around them. We fully understand that these wretched individuals are not to blame for their rampages. We fully understand their bestial alter egos are beyond their control. But we also fully understand the citizens of this city, this state, this country deserve to walk the streets without fear of attack.
Consider the toll paid in the McCarthy Park Massacre:
- Les Nesman, news reporter for NPR station WWSL
- George Sweeny, cameraman for WWSL TV
- Two pedestrians, identities still unknown
- 62 turkeys
- An unknown number of pigeons and squirrels
This toll is too high to pay once, yet similar stories are found in city after city across this great land of ours.
Therefore, the editors call upon the federal government to step forward and take ownership of problem. Until a cure is found, we call upon President-Elect Obama to put an end to the fear and horror. Until a cure is found, we call for a real War on Terror, a war on the terror ALPS brings to communities large and small, rich and poor, urban and rural. Until a cure is found, we call on President-Elect Obama to protect our husbands and wives, our sons and daughters. Until a cure is found, we call on President-Elect Obama to order the internment of all those who suffer from ALPS.
It's for the children.
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11 comments:
This is appalling! I can't believe they want to lock us up.
I agree completely, Jim! This is the kind of thing I've been afraid would happen. That's why I keep trying to find a way to bring some good publicity to our cause. And now we've got to fight tooth and claw against something like this.
Um, by "fight tooth and claw" I don't really mean we should all transform and slaughter the editors who wrote this. Though maybe- No, we couldn't.
Oh, this would be a very bad idea.
To confine ALPS suffers with no outlet for their "Needs" would be very bad.
Very, very bad.
You don't think....they, uhm, the government would put us in some sort of zoo, do you?
They can go ahead and try it. The first bozo who signs anything will be joining us right quick.
The more I think about this, the more I think it's a stupid suggestion. I mean, how would the government round up everyone? They'd have to do 300 million blood tests to figure out who had ALPS and who didn't. And what are the chances that we ALPSers would cooperate? Sure, there would be some lame sheep in werewolves clothing who'd go along with anything the government told them to do, but most of us would resist. And we can resist really well!
But this does show that the ALPS community has to fight back with positive PR or we're going to be fighting this kind of idea for decades to come!
Excellent idea Hank. How do we do this and when do we start?
Well, I've been trying to find a good screen writer to bite and bring into the pack for a while now. Maybe you remember me mentioning it? Then the screen writer could write a good ALPS screen play, the movie makes big bucks and everyone starts liking us!
Or, if you want to go low key, I guess we could request the newspaper allow us to write a rebuttal to their editorial.
Oooh, clever idea. Kinda like what Stephanie Meyer did for vampires with the Twilight series and movie.
She has were-wolves in it. And they are the good guys.
I think I've got a line on a local screen writer who might fit the bill. I'll report to the group once I've had a chance to check him out.
I know a guy too. I could get him to write it, but I'm partial to overthrowing the government instead. They can't stop us. We are too powerful. Besides, if you want to sink low enough, we could always pull a switcheroo on PETA and have them call for our protection.
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