A Strange Interlude

"Uh… hey, sorry I’m late.

My name is Jan and I’m a were-dog."

(Hi Jan!)

"Thank you all for having me here this evening. It’s not often that people want to talk with me. Unless they work for the government. Government operatives are everywhere!

Just letting you all know. You can’t be too careful when your life is at stake."

(someone coughs nervously in the audience)

"Okay, I guess I’m supposed to tell my story now. Well, let me see… I think I first realized my dog-like tendencies back in middle school. This other girl and I were doing report on global cooling. That was back when cooling was hot. Anyone remember that? Yeah, ANOTHER thing they’re not telling us about! It’s all conspiracies inside of conspiracies, like Ezekiel said.

Anyhow, we were supposed to work together. I was making little poster board snow clouds and she was cutting out pictures of icicles and stuff. Then her brother came in and started coughing. Like a weasel. Coughing and coughing. My first thought, of course, was that he was an android. You know how needles skip on a record? The artificial people are the same way. A bug like that has saved many lives by giving victims a chance to escape. At least it used to. Since they started putting organic brains in the new ones, they’re a LOT deadlier. But even those have their drawbacks."

(a few people shuffle and look around the room awkwardly)

"Where was I? Ah yes. My tendencies.

The first thing you should know is that I’m part Jewish. And not only that, I also have the Messiah gene. That means that I’m part Jesus. Not all the way, mind you! Just half! Seriously, I can’t save anyone, but I’m really good with children and the poor."

(Jan laughs uproariously for a minute, then stops as if a switch flipped)

"So the android brother, or so I thought him, was coughing and coughing. I found out later that he was human… but back then, I didn’t know. So I bit him! Actually, that’s when I found out he was human. It was really only a few seconds later. He bled, and it didn’t taste like the fake stuff the Builders use.

After I bit him, it was like I realized the truth. I wasn’t just part messiah. I was also part dog. I don’t know why I was chosen but I know there’s a reward coming!"

(Hank steps forward and speaks. “Um… Jan…”)

"Don’t interrupt me! This is important!"

(“I just wanted to tell you something.)

"Well… do it, then!"

(Hank leans closer to her. “I think the CIA is outside, waiting for you.”)

"WHAT? They found me?"

(Jan runs out. Hank steps to the mic.)

“Sorry folks. Geez. That was really weird! Do we need to start doing background checks before we let people speak around here? Or would that just be paranoid?”