Miguel's Tale

Hi, my name is Miguel, and I’m an alcoholic.

(EVERYONE: Whaaa…?)

Just kidding. I’m actually a were-wolf.

(Sighs of relief.)

Yeah, so… I don’t know why I’m here, so… uh… what am I supposed to do next?

(HANK: Tell your story!)

Ah yeah, makes sense. Thanks, Hank. So, okay… I guess I'm a were-wolf. Been that way for maybe ten years. I think I got ALPS from another kid I used to skateboard with. We got in a fight over who had the better moves… and he suddenly went all animalistic and bit me. Of course, I had broken his board first, so it was probably justified. But I didn’t know what I’d gotten into until a couple of weeks later.

See, I came from Texas before I moved here unexpectedly. Always a little bit of funky race relations issues there, you know, between the natives and the immigrants. And even though I’m legal… hey, I’ve still got the Mexicano roots, so it’s an easy mistake. Anyhow, let’s just say I got tagged as something I’m not.

Normally, when I see trouble, I avoid it. I don’t care to fight. Live and let live, you know? But this time wasn’t good. I was walking home from high-school. On the way, there’s a rough neighborhood. One of those lower-middle-class mixed neighborhoods where a lot of punks are looking to fight. And I happened to be there.

There were probably eight kids. Two black guys and maybe six gringos. One of 'em yells “Hey wetback!” And I’m like… whatever. Sticks and stones. So I keep walking. And they’re like, “Yeah, you! Why aren’t you mowing a lawn or something?”

Still… whatever. I kept walking.

Then I got hit with a rock. Don’t know who threw it… but I just wanted to get home. I’m walking fast, but the kids aren’t going to let me go. No adults around… and nothing I can use as a weapon. Like anything would help much against all those kids. Most of them bigger than me. So… I look for an escape. Nothing. There’s a tall fence on one side, apartment wall on the other. The kids are on the other sidewalk, now walking across the street, yelling stupid stuff. I finally turn around. There’s not a good exit from this, so might as well get in some licks, you know? So, I’m like "Hey! Leave off! I’m just going home. Go kick a dog or something!"

Then the biggest one, this stupid-looking meathead, is like, “Maybe we’ll kick you.”

Which is, of course, what I figured they were going to do. So now they’re all around me in a circle, right… I know I can’t get away. So I’m like, “Why don’t you all just calm down. I didn’t do anything to you. And besides, this isn’t a fair fight! Eight to one?”

The one guy shoves me. I play cool, don’t hit back, thinking… man I don’t want a one-sided fight like this. Then another kid jumps on my back from behind – and the jerk that shoved me tries to kick me in the nuts.

And that’s when it happened.

Like lightning, I’ve snapped around and I got this kid’s neck in my teeth… and I clamp down and grind and then I feel his spine start to… uh… wait a second.

You know, I’ve probably said enough. Uh… I just got into the story, you know? I really didn’t, uh, bite anyone…

(AFFIRMATIONS FROM GROUP: It’s okay… we’ve all been there. You can go on… this is a tolerant group! No one’s going to turn you in!)

Yeah, well… I’m not proud of what I did… I don’t know if I want to glorify it.

(FEMALE VOICE: Getting your past out into the open is the first step to healing!)

I don’t know if I need to be healed.

(HANK: Just tell them your story, dammit! It was getting interesting.)

Okay, okay. So anyhow… I guess I sort of bit his head off. And was absolutely horrified by the fact I’d done that… and that it happened so naturally. Just like driving to a place you’d been a million times before. Autopilot.

I looked at the head on the ground, the horrified faces in a circle around me, felt the body slide off my back in slow motion… and then I saw my hands. They were like a dog’s paws.

I was a freakin’ werewolf! And I was suddenly mad as hell! It was like… all my judgment left me, and all that I had left was anger. Anger at being singled out… anger at getting jumped because I was different… anger at not having my dad around…

And so help me, I tore three more kids to pieces. I wolfed down their probably marijuana-laced punk flesh, enjoying every mouthful… until I started to come out of it. I was alone, with some dead kids on the ground. A couple of people were looking at me from their windows. And I was suddenly ill. I got up and ran like anything… ran home… crying... blood all over me…

By the time mi Abeula saw me, I was back to human, I guess. But I looked a mess.

I think she knew what I was. But if she did, she never said a word. She just packed me a lunch... and gave me the keys... and I left. I never had another incident quite like that… except for that time the cable guy… uh, never mind.

