The Request

"Hi. My name's Frank. I'm not a werewolf or anything, but I'm married to one and my daughter is one."

[Everybody: "Hi Frank!"]

"Sixteen years ago, when my wife and I got married, I knew she was a werewolf. I mean, it's not something you can really hide, right? Especially since she transformed right in front of me while we were dating.

"I'd driven to a secluded spot I knew about for some quality alone time with her and things seemed to be going fine. But I got a bit carried away and missed some signal from her or something. Next thing I know, I'm in the back seat of the car with a werewolf growling, 'No means no, Frank!' For two weeks it was like I'd overdosed on saltpeter! Of course, we laugh about it now.

"So I knew what I was getting into when I married Bianca. Plus, it was kind of exciting, like living on the edge. Bianca wouldn't hurt me on purpose, but if a werewolf forgets how strong she is, she can really put a hurting on you!

"You've also got to be able to swallow your manly pride a bit when you're married to a lady werewolf. Take the time we visited New York City back in the '90s. We went for a stroll through Central Park. We didn't notice it was getting dark or that we'd wandered into a secluded area. Next thing you know, four punks leap out to do who knows what to us. In all the movies, it's the husband who moves in front of his wife, willing to give his life if it buys time for her to get away. That's not the way things go when your wife is a werewolf. Bianca just transformed and attacked. The way I figure it, that was just four guys Guliani's cops never had to worry about again!

"So, I could handle things when it was just me and Bianca. But then our only child, Danielle, hit puberty. If any of you out there have kids going through puberty, you already know what a pain it can be. Girls are a lot harder than boys, let me tell you! But it gets a lot harder when your daughter turns out to be a werewolf, too. And that's just what happened.

"It was about a month ago on a Friday night. We'd ordered pizza and were settling in to watch a movie. Danielle was already in a bad mood because she didn't have any plans and was stuck spending Friday night with her parents. So, you can guess how happy she was when her mother asked her to go downstairs and fold some laundry while we waited for the pizza to show up. The way she stomped into the basement, I'm surprised the stairs didn't break! Hoping to head of a major teenage tantrum, I followed her downstairs to help her fold the laundry. You can imagine how shocked I was when I saw her transform right in front of my eyes!

"That's another thing about teenagers. When they're all emotional, they do things they're going to regret later. Danielle saw me, howled and started after me! I was sure she was going to rip me to shreds if she caught me. And, you know, she'd have regretted it later but that wasn't going to help me any if I was dead! So, while I was running around the stairs trying to stay ahead of her, I screamed, 'Bianca! Help!'

"It was a good thing we were in the basement because Danielle's claws slipped a lot on the concrete floor. That's the only reason I was able to stay ahead of her. I even managed to get her to slide right into a big pile of laundry, getting all tangled up in it. And that's when Bianca got downstairs. She took one look at the fur Danielle was leaving all over the clean clothes and she transformed, too.

"The thing is, once she was in wolf form, she went all mother wolf on me. She saw me trying to tie up her cub using the clean laundry and lost all control. Suddenly, I was running from two werewolves! I dodged and dashed and tossed things into their paths and finally managed to get enough of a lead that I could run upstairs without them catching me. I slammed the door to the stairs shut and locked it, figuring I'd just wait until they both calmed down before unlocking it. They didn't wait to calm down, though.

"I had just reached the kitchen when I heard the door being smashed in half. I had maybe ten seconds before they were both ripping me to pieces. I dashed through the kitchen into the living room and grabbed up a DVD. They came piling into the living room, slavering and ready for the kill. Even though my heart was racing, I acted casual. Holding up the DVD I said, "Hi, honey. I thought we'd watch Beaches tonight. If that's okay with the two of you.'

"They both just stopped in their tracks. Then Bianca transformed back and said, 'I thought you hated Beaches, Frank.' Danielle growled.

"Flipping the DVD case over and pretending to read the back, I replied, 'I don't think I ever really gave it a chance, Bianca. But I'm ready and willing to watch it beginning to end with my two girls.' Danielle growled again.

"Bianca whirled on Danielle and said, 'That's enough of that attitude, young lady! Your father is willing to watch our favorite movie with us. So you just transform back this instant and apologize to him!'

"Danielle transformed back, 'Sorry, Daddy.'

"The doorbell rang. I smiled, 'That's okay, muffin. Can you get the movie loaded in the DVD player while I pay for the pizza?' She took the DVD and loaded it up. And the three of us watched Beaches.

"That brings me to the real reason I'm here. I'm not really looking for advice on how to handle a teenage werewolf. What I really want is to level the playing field. I don't want to have to be afraid of my own daughter and her teenage mood swings. And then Bianca's going to start going through menopause about the time Danielle heads off to college. So, I was hoping one of you who's a werewolf could transform and bite me? I really, really don't want to have to watch Beaches ever again!"