So… uh… that’s my story. I keep it stuffed, play it cool, avoid fighting. I also stay away from Texas. And mostly I just fix computers now. And hope to God I never get cornered and mad at the same time.

Okay, uh… is that it? Do I need to talk about my mother? No? Alright, cool. Peace out.

Werechat: The Recruit

Miguel: so... why did you write me? laptop in the pool again?

Hank: No. And I didn't throw it in the pool. It slipped!

Miguel: whatever

Hank: Anyway, I think I've a virus thing.

Miguel: okay... and you need it fixed... and youre probably not going to pay right away, right?

Hank: I can pay you on Tuesday. Or maybe I can do something for you in exchange?

Miguel: like mow my lawn lol

Miguel: hmm

Miguel: actually... there is something, maybe

Hank: Yeah? I'd love to help you out if I can!

Hank: I mean "love" like in "really like to a lot" not like, sex love.

Miguel: im not sure youre the right guy, but you sell cars, yeah?

Miguel: ha... better not be

Hank: Yeah, I sell cars. You looking, cause I can set you up with something nice!

Miguel: not me

Hank: Oh. Who?

Miguel: angel... you maybe met him once... friend

Hank: Angel? Is that the blond with the big ti- chest?

Miguel: no

Miguel: that was my mother

Miguel: shes available too

Hank: No. I'm sure I'm thinking about someone else.

Miguel: yeah... this is a guy.

Hank: A guy? At least he'll know something about cars, right?

Hank: The chicks never do.

Miguel: of course. he used to fix them up for a while. tired of beaters now.

Miguel: no... girls never know them

Hank: What's he looking for? Late model pre-owned? New? American? Import? Sporty? Family car?

Miguel: anything that doesn't look like an alpo rig

Miguel: no mad max stuff

Hank: What's that supposed to mean?

Miguel: you never saw that movie

Miguel: ?

Hank: Mad Max? Yeah. I meant the other bit. Alpo rig.

Miguel: oh you know... no hairy freak road warriors

Miguel: aroooooo!

Hank: You know what? Maybe I don't need your help after all. There's a guy that works at the Starbucks who says he's good with computers. Maybe I'll call him.

Miguel: whys that?

Hank: I don't think your lame ass "joke" was funny. ALPS isn't a joke, Miguel.

Miguel: lighten up dude

Miguel: i could make fun of your paleness

Miguel: wait a sec...

Hank: That would be a lot better than sniping on people just cause they have a disease!

Miguel: you got that thing???

Hank: What if I do? You sure wouldn't know it unless I went all "hairy freak" on you, ripped off your head and feasted on your still beating heart!

Miguel: ha ha ha, your crazy, man

Miguel: you can control it better than that, right?

Hank: Yeah. Crazy like a wolf.

Miguel: i mean... its not that bad all the time

Hank: Have I ever ripped off your head or eaten your still beating heart?

Miguel: come on, you're kidding me about having it

Hank: Yeah, sure. I'm kidding.

Hank: Or not.

Hank: How would you know?

Miguel: i got a friend maybe?

Hank: Yeah, who wants to buy a car.

Miguel: just tell me if you have it

Hank: Why? So you can yell "Alpo" and "aroooo" at me next time you see me?

Miguel: no man im not like that

Miguel: i just make jokes sometimes

Miguel: easier that way

Hank: Easier than what?

Miguel: i dont know

Hank: Hey, are you saying you've got ALPS too?

Miguel: only if you have it

Miguel: if not then no

Hank: Geez, is this fifth grade again?

Miguel: this conversation is too weird for me

Hank: Okay, yes, I have ALPS. Are you satisfied? Now you know enough to ruin me in this city.

Miguel: YES I HAVE IT

Miguel: okay now we're even

Hank: And you're trying to hide it and are ashamed of it, right?

Miguel: shouldnt I be???

Hank: Hell no!

Miguel: its like having aids that bites people.

Hank: You're one of God's creatures, just as much as the next guy!

Miguel: if the next guy was a freak

Hank: You need some help with your self esteem, man.

Hank: And I know just the place to get it!

Miguel: i dont do drugs

Hank: Not drugs. No drugs. We've got this group that meets once a week to help us all come to terms with our ALPS.

Miguel: sounds a little gay

Miguel: or.. maybe i shouldn't say that

Miguel: are you gay too?

Hank: No. I like girls a lot.

Miguel: good. but a group therapy thing sounds gay

Hank: No, it's not group therapy. It's a chance to tell others what you've gone through, see that they've gone through the same thing and we have a kick ass social afterwards.

Hank: There are plenty of women, too!

Miguel: okay

Miguel: alpo girls?

Hank: Okay, youve' got to stop using "alpo."

Miguel: why?

Hank: It's like the "n" word to us.

Miguel: not to me...

Miguel: im a wetback alpo. lol

Hank: If you want to fit in with the group, you're going to have to stop using the term. If nothing else, it will piss off all the women.

Miguel: okay... id do it for the ladies. ha ha

Hank: Good man.

Miguel: but not for you

Miguel: so...

Miguel: about that car...

Hank: Oh, another good thing about the group is that members are always willing to give an alibi if you do end up devouring someone.

Hank: Oh, yeah, the car.

Miguel: okay.... i dont devour anyone anymore...

Miguel: i mean ever

Miguel: never did that ever

Hank: Right...

Werewolf Geneology or Little Red Riding Hood Revisited

"Hi everyone. My name is Mike Stump and I'm a werewolf."

[Everyone: "Hi Mike!"]

"I'm not really here to talk about any problems I'm having because I'm a werewolf. I know that's what these meetings are supposed to be about, but I wanted to talk about something else. When I discussed it with the group director, Bruce thought you'd all be interested in what I have to say.

"See, I'm into genealogy, digging into the past to find out how my ancestors lived and how having ALPS affected them. I managed to trace my family back to Germany and the infamous werewolf Peter Stumpp. And, from the blank looks on your faces it's obvious you have no idea who Peter Stumpp was. I'll get around to that soon. Anyway, while digging through ancient family records in Germany, I managed to find an account written by Peter, himself. It had been hidden inside the cover of a family Bible and I only found it because I, uh, dropped the Bible and broke the cover.

"Peter's account, though, turns out to be the real source of the old fairy tale Little Red Riding Hood. And Peter was the wolf! I thought this was the kind of story others with ALPS would want to hear, which is why I came tonight. I've updated the language but that's all I changed.

"I had gone for an afternoon walk in the woods, as was my wont, putting the trials of daily survival behind me for a short while."

[Person in the group: "I though it was this Peter Stomp guy who was the wolf."]

"I'm telling the story in first person. And it's Stumpp, not Stomp."

[Person in the group: "Huh?"]

"As if I were Peter. God, don't they teach English in this country any more? Now, if we're done with interruptions? Good.

"Once I had walked deep into the forest, I would transform and run wild and free, as far from the concerns of man as it is possible for a man to be. On this particular day, I was about to transform when the unexpected occurred. A beautiful, golden haired young woman wearing a red traveling cloak ran out of some bushes. She was looking over her shoulder so ran right into me before she realized I was there. I caught her before she could fall, steadying her. I must admit, I enjoyed holding her.

"She turned toward me, wide eyed, as if afraid. After casting her eyes upon me, she calmed down and spoke to me, 'Oh good sir, thanks be to God that you are here! There is a huntsman pursuing me through the forest and I am afraid! W-would you consent to escort me for the rest of my journey?'

"I readily agreed to do so. Any man who found himself with his arms filled by a beautiful young woman would have done the same. 'Where are you going, my lady?' I asked.

"She replied, 'I was returning to my village, but my flight from the huntsman has taken me in the opposite direction. My grandmother's cottage is nearby in the forest. If you could but escort me there, I would be most grateful!'

"I thought it odd that her grandmother lived alone in the forest, but many people do grow eccentric in their elder years. Once again, I readily agreed to her request. I knew she would be safest were I to fully transform, yet I also knew this would utterly terrify an already frightened woman. Instead, I claimed but a fraction of my power, enhancing my senses and strength. The young woman's scent nearly overwhelmed me. Tension and fear, I expected. But they were intertwined with carnal excitement. Consideration for how my fortune may turn upon our arrival at the cottage ended as I identified another, more distant human scent. A man's scent."

[Person in the crowd: "Uh, 'scuse me? What's 'carnal excitement' mean?"]

"It means the young woman was feeling lustful urges."

[Person in the crowd: "Lustful urges? Is that a fancy way of saying she was horny?"]

"Yes, if you insist on using vulgar language. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to continue with the story.

"Asking directions to her grandmother's cottage, I began hurrying the woman along. 'Your fears are well founded, my lady. There is, indeed, a man following your trail!'

"At my declaration, her fear intensified. 'How do you know this, good sir?' she asked me.

"I smiled reassuringly down at her, 'I am quite comfortable in the forest. But have no fear, my lady, this huntsman shall not harm you while I yet breath!'

"She smiled bravely and huddled closer within my arms. Saying nothing further, she directed me toward the cottage. During the next hour, the man's scent stayed behind us, growing no closer. Then we came to the cottage. It was small, most likely a single room, but looked well kept. At the sight of it, the young woman rushed toward the door, pulling me along eagerly. 'Come, sir! Let us enter and bar the door before the huntsman arrives,' she said.

"Propelled toward the door, I asked, 'Should you not knock and announce your presence to your grandmother? Surely she will receive quite a start if we rush in like this!'

"The woman replied, 'My grandmother is not home at present. She has gone to the village to visit my mother and will not return for several days.'

"Despite our situation, a part of me once again considered if I would find increased fortune within the cottage. We entered the cottage and I quickly placed the heavy wooden bar in place across the door. Leaning back against the door, the woman released a sigh of relief. Then she fell into my arms, embracing me warmly and thanking me. Once again, the scent of carnal excitement washed over me. Her face turned up, her lips sought mine and I was lost in the wonder of her beauty.

"I know not whether a minute or an hour passed during our embrace. We both withdrew from it breathless and flushed with pleasure. 'My lady,' I began, 'we need not do this. Your safety is all the thanks I need!'

"She smiled up at me and said, 'You are quite the gentleman, good sir! But fear not, I do this not for thanks but because I wish to!'

"She began gently pushing me toward the only bed in the cottage, saying, 'I shall help you disrobe and tuck you comfortably into the bed. Afterwards, I shall disrobe for you. I have been told men find that an enjoyable spectacle.'

"She did as she proposed, taking pleasure in each part me she uncovered until I stood before her clad only as God has chosen to clad us all. As she tucked me into the bed, she seemed pleased at my body's natural reaction to our situation. Then, I watched as the red cloak fell to the floor. Her hands teased at the fastenings of her blouse and she swayed to and fro with an intoxicating rhythm. Just as she loosened the neck of her blouse, we were both startled by a pounding on the door.

"Quickly pulling her blouse neck tight again, the woman called, 'Who is it?'

"The responding voice was deep and male, 'You know the answer very well, my dear! Come, let me enter.'

"Hand flying to her mouth, she whispered, 'Oh no! It is my husband!'

"I was shocked, as she had given no indication she was wedded. 'Are you certain?' I asked. 'The person at the door is the one who followed us through the forest!'

"She tilted her head as if to ask how I could know such a thing. Yet the scent was most definitely the same as that of our pursuer. Instead, she said, 'Do you think I would not recognize my own husband's voice? Oh, but he must not find you here for he is a cruel man who would kill you and beat me! What to do? What to do?'

"The man's voice rose again, 'Are you speaking to someone? Do you have another in the cottage with you?'

"At those words, the woman came to a decision. She took up a woman's night cap and placed it on my head, saying, 'It is only my grandmother, husband. Wait one moment while I help her into bed for her nap, then I shall open the door.' Turning to me, she whispered, 'My husband is poor of eyesight and hard of hearing. Speak to him in an old woman's voice and all will be well.'

"I had no opportunity to respond as she quickly turned away. She raised the bar and opened the door. I pulled the bed clothes to my chin as a large man entered. He wore the clothing of a woodsman and carried a large axe. 'I saw you in the forest, wife, and wondered what errand brought you,' he said.

"The woman attempted to smile and said, 'I saw you not, husband. My errand is to care for my grandmother, who is ill.'

"The man turned his attention towards me and narrowed his eyes. He spoke, stepping towards me, 'You have big eyes for an old woman.'

"In a high pitched voice that quavered of its own accord, I replied, 'All the better to see my lovely granddaughter!'

"The man took another step closer. 'You have very big ears for an old woman,' he said.

"I said, 'All the better to hear my granddaughter's lovely voice.'

"The man stepped next to the bed. 'You have a lot of teeth for an old woman,' he said.

"I replies, 'All the better to eat my granddaughter's lovely cooking.'

"The man narrowed his eyes as if to see me more clearly. 'You have a very hairy chin for an old woman,' he said.

"I felt my mouth go dry and said, 'All the better to... To...'

"With sudden purpose, the man lifted his axe above his head. 'All the better to die!' he said. The axe descended toward my chest as I desperately attempted to transform. Agony ripped through my stomach and all went black.

"I know not how long I walked in darkness. Slowly I returned to myself, waves of pain no longer emanated from my stomach. I had transformed in time. As the axe had no silver, my wound had healed. As reason returned to me, I heard the man and woman speaking.

"The woman's voice held anger, 'You were late! I was at the point of disrobing when you finally arrived.'

"The man spoke, 'Why not disrobe now, my dear? I know the killing excites you.'

"Footsteps moved toward the door. 'Not until we take care of the body, my darling. Go and fetch some heavy rocks. We will sew them into his stomach and drop him in the river.'

"The man spoke, 'And then?'

"The woman responded, 'And then you shall have your reward!'

"What I had heard was more than sufficient. I bounded from the bed with a bestial snarl. The man and the woman both screamed as I began tearing the man limb from limb. I did not even notice the woman leave as I devoured the man. I had never eaten human before. Alas for my eternal soul, I found human meat delicious.

"In time my hunger was sated. Looking up, I realized the woman was gone. I knew she would tell her story to others, casting me as the villain. Yet I could not bring myself to pursue her. My stomach weighed me down as if it had been filled with the stones the woman wished to use. I left the cottage and slept under the cover of bushes in the forest.

"That's all Peter Stumpp wrote. He was obviously right about two things. First, the woman told the story we all now know as Little Red Riding Hood. I don't know if she originally told the tale with a werewolf, but eventually the brothers Grimm recorded the tale with a talking wolf. Second, Peter Stumpp was right about his eternal soul. Having discovered a taste for human flesh, he continued to kill and eat people. In 1589 he was caught and tried by a church court. Tortured, he eventually admitted to all his sins and was executed by the church.

"That's all I have. I don't know if it helps any of you, but I take some solace in knowing I face the same temptations faced by werewolves for hundreds or thousands of years. And God knows I can't do any worse than my ancestor Peter Stumpp!

"Thank you."

[Group director: "Thank you, Mr. Stump. Okay everyone, we've got snacks in the social room!]

"It's not anyone I know, is it?"

The Newcomer

The little bald stranger wore a bulky overcoat, buttoned to the neck, which gave him a vaguely pear-shape, As he stood, he made a grinding, zonking sound in his nose and throat, and began to undo his coat, take it off, and hang it neatly on the back of his chair. His actions revealed a belt around his middle, with three rolls of toilet paper hanging from it spaced equidistant around an ample paunch. He zonked again, snorted, smiled sheepishly, unrolled a foot and a half of paper, brought it to his red potato-shaped nose, and blew a blast that made Ryan jump.

Upon finishing his activity, he folded the now-soggy mass of tissue, and dropped it in the trash can, where it landed with a sodden thump. Smiling again, he spoke in a voice that reminded more than one person in the meeting of that sad little cartoon dog. "Allergies." he explained needlessly. Gesturing to the contrivance around his waist he said "I like to keep plenty of rotary Kleenex on hand.". He moved behind the lectern, zonked again, and said "Hello, folks. I'm Cal, and I'm a were-...well, let me explain."

"Hi, Cal?" came the quizzical antiphony.

"As long as I can remember, I have had allergies. Really bad allergies. As a small child, I was taken to the best doctors my parents could afford - which wasn't very much. Skin tests, blood tests, shots, drops under the tongue, enough Benadryl to render an elephant comatose, and that was when Benadryl was prescription." He rubbed his right thumb across his fingertips in a knowing way.
"My father had to work a pizza delivery job at night to keep me in tissues. I was the one boy who was happy to get handkerchiefs at Christmas. All those doctors, all those pills, and no-one could figure out my problem. Finally. when I was twelve-and-a-half, my paternal grandmother came to visit from the Old Country."

Here he paused, unreeled a couple of feet of tissue, brought it to his nose, and blatted a sharp blatt. Ryan whimpered and looked imploringly heavenward. It was that loud. Then the little man resumed, punctuating his tale with grinding nasal snorts.

"She was small, wrinkled, and smelled of garlic, which made my nose twitch more than usual. She saw my symptoms, squinted hard, and began to mutter under her breath. Then she turned and left the room.. Finally, at suppertime she came out, wearing a crucifix that shone against her black widow's dress. She was working with my mother at the stove. She started when I spoke to them both and knocked over the salt shaker. Muttering, she took a pinch of the salt that spilled and flung it over her right shoulder to ward off bad luck (she was OLD Old Country). Some of the salt landed on my arm, which began to sting and bubble. The pain drove me to the floor, where I convulsed, and...and...my nose started overflowing, my arms and legs began to contract until my body became cylindrical, yellow, and coated with...with...snot, only it was coming from my now-changed underside instead of my nose. I did notice my grandmother clutching her crucifix before she fainted. I don't know what happened to my parents, because my eyes would not focus right. They extended themselves on two stalks, and their movement made my vision move sickeningly. Then I passed out. When I awoke, my mother was holding me in her arms and crying. Her tears stung where they fell on me. I was lying in a pool of clear slime, but otherwise I was back to normal."

The little man zonked, snorted, unreeled a yard of TP from his waist, and honked a great honk. Ryan left the room. Others looked like they wanted to.

"So, hello folks. I'm Cal, and I'm a were-slug. You might be surprised that I have gotten a rather good job because of it. I work in a non-lethal weapons lab. You know the frictionless anti-riot goo, and the sticky anti-terrorism spray webbing you see on the Discovery Channel shows?"

The little bald man snorted, looked at once modest and inordinately pleased with himself, and chuckled.

"It's some of my best work!"

(Copyright 2008 Weatherly B. Hardy)

The Were-Celebrity

“Hi, my name’s Hank and I’m a werewolf.”

[Group: “Hi, Hank.”]

[Person in the crowd: “Don’t you mean were-wimp?”]

“I’m going to ignore that. It’s been a while since I’ve been to a meeting and I’m guessing you’re all wondering where I’ve been.”

[People in the group: “No.” “Not really” “You were gone?”]

“Oh, great. I go off to help all of us and no one even notices? Well, at least tell me you’re wondering why I’m all bandaged up like this? No, wait. Don’t bother. I’m sure the answer would only depress me.

“The first time I was here, someone said something during the social after the meeting that got me thinking. One big problem we ALPS sufferers have is our image. People are scared of us. They don’t see us the same way they see those with cancer or AIDS or any of those other fad diseases. And you know why they don’t have any sympathy for us?”

[Person in the group: “Because we bite off their heads, tear open their rib cages and feast on their still beating hearts?”]

“That’s an issue, sure, but I don’t think it’s the only reason we aren’t getting better press. Just think about all those other ‘cute’ diseases. What do they have they ALPS doesn’t? I’ll tell you what they have. They have celebrities out there raising awareness about the disease. Some of the celebrities have even had the disease themselves.

“So where are the celebrities speaking out for ALPS, huh? Why don’t we see Ed Asner telling America about the tragedy of ALPS? Why isn’t Cameron Diaz appearing in commercials with little children who have ALPS? I’ll tell you why. None of those oh so caring celebrities suffer from ALPS or even know anyone who suffers from ALPS!

“So, a couple of weeks ago, I flew out to LA to infect at least one major celebrity. I figured once we had a major star in our pack, we’d be able to generate some of the sympathy we deserve! I picked Michelle Pfeiffer as my target.”

[Guy in the group: “Oh yeah. She’s hot!”]

“Exactly! And she can act, too, so I thought she’d be perfect to help generate some sympathy for us. Only it didn’t work out like I’d hoped. I mean, I thought I’d have to deal with a bodyguard or two, but I was way off.

“Finding out where Michelle Pfeiffer lived wasn’t a problem. You can buy maps to all the stars’ homes out there. Her house had a big wall around it, but it wouldn’t be a problem for one of us. I came back in the middle of the night, transformed and leaped over the wall. Smooth and easy. I figured I’d just bash a few heads then bite Michelle in her sleep…

“Did any of you know there are such things were-Dobermans? I sure as Hell didn’t! Michelle’s house is guarded by a whole pack of them! I barely had a chance to look around after jumping the wall when the pack came baying after me. And they herded me right into a net trap – with a silver net! Man, I don’t know how much she paid for the net, but it sure burned bad! I couldn’t do anything but dangle in the net and whimper.

“Then this big guy walked up, tossed steaks to the were-Dobermans then looked at me. ‘Good work, boys. Looks like we caught us an Alpo!’ “

[Group: Muttering and murmuring.]

“Yeah, I was offended, too. I gritted my teeth and told him he had no right to call me names like that. You know what he did? He came up real close to me and said, ‘I’ll call you whatever I damn well please, boy. You’re just lucky I’m calling you Alpo instead of using you as Alpo. My boys here’ – and he waved toward the were-Dobermans – ‘are always mighty hungry after a chase.’

“So, I got turned over to the police and spent the rest of the night in jail. But they only had me for trespassing, so I paid bail and was out the next morning. I still had my map of the stars’ houses. I just figured I’d have to do some more thorough research on the bodyguard situation before making my move.

“Man, celebrities have got to be the most paranoid people on earth! Every single star I picked had some major firepower acting as bodyguards. Most of them had some kind of ALPS help, too. It was really depressing. I’d just about given up when I finally found someone who didn’t have a bodyguard at all – Summer Glau!”

[Group: “Who?]

“Summer Glau. Come on, doesn’t anyone here watch science fiction TV? She was River on Firefly and in the movie Serenity? She’s the terminator in Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles? She’s like this really cute, 98 pound girl who always plays someone who can kick the crap out of guys three times her size. In a way, she was perfect. Not only did she already have the reputation as an ass kicker, but she could get the science fiction, fantasy and comic book crowd behind us. “

[Person in the group: “So?”]

“So? You know, 10 years ago, everyone thought vampires were all scary, evil blood suckers. Then Laurell Hamilton’s Anita Blake books broke out of the genre and went big time. Now every other romance novelist is writing about super sexy vampires. And you know the vampire community is eating it up. I don’t know about, but I’m tired of seeing even the most pathetic looking vampire snag hot babes just by flashing a little fang!

“So I figured if Summer Glau could help us get popular with the science fiction and fantasy types, it wouldn’t be long before we had the same kind of break out. Then we’d get research dollars and be able to get hot babes by showing the fur!

“But it didn’t work out that way. I was able to sneak onto Summer’s property, no problem. Without guards, there was no one to stop me. I transformed and was about to kick in her door when the door flew open and I got attacked by a were-tiger! I fought as hard as I could, but this were-tiger really knew how to fight. Finally, all cut up and bruised, I transformed back and gave up.

“The were-tiger snarled, ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ That’s when I realized I had been fighting a were-tigress. Anyway, I explained everything, figuring another were would be sympathetic to my cause. And she was, actually. After I finished, she transformed back and the were-tigress turned out to be Summer Glau! No wonder she takes all the ass kicking roles. She really is a major kicker of asses!

“She helped me up and actually took me inside to bandage up my cuts. Then Summer told me my heart was in the right place but that I probably needed to have my head examined. ‘Leave Hollywood to the weres who understand it,’ she told me. Then she said if I really wanted help her spread the word, I should find a top notch script about a were-tiger. Or a good werewolf script that could be adapted for a were-tiger.

“Then she sent me on my way with a kiss on my cheek. This cheek. Right here. Anyway, that’s how I got the bandages and found out that infecting a big star isn’t the way to go. Nope, Summer has pointed me in the right direction!

“Does anyone have a suggestion for a good script writer? I hear they don’t usually have any bodyguards at all so infecting one of them ought to be a piece of cake!”

Dear Diary

8/4/08

Dear Diary,

Today was tough cuz Makayla was really mean to me in gym and I almost lost it right there in the locker room. When we were getting ready for swim practice I found that shed put hand soap in my bathing suit and I was SO ticked! I had to rinse it out in the sink then put on a wet bathing suit. I really hate that!!! Later she died a bloody death behind the school. I was able to hold of the transformation for longer than usual but when I bumped into her after classes were over she called me “soapbutt” and things just went downhill from there.

Later when I got home mom had made cookies so that cheered things up. I also finished up my history assignment.

8/5/08

Dear Diary,

What a day! Im doing good at getting ready for the dance, I lost five pounds from two weeks ago! V8 for breakfast is yucky but it seems to work. Allan told me I was hot today and I told him to bug off. Then later he snapped my bra and that was it for him! Oh yeah! Bloody death behind the school!

I watched some TV tonight but nothing good was on.

8/6/08

Dear Diary,

Im afraid people might be starting to wonder about me. When we moved to this new town and enrolled here I thought the looks and whispering and stuff would be over for good. Maybe I was wrong and should ask mom to homeschool me again. I guess I figured no one here had ever seen a were-wolverine before and that ALPS was probably out of their heads altogether. Maybe it still is but I think someone might have told on me. One of the teachers was being pretty condescending today in health class, you know, they were talking about sicknesses and stuff and ALPS came up. The teacher was all like qarantine the infected and stuff. I kept thinking about how unfair that was for reglar folks to wander free and for people like me to get locked up. I followed the teacher to there car after school meaning to have a face-to-face talk about their unfair approach to my condition. But then he got defensive and I think he guessed cause he winced when I got close and then started to act nervous which made me mad and then, well you know. Bloody death again!

When I got home I think mom and dad guessed. But dad had been in the same boat that day at work, he apparently gutted some stupid supervisor, so he understood and gave me a big hug. I love my dad. Some guys are jerks, but he really understands how to treat us girls, I hope I get to marry a guy like him.

8/7/08

Dear Diary,

Okay I think they certainly know now. I’ll bet there trying to figure out what to do with me. In class the teachers were all sort of cold even Ms. Evelyn who had been really nice on the first day when I'd lost my schedule and couldn't find my next class. I really think I liked her, but she was staring at me today and I got really irritated and stuff. Dad said that people without ALPS cant understand us and they also feel resentful about the laws that got passed about non-discrimination and stuff. So its not like they just jump on top of every death that takes place and go after the ALPS people because they know we’re kind of protected, and all the hate laws keep us safe generally.

Its too bad about Ms. Evelyn. I got so mad at her today even though she used to be nice you know? After I bit into her chest, I started to feel really guilty so I mostly just ate unimportant parts. Shes still going to look really pretty at her funeral. I wonder if I’ll look pretty at my funeral? Wouldn’t it stink if you looked lousy and everyone remembers you as ugly?

I wish I could stop these attacks Im starting to feel guilty about it, but I imagine that’s normal. I can’t help it and it’s not my fault, so why should I feel bad, I just need to make do with what I have and be happy with who I am. I think I read that in Oprah’s magazine.

Oh! Jack called today – for me! I think he wanted to ask me out, but instead he talked about his model collection. On the first day of school he lent me some book called Rebel Moon. It looks dum but he was cute anyways. I wonder what it would be like to kiss him… I’ve never kissed anyone before. I’ll bet its kind of slimy.

8/8/08

Dear Diary,

Well it happened. I got suspended. This always happens! I was so ticked! It happened in front of everyone, too becuase I was in first period and an officer stepped into the room and pulled me out.

I almost transformed right there in front of everyone wow I would’ve been so embarrassed. I was wearing this really pretty top I got from Urban Outfitters and every time I transform I end up ripping or krunking up my clothes somehow. I would have hated to mess this top up. Its so neat. Marsha had one back at my old school that was like it, but this one is green.

I got into the car with two officers but ended up eating them and walking home.

Maybe this whole school thing is’t for me. I’d kind of like to be a nurse and I think that takes a lot of school maybe I can take internet classes?

I wonder if Jacks going to call again?

Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen

Hi. My name is Sean and I’m a were-hyena.

It’s been a while since I’ve been around and I apologize. I know how important it is to come out to these meetings. Not only for my support but to support you my brothers and sisters as we try to live and make sense out of something that just don’t make sense.

It’s just that the last month or so has been a bit crazy and I have had to face some pretty hard facts about myself. I mean being a were-hyena should be cool. Hyena’s while not at the top of the food chain, still carry a certain amount of fear. We’re wild an unpredictable. You never know what we’re going to do. Are we gonna feed on carrion or band together and take down a gazelle. And the laugh, the laugh has the ability to strike fear into the hearts of his prey. We’re like The Joker of the animal kingdom. (The Heath Ledger version not the Caesar Romero version).

So it follows that being a were-hyena should rock, right? We don’t carry the pressure of a top of the food chain predator like a Were-wolf or a Were-Tiger faces. We got no expectations on us. And life was good for a long time until last month when I was walking through the alleyways looking for edible garbage, human or other, when I caught my reflection in a pool of water. My male pattern baldness carries over into the transformation. I’m a bald freakin hyena! I was wondering why the reaction to my appearance in recent years has changed. It’s unsettling to have someone laughing while you rip out their viscera. I thought they were laughing with me. Well now I know the truth. I’m a ferocious were-beast with a hair ring.

And there are some nasty things that carry over into the human world as well. Does anyone have any idea how bad your breath stinks in the morning after a night of eating week old road kill? I came home late one night after getting my fill on perfectly rotted meat and fell asleep with the covers over my head. Well when I woke in a small space filled with own special blend of halitosis I thought something had died, then I realized that something had died. And I ate it. Then comes the indigestion. Woo Boy! Try passing a stomach full of tabby and skunk bones out your rear. I always thought the bones were supposed to soften after baking for a week. My Pepto and Crest bill has gone through the roof.

But maybe the worst of all was last week. I showed up to a business meeting with a piece of hobo stuck in my teeth. Talk about embarrassing. Luckily his gall bladder was green enough that I was able to pass it off as part of a spinach omelet I had for breakfast. Can you imagine what would have happened if it would have been that derelicts cornea looking out from my mouth? I might have lost the deal.